TITLE: Nanoplague
GENRE: Thriller
Dr. Catherine Thomas trudged towards her Roadster, shoulders drooping and feet dragging. Halfway there, she heard steps crunching across the sandy concrete. She lifted her head and spotted him: the young man in the suit from the charcoal Audi. He was striding
This was okay for me, but it left me with a few questions. Given the title, I would expect a Doctor and some mystery, but I am wondering why the cars they drive would be important (Roadster, Audi) in the first few words. I alsmost want this to start a little earlier so I get a better vision of her character (why is she trudging - is she always like this or did something happen?) and the conflict with the young man.
ReplyDeleteThis almost feels a little too abrupt. It sounds like you're going to start right off with some action, which is good, but we could probably use at least a page or two of lead-in. As it is, I don't know or care about Catherine Thomas, so my concern for her is only casual.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought there were some words that could probably go. "Steps crunching across the sandy concrete" is a nice detail, but we probably don't need "she heard," since we assume everything we're seeing, hearing, or thinking is something Catherine is seeing, hearing, or thinking. Also, I thought "She lifted her head and spotted him" reads a bit like a stilted stage direction.
I'm in agreement - there's a lot of detail but none of it lets me understand what the issue is. Don't waste your words. I think maybe give us an idea of the problem of seeing the guy in the gray suit. Where did she see him before? Is she scared of him? Is she hurt in some way? Does she want to get away from him? Why is she trudging towards her car? Answer these things in a tight sentence and you'd have me hooked.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I think they brought up great points, but in 50 words that's difficult to do. I agree that maybe less detail and more action would help me, personally. I know you're setting the scene, but that can be filled in once we have read page one : ) Good Luck
ReplyDeleteWould sandy concrete crunch? Could tighten a bit -- she spotted the young man ... or even, as suggested above. She heard footsteps. There, the young man from the charcoal ...
ReplyDeletewhat's so important about the make and color of these cars? do they really need to be in your first 50 words?
ReplyDeleteI'm a huge car nut, so if the MC is too I'd leave that bit in. Otherwise, I'd replace Audi with sedan (unless the fellow is a car guy who drives one of the few coupes Audi makes). Also, roadster doesn't need to be capitalized since it's not a brand.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could cut the drooping shoulders and dragging feet since 'trudged' basically says that, and then tell us why she's trudging. Did something happen? Is she just tired?
ReplyDeletePerhaps keep Roadster, because it says something about her, but dump the Audi.
In your last sentence, the suit comes from the charcoal Audi rather than the man coming from the Audi.
Do we need to know her name and profession yet, or can that be revealed more slowly?
ReplyDeleteI liked knowing the name and that she was a doctor right away, I don't think that is a problem. The only thing that caught me up was hearing the foot steps, I sorta imagined someone was coming up behind her, but then the next sentence makes it seem like he is coming towards her.
ReplyDeleteA little tweaking of that sentence should fix it right up :)
I think "Shoulders drooping" and "feet dragging" are reiterating the same point. I'd choose one and go with it - maybe the feet, to accentuate the idea of the footsteps later?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I agree that "Halfway there" can go.
I'm supposing that "Roadster" might be the Tesla electric car? ... but it made me think of Nancy Drew and her pals tooling about in a roadster.
ReplyDelete