TITLE: The Skyrock Diversion
GENRE: Thriller
There was no restrained deliberation or halt for humanity; the Skyrock fires did not care which lives it extinguished today. Friday morning, December 23rd, all throughout the cities and towns of the Prairie State, the air was charged with excitement and anticipation for the assured gift of holiday snow.
In my opinion, which you can take or leave, this start is confusing. This line in particular:
ReplyDeletethe Skyrock fires did not care which lives it extinguished today.
I think since the subject (Skyrock fires) is plural and it is singular. So, either change Skyrock fires to Skyrock fire - or it to they.
I agree that it is a little confusing. 1)I have no context of the query or story or the Skyrock fires 2) I have no idea who the POV character is at this point. I understand what you are going for, however, you are giving the fires the POV at this point, because they don't care. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what's going on here. Are there fires raging or is it snowing, or both? First it seems a bit ominous, and then it gets friendly and cheery, like christmas is coming.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest you don't start with setting up the story. If this is a thriller, find a thrilling, mysterious, or dangerous moment and start there.
The second half of the first line really grabbed my interest. The fires are so bad they have a name. You might consider cutting the opening clause and starting with, "The Skyrock fires..."
ReplyDeleteI was thrown by the excitement of a holiday show after expecting death and destruction, though. I'd suggest trying to bring the tone of these two closer together.
Hmmmm. I kind of like the opposition of the destruction coupled with the excitement of the holiday. I feel like everyone is super happy and they don't know what's about to hit them. However, you may want to maybe extend a little bit, or start with the excitment of the approaching holiday and THEN throw in the smell of destruction.
ReplyDelete:)
Good luck :)
That is a very abrupt change from imminent destruction to holiday excitement. I think (and I'm just guessing here) that you're trying to create suspense by letting us know something bad is coming then switching to happy people who don't know what's about to happen to them. If so, at the very least, I'd put the two things in separate paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI'd also cut the first half of the first sentence (up to the semi-colon).
The use of the word Skyrock both in the title and to describe the fires makes me want to read more to find out if the fires are the diversion.
Completely confusing, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThese sentences sound like the opening sentences to 2 completely different books. Putting a paragraph space/more words between them would help, but I'll second the suggestion to start with action instead of backstory.
ReplyDelete"... restrained deliberation or halt for humanity" sounds overwritten - deliberation already implies restraint - so look out for that when editing the rest of the book as well.
Sorry if I am late to the party!