TITLE: Nark
GENRE: YA Mystery
Chad Hunter wasn't a stupid guy. Never was and hopefully never would be. So what the hell came over him and made him determined to install a camera forty feet above the ground? Why, when everyone was safe from the forces of gravity, was he putting his life in jeopardy for a shot?
I like the concept, but somehow you lost the tension midway through. I'd like this more if we could "see" him dangling from something while installing the camera. Is he having these thoughts while he is up there? As written now, it feels like he has already installed the camera and now, safely on the ground, thinks he was stupid for doing so. But again the concept is interesting to me and I'd likely read on a bit.
ReplyDeleteSome good tension here, and the setup makes me want to read on to see what he's doing. My main comment is that you could streamline the prose a bit to make it smoother. For example:
ReplyDelete"Chad Hunter wasn't a stupid guy. So what the hell came over him to make him install a camera forty feet above the ground? Why was he putting his life in jeopardy for a shot?"
This reads more like a tease, like a back of the book blurb. I don't think it works because the question raised here is - why did he do it, and I think Chad probably knows exactly why he did it. (If he doesn't, then he is a stupid guy).
ReplyDeleteInstead, you might tell us why Chad did it because that is probably much more interesting and would pull a reader in more, and it would immediately introduce us to your world and problem.
I like the concept as well. I'm lost in the POV; it seems omni and reads distant from Chad. I'd like to know what he is thinking, what his response is instead of "so what the hell was he thinking..." I hope that makes sense. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara, and I like the rewrite Shakier presented. Is Chad hanging upside down at the moment? Is he thinking all of this while installing the camera? I'm curious as to why he's doing this, but I think you could put us in the moment and make this more powerful. I would read on to find out why he's doing this stupid act when he's not stupid.
ReplyDeleteVery good tension. I want to find out more and why he is doing this.
ReplyDelete