TITLE: ASYLUM
GENRE: YA HORROR
"The Devil's best trick is to convince you that he doesn't exist! Do you hear me brothers and sisters? Do you hear-"
Chloe snapped the radio off. If there was a devil, he wasn't gaining any ground in Birch Harbor. There was only one station that came in without fuzz. Call letters KPRY- the best brimstone and hellfire for your morning commute. If she stayed, her first purchase was going to be one of those satellite radios. But first, she had to get out of the car.
Movies always made college look exciting. Sitting in her car in front of Kirkbride Hall, she didn't feel excited. She felt...
Scared?
No.
Intimidated?
Maybe.
The dorm was a behemoth. It looked out of place in such a small town, and on such a small campus. It towered, or maybe it loomed.
"Loooooooom," Chloe growled, in her best scary movie voice. Loom rhymed with gloom, and that's probably what made it seem like a dark word.
The building itself wasn't so bad. Not really. A great deal of beauty lay in the details that fell out of fashion with poodle skirts-- arched windows, turrets, slate tiles and rain-worn gray stone that had sheltered students for more than a hundred years. There was also... a bell tower? Or maybe a look-out tower, for when the dormitory came under siege from random packs of marauding Vikings.
Fortifications aside, most of its threat came from the fact that she was outside and everyone else was inside. She was late.
I'm not hooked... yet. You're writing is good and clean, but sitting in the car just thinking feels too safe to me. What if Chloe's in motion and runs into someone (a character in her future?) or trips running up the stairs (starting the first day with blood on her knees is terrifying) or ??. I didn't get a feel for who Chloe is in these first pages (voice or quirks.)
ReplyDeletePerhaps there's a later scene that might be a better place to start, then find a way to weave in its the first day, she's apprehensive, etc.
Opening the story with the MC starting at a new school has been overdone, but the writing here is excellent, the voice is great, and there is just not enough YA horror out there. I'd keep reading, definitely.
ReplyDeleteTo add to what Lisa said, I do agree that sitting in the car looking at/thinking about the school is "safe", and if it continued like this anymore I would stop reading, but I'm assuming the MC is about to go inside and the story will really begin. Starting at a more active moment is definitely something to consider.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great, and I loved the internal over the radio station. And although the new student thing has been overdone, I'd read on because I LOVE spooky schools (LOL).
ReplyDeleteGreat job.
I love the foundation you have laid! I want more...
ReplyDeleteloved the voice. I'm not super hooked, but i'm pretty sure i would be if i gave it another 100 words. And i would. The writing is very clean, which i always appreciate
ReplyDeleteThe opening line sets up something interesting, but then the next few paragraphs stop the action, really. You might want to do less description here and actually have something happen to make the reader want to continue.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to set a mood in the first 250 words, as well as make something happen. Your writing is very good and I don't think you'd have any trouble if you just started the story right at the action.
Good work!
I would agree that you have started the story too early. I think you need to jump into the action. However, you do write well.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice, but I agree with the above posters that some action, the story, needs to get moving pretty quick. Interesting stuff! And I love the name Chloe. :)
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Heidi. I loved the beginning--that first bit from the radio station really captured my interest!--but the pace slowed after that due to all the description.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and writing, though--I think you have the makings of a wonderful story here! :)
While the voice is awesome, I already like this character, nothing really happens. To truly be hooked something has to happen. Push the envelope a bit and I'll follow this character through to the end.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, go watch an episode of Carnivale. It was on HBO I believe. I think it will help with the opening line (the evangelist on the radio).
ReplyDeleteI was hooked. The last line did it for me. I liked realizing the description was part of her procrastinating. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI too loved the voice. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. Starts too early. Maybe have her listening to an I-pod as she enters school?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this, and I don't even like horror!
I had the same reaction as most of the others - good writing but nothing much is happening. Given it's only the first 250, I think you write well enough to get away with it as long as Chloe gets out of the car soon. I don't read much horror but I imagine some atmospheric scene setting is encouraged for this genre.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, and I definitely don't read horror. I like the first and last lines a lot. My guess is that you can cut the description of the campus in half and gain the same effect. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI'd have her snap off the car radio, to place her in the car sooner. And the pacing is slow here for a first page, and some of the phrasing choices seem off-kilter: the dorm was a behemoth, a great deal of beauty lay ... I agree with Pam that you can cut the description in half here.
ReplyDeleteI was pulled in and would keep going. The picture is clear and simple--with a hint of what's to be.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, although I agree things could get going a tiny bit faster. The problem I see is that I've heard a ton of agents and editors saying college is a no-go for YA, it has to be high school.
