TITLE: GHOST IN THE MACHINE
GENRE: Steampunk meets Cyberpunk Fantasy
Minnow chose the table for its view. She watched everyone, trying to find him. The color was fading from the late autumn streets yet the working drones and mindless shoppers still rushed by. Dashing and blurring, their movements were broken down into a simple series of form, color, and data.
I'm not totally sure about the last sentence... it's a little unclear what it means. Also, I'm not sure if "working drones" refers to your garden variety human working stiff, or if "drones" are something techier in this world (given the cyberpunk element). One other thought -- beginning by establishing a sense of setting can be really helpful in grounding the reader in the scene, but it seems like you could do more to connect Minnow to the setting. I don't know anything about her personality, mood, motivations, etc., and it would be great to start introducing that with a few carefully selected details.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It really draws me in with the hint of a story - Minnow trying to find someone - and setting up the world - drones, mindless shoppers, data. Interesting enough for me to want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI like all of it. I think it's concise and sets the scene. I immediately thought the drones were robots. I don't think everything about Minnow needs to be spelled out.
ReplyDeleteThis is tough because it's only 50 words - 2, maybe 3 sentences to catch a reader's attention.
ReplyDeleteI liked the name Minnow and hope it says something about the character. The last sentence doesn't seem to say much, so you might go back to 'him' and tell us something about him. But what you have here wouldn't stop me from reading on.
I would read on. I like the world you've established. It's interesting to me that everything is broken down into form, color, and data. I'd love to see how that's incorporated into the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteI love that you jump into setting and story. I want to know who she's looking for. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteThe first two sentences definitely grabbed me! Who is she trying to find?
ReplyDeleteBut "working drones and mindless shoppers" is confusing. First I thought drones were, you know, robots. Then I had to wonder if the mindless shoppers were robots too. After re-reading it, I realized that was kind of silly, but still, that's the first thing my mind jumped to.
But I would read on, cause I want to know who she was trying to find! :)
Interesting opening. I didn't assume the drones were robots. I tend to think of all those suits and workers massing in the streets after work hours are done as drones sometimes too. But it is open enough for me to want to read more and find out exactly. The last line, especially with the use of the word "data" is unique too and makes me more curious about Minnow and this person she is looking for. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe writing here is great but I feel like the sequence is out of order. You want to give detail in a funnel: start with the forest and work your way to the trees. In this case, I think she should start with the general view of the people/drones and then give us her target: finding him.
ReplyDeleteI NEVER do re-writes but if I were going to re-order this, I'd write something like:
Minnow chose the table for its view. The color was fading from the late autumn streets yet the working drones and mindless shoppers still rushed by. Dashing and blurring, their movements were broken down into a simple series of form, color, and data. But she wasn't there for them. She was there for him.
I'm torn on this one, and it's probably just a personal preference thing, but I was a bit bored by it. I think the writing is tight and has great imagery, but there's not a lot of tension. There is a rush of color and people and she's looking for someone, but I don't know why and I don't know if it's urgent. I'm picturing a rather normal business day with a bunch of working stiffs milling about. Minnow (great name) is sitting at a table, looking for a man. I don't know why and I don't know if he's expecting her. For all I know, this is just a set-up for a normal "hi, how are you" kind of lunch.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'd still probably read on, so if the tension comes out more in the next sentence, you could still hook me.