TITLE: Through Closed Eyes
GENRE: YA Paranormal
I listened to the kids laugh as they told jokes they thought only their friends could hear, but I couldn't let their noises distract me. At least not now.
I felt air brush my cheek, and I slowly closed my eyes. He moved silently in the room, in a way no normal person would ever be capable of.
"What do you think?" I whispered, smiling as I turned my head to look at him. I gestured to the little kids playing outside the window, "Don't they look happy to you?"
"No, they look like they wish they were," he said, sitting beside me. He looked around slowly, like he always does when he finds me up here. His eyes were full of confusion, as if he couldn't understand the appeal. I followed his gaze around, looking at the dust covering the piles of crates that crowded the room. They served an important purpose to me because they masked scents, and hid my presence, at least from people who didn't know me well.
Since this room was one of the restricted zones, it was a peaceful place away from the other students.
"I think they're lucky," I said bringing my eyes back to the window, a window so dirty that most people wouldn't be able to see through. I watched a young girl riding a bike zoom by, her laughter echoing
through the air.
I can tell you are building up to something and I want to know what that is so I might keep reading, but I think I would have an easier time latching on to this if your details were a bit more concrete. Instead of just using pronouns, I would give your characters a description or a name. What is it that she doesn't want the kids to distract her from? Listening to her visitor come in or something more important? Also, why is she worried about their smells being masked? Usually when people search for someone, they use their eyes, not their nose. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis was too vague for me. You hint at a lot but don't really say anything. Who is he? Who is she? Where are they? Why is she hiding? Who is she hiding from? Why is the room a restricted zone and why is she in it?
ReplyDeleteThere are just too many questions, and for me, they're not the kind that make me want to read on. They're the kind that are frustrating because you dont tell me anything I need to know. Without those answers, there's nothing for me to care about. There's no will she fail or succeed, because I dont know what she's trying to do.
You don't have to get all the answers in, but we really should know who your MC is and where she is and what that immediate problem at hand is. Perhaps consider getting them in.
I want to know why she's hiding from the others. With just a little work this could be a really good first page. Best of luck.
ReplyDeleteViolet
Subimission #11
There needs to be some more detail. I know you want to create an air of mystery, but like the others said, there are just too many questions right now. I think if you could set the scene a little more, that would help.
ReplyDeleteI feel like there's something interesting here but I don't know what it is. It's almost as though I'm reading a page further into the story. I don't know who they are, what's different about them, why the area is restricted, what they're trying to do. Too many questions, even for a first page!
ReplyDeleteI do think it has the potential to be interesting though.
She listens to the kids, then she blocks them out, but then they are all she talks about to the mysterious guy who shows up! That threw me. Clearly she and her companion aren't human. That's interesting. Her ability to see and hear what others couldn't makes me curious, but I do feel, like an above comment, that things are being withheld artificially. It is too vague, and I want to have a stronger sense of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteI like this - as a scene from the middle of a book. Not a first page. Two friends (one of whom is a ghost or something) watching some kids - I need to know more than that to get interested. Start by telling us his name, and a bit more about him and/ or her.
ReplyDeleteI am curious about where this is heading, but it's not enough to have me hooked. Withholding information from your readers is a fine art: too little information and we've nothing to discover and no reason to keep going. Withhold too much though and you verge into cryptic, confusing and inaccessible. I think this falls into the latter category. There's simply not enough information here.
ReplyDeleteThere are hints that the MC has stronger senses than normal, and my favorite hint was the one about masking her scent, but even these hints feel a bit muddled and unclear.
I'm curious to know what's going on with this guy and this girl, considering they have met up here many times before. It sounds like a routine sort of things, making me wonder about their relationship and how long it's been carrying on. Are they friends? Something more? None of this needs to be revealed right now, just thoughts that ran through my head as I was reading.
ReplyDeleteWhat suggestions I have, other than the ones already fabulously given, is to tone down the air of mystery. Or rather, rework it so it doesn't read so in-your-face, which is quite the opposite of mystery. For example:
He moved silently in the room, in a way no normal person would ever be capable of. (The "in a way no normal person would ever be capable of" kinda felt like waving a red flag instead of introducing a subtle hint. Just a little rewording could smooth it out. He moved through the room, unnaturally silent. Just one suggestion)
I'd keep reading, curiosity spurring me on.