TITLE: Fatal Threads
GENRE: YA paranormal, modern myth
Staring down a maelstrom of packing supplies wasn't how Onyx wanted to spend her last few hours in Greece. But dealing with the mess scattered across the living room seemed like a triviality compared to the tempest about to hit in the form of her aunt Laia. She closed her eyes, drawing a curtain against negative thoughts, and released a long breath. Be careful what you wish for. Her mother's favorite saying broke through the barrier despite resistance. Not surprising. It was one of several pestering phrases her mother threw around when hoping to make Onyx think, as she once put it. Only this time, it rang truer than she wanted to admit.
She stepped over a stack of mailing labels, tape, and flattened boxes and walked into the kitchen, the room where her mother had spent most of her time, breathing life into their home, often while Onyx studied or otherwise reported on her day. But today she was met only by silence, as cold and unsettling as a memory seen through glass. Onyx closed her eyes again and discredited the juncture where her mother's last words collided with her own decision to stay in bed. I should have gone with her, she thought.
A raven cawed outside the kitchen window, obliterating the silence, and Onyx snapped back from the memory. She glared at the relics of sympathy cluttering the countertops, disturbed by the inescapable chaos overtaking every room of the small two-bedroom house.
Ooh, I like the name Onyx! The one thing that caught me up, is in the second paragraph. I'd try to break that first sentence up some as it seems kind of lengthy. Other than that, it read well.
ReplyDeleteI love the name Onyx!
ReplyDeleteI loved your writing style. The words just flow. My only piece of criticism is that not much actually happens, there isn't much action, there bit be a little too much introspection. That said, I would read on.
As Nicole said, nothing much is happening here. WHile having your characters actually act is often a stronger opening, introspection can work, but her thoughts need to be on what matters. There's not one thought here about if she's missing her mom. There's no sadness expressed or other emotions.
ReplyDeleteThe 'be careful what you wish for' statement seems like it might be important, but you don't tell us what it is that she wished for an got.
What you have here is set up, the stuff that happened before the story actually starts, and you don't need it. Just start the story. It seems the inciting incident will be the maelstrom that was Aunt Laia that was about to come crashing down, so perhaps that's the place to begin.
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ReplyDeleteI liked the main character's name and the description of all her stuff that needs to be packed. However, I too was waiting for something more to happen, or at least for the action to start.
ReplyDeleteI deleted my own post by mistake. But, what it said was. Thank you all so much for the honest feedback.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing style is sophisticated, and it intrigues me to read on to discover what happened to her mother. I don't think it's necessary for first lines of novels to begin with a cinematically visual or active "event"; good exposition will compel the story forward.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Elaine. You've introduced the character in a sophisticated and implied way that makes the reader want to find out more. LOVE the name Onyx, and it feels like there's a story behind that too. It's an intelligent approach to YA, not condescending.
ReplyDeleteI would read on for one line alone 'I should have gone with her'.
ReplyDeleteI was waiting for aunt Laia to show up, but that's the downside of just 250 words I guess. I think the first sentence in the second paragraph is too long, maybe there's a way to break it down?
I would like to read more. I want to know what happened to her Mother, and what she wished for :)
I love the name of your MC.
ReplyDeleteThe description is beautiful and although there is no action in these lines I really want to read more, I feel conected with Onix.
You paint a very vivid picture with your words and it makes me want to read more. Just like Sarah said, I want to know what happened to her mother and what did she wish for. I love the name Onyx.
ReplyDeleteNice! My one concern is that voice and character are the only thing propelling this forward, and I'm not sure the voice rings true. She sounds college-age to me, anyhow, but her circumstances imply maybe a bit younger. If I'm misreading, just ignore me!
ReplyDeleteI am definitely intrigued by the setup!
This is intriguing, but the last sentence of the second paragraph is hard to get through. It's a flashback moment--so you have to stop the forward action of the piece. And it could be done in tighter, simpler language. The last bit is intriguing. Why indeed? But there isn't any action, just setting and character. I'd like something to happen. The memory through glass line is lovely.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing. I'd read on to learn more about what happened to her mother. I do agree with the second paragraph/first sentence. Too long. Otherwise, good job.
ReplyDeleteWhat grabbed my interest is the mention of Greece. It’s a fresh, interesting setting--and since it’s mentioned so early in the story, I’m assuming it's going to be involved somehow.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Suzanne about the voice feeling a bit off. I easily could be wrong, but I was left with the impression that some of the word choices were focused on giving clues about what the paranormal element was, rather than being word choices which might have made the main character’s voice stronger. But that's pretty hard to judge. It just could be a teen with an elevated voice.
The story did catch my interest and I’d read a bit more to see what happens when the aunt arrives.
Eerie and supsenseful. Cool. How about some more?
ReplyDeleteI was definitely interested in the aunt as well. I would love to see the scene where she arrives.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand where the "be careful what you wish for" comment came from in the first paragraph or what that was supposed to mean at that moment. Also the second paragraph didn't read well for me. I had to keep stopping and rereading in order for it to make sense.
I was definitely pulled in by your first lines. They were very interesting and made me want to keep going. Good job.
As some others said, the voice doesn't ring true to me as a teen. Overall, I think this could be tightened/simplified to get to some sort of action quicker. At the very least, you should break up the paragraphs so it's not three big blocks of text. "Be careful what you wish for" could be on a line by itself since it seems important and raises a question.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely hooked and I can't wait to read more. Good choice of words. I was left with the impression that Onyx (love her name) could be the next Cinderella story but better twist. Of course I would have to read more to find out...
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with any of the voice comments. If Onyx is glaring at relics of sympathy, I took that to mean her mother passed away and if Onyx feels guilty about that then I'm led to believe the passing was by accident. In 3 paragraphs I'm introduced to a kid whose mom died and is forced to move in with some crazy aunt. By the descriptive coldness of the situation I think Onyx hasn't even completely accepted her mothers death. In my experience, death strips away much of who we are prior to reconciling our loss....OR maybe the writer should have thrown in a couple of as-ifs, No waaaaaay.
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing - there is an element of mystery here. The feelings are what's "happening." I am very intrigued. Nice visuals too.
ReplyDeleteI think there are ways that you could make this feel more active and less mental. She could be packing or unpacking, fighting with a roll of stubborn duct tape, etc... But, I do want to see a moment of action before she closes her eyes and releases that long breath and retreats into her own mind. That being said, I was drawn to the voice. I don't think she sounds too old. I think she seems intelligent, damaged, anxious, but strong and probably around 17-18. I also loved the sense of foreboding going on here. It's a sure way to get me interested. Something is up, and I want to know what. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI would read more! You have a beautiful way with words!
ReplyDeleteLove your writing style.I would like to find out what happens next.
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