TITLE: WRAITH
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Yank.
I felt the sharp tug on my ponytail. Evan. What constituted as fun for him was really just obnoxious. I expected nothing less from my best friend who was fifteen and stunted.
YANK.
I winced this time. He wanted me to react. I wouldn't, though. He knew I couldn't risk turning to stare at his empty seat. I was at his mercy. To everyone else, the desk behind me was unoccupied. None of my classmates wanted to sit next to Jane Watts and risk social suicide.
Cool air stirred behind my neck and I braced myself. For a brief second, I longed for the days when Evan's touch didn't affect me. Usually, I liked it. It made things more real.
YA-- I shifted forward, slouching over my desk. "Ha!" I said, too loud and inappropriate for AP English. Half the class, including Ms. Bates, looked my direction and I clamped a hand over my mouth before coughing. "Excuse me," I said to the girl closest to me. She sneered in reply.
Thanks Evan, you're the best, I thought, wishing he could read my mind.
"I'm sorry," he said in my ear, as though he actually could hear my thoughts. "I'll behave. Did you see the new guy?"
I shifted and for the first time I saw the kid everyone was talking about. From my seat, I could see his profile. He had an angular face and brownish skin--possibly a leftover tan from the summer.
Like it..a real imaginary friend...just got a bit confused about the seats. Is Evan behind her or next to her? Is she Jane Watts?
ReplyDeleteLike this, really cool to have a ghost friend. One line I'd change is: "I'm sorry," he said in my ear, as though he actually could hear my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMaybe something like: "I'm sorry he said in my ear, as though he heard me."
That way you're eliminating using "could" and "thoughts" again (since you used them in the sentence above it).
Great job.
Oops don't mind the " " in the dialogue portion of my suggestion (LOL). It should've read "I'm sorry," he said in my ear, as though he heard me.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept of this one and would definitely read more, but I found the end of this section a bit confusing. I had to read it a few times because at first I thought that Evan was appearing and that other students were seeing him for the first time.
ReplyDeleteI think what threw me off was the line "I saw the kid everyone was talking about." So far it seems that only Evan has talked about him, but the "everyone" made me think that perhaps the class was murmuring because someone had strangely appeared in the seat behind her. Specifying who is speaking would clear it up, no problem. :)
One thing that confused me here was this line: 'None of my classmates wanted to sit next to Jane Watts and risk social suicide.' Is she Jane Watts? I was confused because he is sitting behind her, which I suppose is still technically next to her, but I would assume it wouldn't have the same social stigma as sitting beside her, so I wondered if you were referring to someone else that no one wanted to sit next to. Some of the other sentences could also be tightened. I love the concept though and would keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteI felt the confusion over who was sitting where (on first reading) that others have mentioned, but I'd definitely read on, the concept interested me.
ReplyDeleteI think you may give us a bit too much in the first description. But I do like this idea. It's really intriguing and I'd read more. I got that she was Jane.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. I had actually changed that "next to" to "near" in my latest draft and somehow it got switched. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteYou tell us a lot in so few words...
ReplyDeleteI love the way that you put her in the room and have her interact both with the guy who isn't there, ("He knew I couldn't risk turning to stare at his empty seat." -clever line!) and the rest of the class.
From the title I could assume Evan is a ghost. Interesting that he can touch her!
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteThe seating confusion has been cleared up so I won't add to that. Tiny edit required - 'looked my direction' missing the word 'in'.
' "Ha!" I said, too loud and inappropriate for AP English.' I love this line - I've been doing stuff like this for thirty years and I never get any less embarrassed!
I would definitely like to read more.
I think what you have here works for the most part, but there's no pull for me. Perhaps if there was something a bit mysterious about the new guy . . .
ReplyDeleteThe best friend being invisible or a ghost wasn't enough for me.
"Stunted" is confusing - and the partial YA-- doesn't work. Maybe not quite my cup of tea - because it feels like the invisible friend thing will get old pretty fast. But I'd read on a few pages to see if something happens soon.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I wonder if Evan is a ghost or imaginary, and in either case, why is he hanging around (or, I suppose, why does Jane need him around?).
ReplyDeleteIt feels a bit forced in the first paragraph when she says "I expected nothing less from my best friend who was fifteen and stunted." Most people would just call their best friend by name - especially in their own head. I think "I expected nothing less from Evan, who's fifteen and stunted" might be better.
I'd read on.