ReplyDeleteI really like the image of her saying Loom to herself...it made me smile. I am hooked but with a caveat I guess, because if something didn't happen right away I would become disillusioned. But I think your writing is very good.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, but I don't read horror either. Small town, big old building seems cliche also. Readers of any genre put up with a bit of that though -it became a cliche because it works. I'll assume the same here.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, the character's attitude comes through and I can relate to her. Everyone has a bit of nerves the first day of school, especially going of to a new college in a new town. New students are rarely late though so I feel for her and it does make me curious how she managed that bit of bad luck.
I love the opening but I agree the rest seems a little slow. I don't know how American colleges work but if she's outside the dorm I'm guessing it's not a class she's late for so is being late such a big deal?
ReplyDeleteI like her and I want to find out more about her so I'll say I'm cautiously hooked :)
While the voice is good here and I love a good horror, there are a few things in here that have me leery trusting you as the author to construct a gripping hook. In short, I'm afraid there will be a lack of action given the approach you've used. And there are three main reasons why:
ReplyDelete1. The opening line is cliche. You'd do yourself a huge favor if you thought of something more original and specific to whatever haunting thing is going on here.
2. As a recent college graduate, I can tell you that being "late" is not that much of a hook, especially not on a first day. This is not high school. And this is a dorm room, so she's not late for a class or a test. The worst she could be late for is orientation, and these days those aren't at set times anymore; they're more open-ended so there is no "late." This leaves me wondering what the unit of conflict really is. And I'm not sure lateness is enough to drive this forward because the character is so relaxed about it.
3. You say "if she stays," which implies that she's not 100% enrolled yet. So I'm left wondering how there could be any consequences to her lateness. And by consequences, I also mean "stakes" in the scene. What is the real conflict here? What does she have to lose?
Overall: this scene lacks tension. You have the writing skills to put together a beautiful bit of prose, so I know you can improve this. My suggestion: start closer to the inciting incident that calls your character to action. I hope this helps. There's not enough horror on the market these days!
I really loved this. I was sucked in from the beginning. The only point that I stumbled over was "behemoth." It didn't seem like the right word to use.
ReplyDeleteIt sucked me right in and should make for a fun summer read.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening because I think it gives us a clue as to what type of horror this will be (Rosemary's Baby as opposed to Son of Sam)
ReplyDeleteThe description didn't bother me, although I do agree you could cut it in half easily. ANd she is describing the dorm rather than the school. If the school is going to be where most of the action is, you might describe that instead. ANd if you say it was the school instead of the dorm, you eliminate the late problem already mentioned by others.
I would have liked for one small, eerie or mysterious thing to have happened here at the end, just to get the horror started - a face in a window, the radio suddenly coming on, a strange noise.
But I'd give it a few more pages.
Freaky! You definitely have your target emotion going for you! I loved the tinny sound of the rain, gave me an awesome picture of the bleak and dreary setting. *shivers* The cropped grey hair just added to the atmosphere, I dunno, it worked for me :) Cool opening.
ReplyDeleteYour writing and voice are both excellent, and I loved her sounding out LOOOOOM in scary movie voice and the crack about being under siege from marauding Vikings.
ReplyDeleteBut like others have said, your opening does kind of a disservice to your writing because in terms of action, story, and an introduction, its just too flat. You're clearly an excellent story teller and set a great mood, but while I'd read on, its only because of the quality of your writing and the belief that something great is coming - and I think you'll miss out on a lot of readers who WONT read on just for that and need something to pop more on that first page.
I totally get the feel that you're going for a horror MOVIE vibe here, and those tend to start slow and lull viewers into a false sense of complacency, but I just don't think the effect transfers well to the written word.
I don't wish to offend anyone, but I'm particularly freaked out by zealotry, so I'm a sucker for scenes with evangelical preachers, or fanatic politicians... So, I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI love that sort of Gothic sense foreboding you've attached to the building itself, but I'd like you to work on creating some more tension with action.
She's pretty much sitting in the car the whole time, and while the preacher on the radio made ME uneasy, not everyone feels the same way and you need something else to keep this going. I want to know a little more about where this is going, what matters to her, why she's there,etc...
I'd like to see her turn off the radio and get out of the car, or maybe already be in the school. Perhaps, the radio can be playing at the reception office or in her dorm.
The voice and writing are great, I just need a little more going on to fully establish this.
Lastly, I'd be careful of her age. If she's over 18 book retailers will not consider this YA. And, even at 18, "college" can be a tough sell in YA, and it can turn a lot of editors off.
Hooked! I love the voice and your writing is strong. I'd love to see where this goes. One thought, though, is your last 2 paragraphs slow things down. Try making the description of the school/castle more creepy - darker. If you intensify that scene, it'll be fantastic! Best of luck!
ReplyDelete