Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #39

TITLE: Brothers on the Rim
GENRE: YA Thriller

Artie sure was fast on his feet; you’d think the wet grass would slow him down, not Art.

40 comments:

  1. No.
    I'm not sure of the punctuation here. I think you should have 3 sentences rather than 1.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No. I'm afraid the sentence structure needs work.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No, needs a bit more work and restructre.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No: like someone else just said, this feels like several sentences squished into one. I'd suggest restructuring it. For example, a hint that the narrator is the one chasing after Art would be more interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No - maybe a better description of Artie. The three parts of one sentence are a little disconnected.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yep. You caught me--I squished my sentences together for this exercise. There are three.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No. Theseare3 sentences, not one. And splitting them will emphasize Artie's fast pace.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very sneaky, Karen! In that case, I'll say yes. If the sentences were separated, I'd get the idea that someone was admiring Art's speed. Maybe his brother (judging from the title)? I'd read on to find out. Though there's also the chance that this is third person, and Art is speaking about himself. If that is what's happening, I don't particularly care for it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. Why are they running? It didn't pull me in.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No. The sentence structure feels off. Mostly the punctuation. The first line "Artie sure was fast on his feet" might work though. Somewhat general, but a nice solid concept.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No. The voice actually felt more MG than YA to me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No... the voice isn't quite right and since I have no idea why he's running or where, and it's obviously not the main character, I'm not sure this is the place to start, sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No. Should have stopped at the semi-colon.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No. The voice sounds young, and it should be three sentences.

    ReplyDelete
  16. No

    The structure really threw me off. Like, honestly i wondered if the semi-colon was added in to make two sentences into one just so both could make it into the crit

    ReplyDelete
  17. No,

    LIke the comment above mine, the structure of the sentence through me off.

    I also think the introduction of the nickname could wait a little bit.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No- I'm with the confused group here. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  19. No.

    Not sold on the voice. It feels very young, and sort of overly vernacular-y in a forced way.

    ReplyDelete
  20. No... I read the sentence three times and was still confused.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No... I read the sentence three times and was still confused.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No. I'm confused by a couple of things: 1) is Art another person, a nickname for Artie, or an art class he's about to attend? 2) Wet grass doesn't seem like something that would necessarily slow a person down. I'm sure it could slow someone down, because they'd have to be careful, but wet grass connotes more of a slippery situation than a make-someone-slow situation. So…yeah. A little more precision in the images and ideas presented would help with making this clear! :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Yes. Just fix the grammar. I like the voice.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No. Sentence construction is off.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No. This sounds like reporter speak. Telling not showing. I'd rather see Artie slide across the wet grass and miraculously keep his feet. Something that tells us about both the narrator and what he thinks/feels, as well as Artie.

    ReplyDelete
  26. No. Besides the punctuation issues, there's nothing particularly interesting or original in the sentence. Also I had some confusion in that I wouldn't think wet grass would slow anyone terribly, unless he were to slip or it were really tall, thick grass.

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. The punctuation confused me, and it's very contradictory.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No. The grammar seems wrong, and I'm weirdly picky about these things. Also, for a thriller, it doesn't pack much punch.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No
    Needs more structuring.

    ReplyDelete
  30. No--I was confused on what was meant by the "not Art." I think I get it, but this reads a bit clunky. Also the POV feels strange with the narrator telling the reader about Artie, but I am used to seeing either first person POV or close third in YA rather than a distanced narrator.

    ReplyDelete
  31. No. The sentence should be edited grammatically.

    ReplyDelete
  32. No. I think this is better as two sentences and I Art being fast doesn't intrigue me enough.

    ReplyDelete
  33. No. No cheating. (I probably would have said yes to the actual first sentence.)

    ReplyDelete
  34. No, sorry. I'm not sure how art and being fast fit together.

    ReplyDelete
  35. No. Perhaps if the sentence is pared down to "You’d think the wet grass would slow Art down..."

    If he's being chased, making it "You'd think being chased through the wet grass would slow Art down" would amp up the tension to a fast yes from me--I'd want to know who and why.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Just. I would have been more intrigued (as a first sentence only) with the seven words of your real first line.

    ReplyDelete
  37. No--Perhaps - Artie sure was fast on his feet. Then show him running, or show the narrator running and trying to keep up.

    ReplyDelete
  38. No. The punctuation makes it feel strange, and it doesn't sound like a YA voice - it seems too young.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yes, I like this. Does sound a little MG but this depends on what comes next.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I haven't checked back with this in a while. But if anyone is interested, and not sure this is allowed, but here's the WriteOn Con entry: http://writeoncon.com/forum/showthread.php?12236-YA-Thriller-Brothers-On-The-Rim.

    It's two sentences. The narrator is 15. Thanks for the comments everyone.

    ReplyDelete