TITLE: BURNED
GENRE: YA Apocalyptic Sci-Fi
Whoever said breathing was effortless must have had oxygen, because I found it crazy hard. My breath came in short gasps, my lungs straining. I staggered to the front room in search of my helmet, using what little air I had left to curse a blue streak. Most people didn't have to deal with this crap.
Most people were dead.
A steady hum surrounded me, the generators providing my only break from the silence. Solar-powered lights flooded the room, making it easy to see the oxygen saturation meter flashing red at me. The level had dropped another five percent. Damn. Though the oxygen level in the shelter had been erratic for the last twenty-four hours, it hadn't dipped below ninety percent before today.
My father had placed all the important meters here, which was convenient in a twisted way--I could get all my bad news at once. I peered over at the water machine, noting the low water level, and more flashing red lights. God, I hated those lights. Lavender lights would have softened the blow a bit, but maybe that was just the girl in me talking.
I studied the air line inside the shelter. It was intact, meaning the problem lay above ground. Perfect. My choice involved braving Earth's scorching surface or breathing. Breathing won. I twisted my dark hair into a knot and tucked it inside the helmet. It wasn't like I could do much repair work if my hair burst into flames.
Hooked! I love the voice.
ReplyDelete"Lavender lights would have softened the blow a bit, but maybe that was just the girl in me talking." --that line says a lot about the kind of girl she is. She's a survivor, she's a little rugged, but there's a softer side to her too.
The character is immediately put into a situation where she's faced with two undesirable choices, and the fact that she is seemingly underground and alone, and going outside could cause her hair to burst into flame, has me completely locked in. Well done!
I'm hooked. What is this poor girl going through and how does she handle it? Also I want to know more about the world this story is structured around. I WANT MORE!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked! You had me at "Most people were dead." But then throw in Earth's scorched surface and hair bursting into flame and you have me extremely intrigued. Like the previous commenter, I want to know all about her world and what happens next!
ReplyDeleteThis post drew me in as well. Loved the title. And this line: My father had placed all the important meters here, which was convenient in a twisted way--I could get all my bad news at once. It made me LOL.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely would read some more to see where this went.
I liked that the opening of this entry took something as simple as breathing and made me think about it. This is a great first line because it grabbed my attention and gave me the voice of the MC immediately.
ReplyDeleteI also found it interesting that she seems to feel that death is the easier option, and I want to know why that is...
Hooked! You've done a great job of providing just enough details to build the world and her situation, while launching the pace off to a running start. The voice grabs me as do the great lines mentioned above (i.e., Most people were dead. I could get all my bad news at once. Breathing won.)
ReplyDeleteHooked! What grabbed me was. . . "most people were dead." Yikes! Why?
ReplyDeleteI also LOVED the title. Is this poor girl headed for death by being burned?
I WANT MORE!
Fabulous. I found myself holding my breath in sypmathy with a character who already felt real to me. The intensity drew me right in. The tiny light of humor kept me from feeling overwhelmed, and the little hint of her character (...lavendar lights...just the girl in me talking...)gave me great insight into her character.
ReplyDeleteAnd all this in only a couple hundred words.
Can't wait to see where this is going!
Carrie Seidel
Hooked! You had me with "Most people were dead." Great tension and conflict, we have to keep reading to see what will happen to this poor girl. Well done.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice, I'm hooked. As others mentioned, the "most people were dead" was the clincher.
ReplyDeleteSince this is a critique, here are a couple small nits:
3rd paragraph, you say "...easy to see... flashing at me." You could drop the "at me." Caught that reading out loud.
For someone having a hard time breathing, it seemed she was thinking rather calmly... maybe ratchet up the tension until she gets her helmet? Note, I really like what she's thinking...
Great job!
I'd read on - the world you've shown us seems interesting, and you've given just enough about the mc to make me want to find out more. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I'd definitely keep reading. I loved that "most people were dead" line.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great voice and the writing is clean. It's not a book that I would want to read because I'm already done with dystopian. I feel like it's being crammed down our throats. Not your writing, just the dystopian thing. That being said, there are many people who are looking for another dystopian novel.
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. I'm definitely intrigued. That said, I think you mean "braving the surface or NOT breathing." Cause if she didn't have to go up there in order to breath, she wouldn't, right?
ReplyDeleteHooked! I love this! The MC's voice is great and I'm immeadietly thrust into her world. Good job!
ReplyDeleteLove, love the voice. I would definitely keep reading this. This opening does a great job in setting up a bunch of intriguing questions. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis is not normally my kind of thing, and still I'm hooked. Good job.
ReplyDeleteReally like this! Only things I'd add is that I'd quite like to know exactly where she is - instead of 'room' could you say basement or bunker or whatever perhaps? And I hope we get to find out where her dad is (and if he's alive) soon. Nicely done, very gripping!
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteOne small thing that hasn't been mentioned yet - probably because it's my technologically challenged brain messing things up - but I get the impression that she's underground. If that's the case, how would solar-powered lights work?
I would love to read more of this.
@Sarah, I would assume the solar panels would be above ground, no?
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice. We get a sense of who this character is, what her problem is, and a glimpse of what kind of choice she'll have to make. This drew me in from the start.
ReplyDelete@L.J. See, told you I was technically challenged :) It never occurred to me the panels could be in a different place to the lights.
ReplyDelete@author please ignore my dumb question :)
Lol! It's not dumb! It's good to be nit-picky in a critique. :-)
ReplyDeleteThis obviously works, but you could bump it up another notch or two simply by showing us some of the things you're telling us, which would make them even more immediate. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteGreat jump into action. Immediate empathy with the character and some feel for her personality. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteBetween "Most people were dead" and "It wasn't like I could do much repair work if my hair burst into flames," you grabbed my attention and set the hook. Loved the voice! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI loved this. Absolutely hooked, and want to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I love the "most people were dead" line, and I'm curious to know more about the world and the MC, whose voice I love.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping this has something we've never seen before in dystopian. The dystopian market is nearly saturated, and I expect it will only get harder & harder to sell as editors cap how much dystopian they take on.
That being said, there's always a market for great books, so if this something original as well as engaging, I wouldn't worry about that.
I'd like to see a little bit more about where she is. I know this is a room underground, but I'm having trouble visualizing it.
This is just....elegant. That's the only way I can think to describe it. Your voice comes through loud and clear without being obnoxious or overpowering - understated. I think what I like most about this opening is the restraint. Where your premise is practically tailor made to tend towards the melodramatic, you pull it back and made us see that yes, as crazy as this is, the MC isnt just going to sit down and cry. She's going to keep moving and acting and reacting and its going to be believable - because you've set both her and the story up as such. Too often with apocalyptic writers amp the stakes up TOO much where its just unbelievable past a certain point that anyone can ever survive, and yeah. Im rambling. LOVE this.
ReplyDelete