TITLE: GEAS
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Brina's only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing. A second later, an elaborately folded magazine cover landed in her lap: a pterodactyl this time. Original. The complex folds obscured the picture, but Brina already knew that her face was lost somewhere inside.
Intriguing, although I'm a little confused. I think the magazine cover's folded into a pterodactyl, but I'm not certain. Also, with the reference to the wing and the pterodactyl, my brain decided Brina's a pterodactyl. If that's not the case, you might want to change the pterodactyl reference to something that doesn't have wings.
ReplyDeleteI think you have some interesting concepts that would keep me reading. I also think you could tighten up the third person a tiny bit. "Brina already knew" makes me feel disconnected. I'm sure you could play around with third person limited to make the reader closer to Brina. Good Luck : )
ReplyDelete"Brina's only warning was a light brush on her upper left wing"
ReplyDeleteThis line is so intriguing that I would read on. There are so many possibilities. This was the entry that caught my attention most.
The first sentence about the warning did catch my attention immediately, but it made me think something dangerous was about to happen, and all that happens is that a magazine cover of her face, folded into a pterodactyl, falls into her lap. And she's used to it, so it's not even a real surprise. I'm intrigued, but she's not, and that does lessen my interest. If she's not worried or scared, why should I be? It seems to be a normal occurence for her.
ReplyDeletePerhaps let her show some concern or worry or anger or whatever it is she feels, but get her reaction in. How she reacts will affect how the reader reacts.
I really want to know why her face is on the cover and why she has wings! Plus I just watched a documentary on original origami so that got me too. :-) I think you have some great elements here.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. I want to know why she has wings and who's making the origami. A pterodactyl can't be easy to make. :D
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence captured my attention with the 'wing'. Then it got confusing. I agree with Kirsta V about he pterodactyl with wings. And I agree with Barbara about the set up for danger with your first line. It's so hard to capture everything everyone wants you to in the first 50 words, I know. I am intrigued and would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteI loved the way you establish the fantastical so simply with that first sentence. Would definitely read on. I'm guessing we'll know how she feels about the magazine, her face being obscured, etc., very soon.
ReplyDeleteTotally, completely confused.
ReplyDelete