TITLE: SHAKING THE BONES
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Finally the air conditioning kicks on. Maryann pushes up from the high backed chair and crosses the dining room to stand below the air conditioning vent; it blows the best cold air in the house. Tilting her face up, she breathes in the cool air, but misjudging her precarious balance, she wobbles forward. Her swollen abdomen presses against the wall and underneath her white tank top, a tiny foot kicks back.
"Hey!" She pokes the foot and then gasps, setting her mouth against the gymnastic onslaught of the tiny body living inside. "I thought we passed the alien stage?"
But there is no reasoning with it. Not even the tricks her midwife, Liz, showed her worked. Especially the pelvic thrusts she did, just as instructed, on her hands and knees. (It took about an hour after that experiment for the last kicks to subside.) But each feisty move is a reminder not to complain. If Doc thinks for a moment that her attitude about having the baby at home is weakening, she would be relentless, pounding on about the superior benefits of being in the hospital. And the hospital is the last place Maryann wants to go.
A passing car draws her attention out the window. She lays her hands lightly on her stomach as it crawls past at the speed of snail. "The world has turned into a huge, hot waiting room."
It's been awhile for me, but I sure related to Maryann's feelings. I especially connected with the line "The world has turned into a huge, hot waiting room."
ReplyDeleteI was looking for a sense of where this story's headed, but didn't find a clear one. At first I thought the conflict might be that she doesn't want a baby. But then her insistence on giving birth at home is the attitude of a woman who's very much into having a baby. Which, in turn, made me wonder why she tried so hard to stop the baby from kicking--I haven't run into any pregnant woman who minded that, but that's just my experience. In the end I was just left wondering what the story is, which didn't make me want to read more.
The writing's competent, so I think it's just a matter of finding the right opening. Best wishes to you!
Great description of being really, really pregnant. I remember the alien stage. :) I personally am not a fan of present tense stories, so I struggled with this.
ReplyDeleteI know you have some leeway with pace in Women's Fiction, but I have no idea what's going on here. She's pregnant and hot and doesn't want to have the baby in the hospital. I'm guessing that's a factor, but I'd like to know why.
Also, in the last paragraph, watch your sentence structure. "as it crawls past at the speed of a snail" makes it sound like her stomach did the crawling, not the car outside. The pronoun will refer back to the last noun mentioned -- her stomach. I obviously knew what you meant, but you don't want anything that will pull a reader out of the story.
Hm, I am intrigued though I usually stay away from anything baby. I like the use of descriptions and the "alien stage", and I think I will like her as a heroine.
ReplyDeleteI am curious as to what this will be about though.
Thanks!
I see your heroine going in two directions at once, which maybe you want to convey. It saddens and worries me, and that's a hook for reading on, but I feel we need to start somewhere else, maybe with a doctor telling her something that might change her life or she rereads it.
ReplyDeleteI like that you bring in scene and senses here it puts me with her.
The writing is good but I have no idea what the story is about. I'm wondering if there's something to that car going by at a snail's pace. And I'm not getting any clues from the title or genre. I just don't have a clue, and because of that, I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteHmm, interesting, She's hugely pregnant, but doesn't want to go to the hospital. Wow! Brave woman. I would read on just to see if she ends up in the woods, sweating, fending off doctors with a sharpened stick.
ReplyDeleteI'm slightly intrigued. Not sure if I would keep reading. I'm wondering how this character is really feeling besides being really pregnant and hot. Is she unhappy about the pregnancy? I would guess she is.
ReplyDeleteSome writing seems clunky to me and hard to follow. Why is the last line in quotations?
By and large, I think this is well written--my main concern is that it's a little *too* dropped into the middle of a scene. We're urged to start in the middle of the action, but what I (and many others) are missing here is a sense of the bigger picture. This would be a terrific scene once we know what's going on, and why it's important.
ReplyDeleteMy only small nitpick is the "world as a waiting room." It is a terrific line, but not something I can imagine anyone actually saying out loud. Think it? Yes. Say it? Mmm...only if you're giving a speech.
Nice scene and good writing, but I'd like a mite of a clue about where this is going to go ...
ReplyDeleteThere was a bit much of the echoing words in the first paragraph for my taste, I felt like the writing there hadn't been cleaned up.
ReplyDeleteBut the biggest problem here is that nothing happened. I'm not hooked because there was no hook.
And, this is partly a personal prejudice, but it's really, really hard to make present tense work for an entire novel. When I see it, I pretty much assume it's not going to work and it's hard for me to really get "in" the story because part of me is watching to be proven right.
RE: title—“The Bones” is awkward, and it doesn’t particularly give me a women’s fiction feeling.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
Finally the air conditioning kicks on. Maryann pushes up from the high backed chair and crosses the dining room to stand below the air conditioning vent; it blows the best cold air in the house. Tilting her face up, she breathes in the cool air, but misjudging her precarious balance, she wobbles forward. Her swollen abdomen presses against the wall and underneath her white tank top, a tiny foot kicks back.
This is great writing. I like the voice.
I’m usually against this kind of beginning—you’re not placing us in the story immediately, with urgency—but this is women’s fiction, so I’m willing to give you a bit more leniency in terms of putting us straight into the story. If within a few pages this pregnancy hasn’t started to have immediate relevancy—or you haven’t placed me in a situation of urgency—it’d be a pass.
"Hey!" She pokes the foot and then gasps, setting her mouth against the gymnastic onslaught of the tiny body living inside. "I thought we passed the alien stage?"
I like this—cute! (Again, not persuaded this is the best place to start, but there’s nothing that is a loud warning sign just yet.)
But there is no reasoning with it. Not even the tricks her midwife, Liz, showed her worked. Especially the pelvic thrusts she did, just as instructed, on her hands and knees. (It took about an hour after that experiment for the last kicks to subside.) But each feisty move is a reminder not to complain. If Doc thinks for a moment that her attitude about having the baby at home is weakening, she would be relentless, pounding on about the superior benefits of being in the hospital. And the hospital is the last place Maryann wants to go.
You should say “showed her have worked.” Cut “she did.” “She would” should be “she will.”
I’m intrigued, wondering what’s at the hospital—or what it is about Maryann’s character—that keeps her from the hospital.
A passing car draws her attention out the window. She lays her hands lightly on her stomach as it crawls past at the speed of snail. "The world has turned into a huge, hot waiting room."
This paragraph kind of demonstrates why this beginning will be ineffective—to a significant degree, you’re stalling the plot; unless the car is directly related to something that happens in the next paragraph, cut the detail. Move, move to where this is going.
I think 250 words is radical for having a clue about the story—the first two, three pages, yes. I would keep reading because I think the writing is good—and I like the imagery, and that last line of dialogue is great.
I agree with SA that there's some nice imagery and you paint a clear picture of how she feels, even to someone who hasn't been pregnant. There's an indication of conflict (she doesn't want to go to a hospital) and although this is unfolding slowly, I gather that's ok for this genre. It doesn't hugely hook me, but I don't read this genre much. I'd read on a bit to see where this was going.
ReplyDelete