TITLE: GHOST
GENRE: PARANORMAL MYSTERY
On the Suck-O-Meter Scale of 1 to 10, my life this month has rated a 9.2, and it's about to get worse.
I was okay about losing my boyfriend, because let's face it, as nice as he was, there was never any "zing" with Ben. Nice guy, no zing.
Is this a YA paranormal mystery? The voice reads a little young to me...
ReplyDeleteAlso, the present tense in the first paragraph didn't work for me. If we're in first-person present tense, then the MC can't know that life is about to get worse because she hasn't experienced it yet.
I think the voice, overall, is pretty hilarous. I do agree that it could be cleaned up a little. "It is" is present and the rest of your work is past tense. Something to watch for. Good Luck : )
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here,too, but I also found the present tense (it's about) a bit jarring. Maybe saying it was about to get worse would clear it up. Nice job :)
ReplyDelete"with 10 being the suckiest" (or however you want to quantify it) You need to let the reader know how the scale reads.
ReplyDeleteI like this intro. Good flow. Comic relief, although we can already tell things are going to go down hill from here before they get better. I'd like to read more as I love the writer's voice here. Hooked!
I thought this was a bit rambling. You start with how her life sucks and is about to get worse, then, instead of saying why or how, you tell us about her losing her boyfriend, which isn't all that sucky because there was no zing anyway.
ReplyDeleteSo there's no hint of why her life sucks or why it was about to get worse. Perhaps include that to make this work better.
You could also cut the last sentence, since it just repeats what you said in the sentence before it.
I like your voice here a lot. I respectfully disagree with the last two comments - I think the last sentence is part of your MC's voice, and I think the 1-10 is immediately qualified by "about to get worse."
ReplyDeleteYou have a very direct MC which I like. She does sound on the young side, but if that's where your story is going, that'll work too.
Sounds like fun!
I like this and I'm curious as to what exactly is about to happen to her that will make her life miserable. Obviously losing her boyfriend didn't measure on her personal "sucky" meter, so there has to be something really bad that's going to happen to her. I'd read on to figure out more.:)
ReplyDeleteLove the voice! I don't think the tense is necessarily an issue if the character is talking about something that hasn't happened yet, but that she knows is going to. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI like this, and I would keep reading. It could be YA, I sent in my first 50 (post number 11) and completely forgot to add the YA at the beginning of my genre. Le sigh.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, good luck :)
I really like the strong voice. It draws you in to the character.
ReplyDeleteI love this, and I think the tense works just fine. I read it as, this month so far has been sucky, then recounting why, so past tense is appropriate. I'm guessing losing the boyfriend is just first in a list or sequence of events. Yes, it barely registered on the Suck-O-Meter, but other things must have piled on top of it, and I'm betting that's what we'd see in the next 50-100 words. Voice works wonders, because there's no way I would have stopped reading at this point in a bookstore.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you can definitely know things are about to get suckier. Like if she were about to go in front of a disciplinary review board or something.
Great job!
Good - I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDelete