Miss Snark's First Victim
You're allowed more than one sentence! This gets confused by the end..and no idea why she has to give up her happiness to protect her (male or female?) friend.
OK, you need a comma or something as that last bit comes across as she raised the child from a sexual predator.
This didn't flow well for me. The last phrase confused me and it might be better to leave out "she helped raise." And why must she choose between personal happiness and helping her friend?
First off, in things like this, spell out seventeen-year-old. The whole phrase must be hyphenated here since it's used as an adjective, and spelling it is more accepted. Second, why must she choose between these two things? And what makes her personal happiness? What is the conflict? Is the sexual predator threatening her orphaned friend in a manner that must make her give up cabaret, the one thing that makes her happy? There are a lot of details missing, and you have room to expand, so do so! What is the motivation and conflict here? Describe them in concrete terms and you'll have something interesting. 1890s New Orleans certainly sounds interesting, especially with the infusion of cabaret, but setting and background aren't enough without that GMC.
Personal happiness is an abstraction. It means different things to different people. Say what that specifically means for your MC. What is her definition of happiness?Then say why she must choose. Why can't she do both? What/who stands in her way?And maybe turn this around.When a sexual predator threatens the orphan NAME helped raise, the 17 year old cabaret performer must choose between . . . .Oh, and the title . . . . I don't know French so I have no idea how to say it, and even if I could say it (chevo Ru?) I have no idea what it means. That may be the case for a lot of other readers. Just something to think about.
sounds like moulin rouge meets jack the ripper? could be an interesting premise. though i did get a little lost on the last part, as it almost makes it sound like your MC raised the orphaned sexual predator, which i'm sure is not the case. rework the wording and let us know what makes her happy, and i think you'll have a winner.
I like the premise and the location, but I want to know more about what that 'personal happiness' is and WHY she must make this choice.
This is a description of the choice she makes, probably at the end of Act 1. It doesn't tell us what she is going to do in order to protect the friend. Also "personal happiness" is too vague. What is she ACTUALLY giving up in order to achieve her goal? Love? A job? Her red hair?
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1890s New Orleans is great place for this story.You could fluff out your logline with more than what feels to me like reportage and you'd have a winner. See comments above for specifics.I'd read on.
Love the idea and the concise logline. But, at 17, I'm wondering how she's had time to raise anyone. She's barely raised herself. Maybe she's taken care of a girl for a couple of years? But I got hung up on that line. Unless you change "raise" to "free" and she freed this girl from a predator. Or if she really has taken care of her for several years, then "she helped raise after rescuing her from a sexual predator"
I'm hooked. The only thing I question is the personal happiness thing. That is too vague. What is she giving up that makes her happy. Oh, and I love the title.
Very interesting premise! I'd like to read this one. Your logline, however, feels a little clunky. I wonder if you can break up the information into two sentences rather than stacking up detail after detail in a single sentence. Also, I'm not clear on why the protagonist has to choose between happiness and helping her friend. What exactly is she sacrificing?Hope this helps!God bless,Diana
I agree with above comments but wanted you to know this is a great concept and setting!
Love the time and city. I agree that more is needed. I asked why must she choose, too?
I started to comment to agree with Walter @ #2 - as written, this grammatically says that she raised the orphaned friend "from a sexual predator" into something else - but it occurred to me that this might be a typo for "rescued from a sexual predator" - which (in the words of Rosemary Lutella) "isn't the same thing at all."The teenage cabaret performer idea is new and fresh, but I might also suggest something more descriptive than "personal happiness" for the performer's first choice. Choose between her career and her friend? Choose between a romantic stranger/lover/fill-in-the-blank ... but "personal happiness" vs. the friend means I already know the friend wins because it's not a good story if she chooses the selfish road. (Plus, I'm guessing she ends up happy anyway, after doing the right thing.)
The concept sounds unique. My biggest question after reading this was...Why does she need to choose?
I'm another one who read this that she had raised the friend from being a sexual predator into something else. I had to reread it to understand what you meant. Can you drop the bit about helping raise her (I'm assuming the friend is female) and just say 'protecting an orphaned friend from a sexual predator...". I would also like more details on what 'personal happiness' means as I'm wondering why she has to choose between being happy and helping her friend (and not wondering in a oooh-it-makes-me-want-to-read-the-book kind of way). The cabaret performer and 1890s New Orleans definitely make me want to read it though :-)