TITLE: The Miscreants of Creation
GENRE: Women's Fiction
If all deaths were to actually happen for a reason this would be a very meaningful world. Not to say that this world is without meaning, just that the search for justification that most mourners endure is undoubtedly for their own acceptance and has no true bearing on reality. We die when we die. There is nothing more simple and certain than this fact.
In my life, her death was without meaning and so were all of those that followed. The only reason I can go on is that I must. I have no reason to leave; I have not yet left an impression.
And though I have no guilt driven need for repentance, I realize now that this stagnant pool I have been safely wading in is breeding just as much disease as the inconsequent mistakes I feared a life of passion would create in its wake. The disease seems unavoidable, but the device does not.
Safety has its place, but if I am to overcome this nothingness I find that I can no longer remain torn; passion must pursue.
I'm sorry, I'm not hooked. I really like the first line but after that I feel as though it is just someone, presumably the MC, engaging in introspection. I don't know anything about the MC except that someone he/she knows dies.
ReplyDeleteI had to read this twice to grasp the meaning of what you were saying. I'm probably wrong but I got the idea that there was some sort of serial killer at work - 'all of those that followed' - but given that this is women's fiction I'm probably completely wrong!
Not hooked. I dont know who your MC is or where she is. I'm guessing she's female because it's womens' fiction, and it seems someone has died. But nothing happens. This could be anyone anywhere. There's nothing for me to latch onto.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. It's about death, but I can't grasp anything more specific than that.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but this just does nothing for me. I have no idea who the MC is, why I should care about them, and their wallowing in misery just sounds whiny.
ReplyDeleteOn a more technical note, you use two adverbs in the first paragraph. Never a good sign. I read somewhere that two within the first chapter are too many...
I'm confused. There's no sense of conflict or character- I would recommend adding more action and saving the thoughts for later.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I'm also confused. There is nothing concrete here.
ReplyDeleteThere's not much to go on here. It sounds almost angry or unhappy, and yet not. The MC sounds completely detached from everything, uncaring of all that goes on and therefore, uncared for by everyone. Myself included.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph comes across as so preachy I would immediately put the book down. And even after I read the rest, I have no idea what this is about - other than a bunch of people died. Nothing to intrigue me or make me care.
ReplyDeleteThere's not enough going on here, I'm afraid. It's too devoted to the train of though rather than the narrative.
ReplyDeleteWho is your MC. Where is she? Why? How'd she get there? What's happening? What matters? If nothing is happening what brought her to this train of thought?
It feels more like your MC is writing a personal essay, and the storytelling suffers for it.
And personally, I thought the tone was so "up-market" that it bordered on inaccessible. That being said, I do think it shows skill.
Revising with an eye for storytelling would improve this greatly, I think, and I suspect that it would showcase the writing in a more positive way.