TITLE: A Scorpion's Nature
GENRE: Upper MG
The counselor dancing under the rickety welcome sign was packed full of crazy.
Neon streamers from her glittery tiara rippled as she thrashed around to the concert in her head and belted a song Ryan didn't recognize. Bashing the drums turned into karate chops for some reason.
This was confusing for me. The construction of the first sentence tripped me up. Also, who is the MC, Ryan? The counselor? Someone els altogether? And who was bashing the drums/karate chopping?
ReplyDeleteThat first sentence is confusing. It could probably be cut, since it tells what the paragraph below shows. That paragraph could be clarified, too. Is the counselor singing, dancing, and playing the drums at the same time? Why? Is this a "welcome to camp" thing, or a concert, or what? Let us see the crazy a little more clearly, and we'll be right there with Ryan as he watches her.
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great start, but maybe tell us about Ryan and not so much about the camp counselor in the frist sentence. I am guessing he just arrived at a camp...but where? I want to connect with him first. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing here that says who Ryan is, or where he is. It's all about the counselor who doesn't even have a name, which makes me wonder if the counseler is important or jut an item in your opening scene.
ReplyDeleteTry working in some specifics so we have a sense of where we are and who we're dealing with. Is this school, camp, somewhere else? ANd who is this counseler who gets center stage in your opening?
I think you have an interesting start, but it is confusing. The first 50 words must really grab a reader's attention. I figure it's from Ryan's pov, and if so, the bit about the counselor hearing the concert in her head pulls me away from him. That's too much in her head. And the last sentence is sort of jarring, taking us back to the counselor after introducing the MC. You would be better served if you use the last line to show us more about Ryan and the situation he's in that's starting out the story. Your first sentence grabbed my attention and I would read on to discover what the story is about.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the earlier comments, but I'd also tack on that there's some extra verbiage that can go - "glittery tiara" is overkill. Your reader will assume that a tiara is glittery.
ReplyDeleteI'll add though that the idea of a counselor wigging out under the welcome sign is very interesting - it's a great lead in, you just need to clean up some of the elements.
I'm lost ...
ReplyDelete