TITLE: DUALITY
GENRE: Science Fiction
My eyes fluttered open. I was shivering. Exhausted. Unable to focus.
Gotta find a blanket, I thought as the shivering worsened. Get up... My mind blanked. Get up...
In that tiny space where a name should have popped into my head, silence lingered, accompanied by the haunting sensation that something was wrong.
I couldn't remember my name.
Beeping stole my attention for a moment. I couldn't tell if it was real, or just in my mind. My head remained fixed, eyes still blurred. What's going on? My arms struggled against restraints. How did I get here? My legs didn't move. Why can't I remember? The beeping at my side increased with my panic. Something poked me in the back.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught some small movement. A group of people clad only in white stood just a few feet away from where I lay trapped. Several of them wrote on what looked like small electronic devices.
One of them, a brunette, approached me, her eyes soft and almost calming. "Hey there," she said quietly.
I tensed, struggling to focus. She seemed familiar, but I couldn't remember why. A small tear rolled down her cheek. "Who are you?" I asked, my voice barely stronger than a whisper.
Her eyes narrowed. "Janelle?"
I turned back and stared at the ceiling, closing my eyes against my throbbing head. The beeping just wouldn't stop. "Janelle?" Is that my name? I...
A sudden splitting ache ravaged my head.
Excellent beginning. I just have a few comments: Your eyes fluttered open - unable to focus. They are still blurred in paragraph 5. Then in para 6 you seem to have focus. Para 7 you do have focus. Para 8 you're again struggling to focus. I found myself distracted with whether or not you could focus. Other than that, this is definitely a great opening. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI liked the beginning - it had the anxiety of waking up suddenly with no idea of where you are - it was perfect. I am intrigued over the dialogue in particular - I was a tad confused as to who was speaking, and who was crying, though I think it's the white clad girl.
ReplyDeleteOther then that - awesome!
Thanks!
I liked the situation your MC is stuck in. It's easy to empathize with her immediately and it drew me right in.
ReplyDeleteBut I thought this needed another revision or two. You have body parts that act on their own, a person who can't move one moment and can the next.
Maybe show her try to move before you say her head was fixed? You had me wondering what the heck that meant.
Her arms didn't struggle. She did, by wriggling her arms. Same with her legs. Say she couldn't move her legs, rather than 'my legs didn't move.' And where is 'here?' Does she know where she is, or is the place as unknown as her name?
I got the impression she was strapped down somewhere, so I wondered how she got poked in the back, (it seemed she was laying on her back) and how she turned her head back to stare at the ceiling when her head was fixed before.
Grrr, it ate my comment.
ReplyDeleteWell, I loved the beginning few lines, great atmosphere. Though I got caught at "get up..." because I didn't see how that connected with the next sentence. It didn't feel natural to me that the completion of that thought would be her own name.
And I cannot make "splitting ache ravaged my head" work for me. Ravaged just doesn't convey a compatible image for me.
Other than that this could have been a very cliched opening scene for the genre but it didn't feel that way. Well done.
I'm curious about what's happening to MC, so the piece is effective, but I, too, am having trouble following the scene. MC sees a lot out of the corner of her eye. Her head is fixed, but then she turns back and stares at the ceiling. Is she restrained or trapped? Each term provides a different connotation.
ReplyDeleteThe clause "accompanied by the haunting sensation that" strikes me as too wordy. Just write "Something was wrong."
There seems to be some tense confusion; i.e., My legs didn't move. Why can't I remember? (instead of why couldn't I remember).
Was some small movement the group of people standing (presumably not moving) or something else?
Overall, I'd say this is a great start, but needs to be thought through more clearly on exactly what is happening.
Immediate thought—good title; fits the genre.
ReplyDeleteYour text:
My eyes fluttered open. I was shivering. Exhausted. Unable to focus.
Gah. Scenes that irritate me a lot are the scenes in which the character is waking from sleep or unconsciousness. They’re overdone and it’s hard to offer something unique to them. If I were reading this in a query, I would be skipping down to see if we find out anytime soon why we should care about this character—to find out what happened and what will happen.
Gotta find a blanket, I thought as the shivering worsened. Get up... My mind blanked. Get up...
In that tiny space where a name should have popped into my head, silence lingered, accompanied by the haunting sensation that something was wrong.
“My mind blanked” is melodramatic. As is the last sentence. I’m going to be picky here, too—how does your character remember the sensation if his (her?) mind was blank and silent? That implies to me he isn’t registering what is happening.
I couldn't remember my name.
This is not the first beginning I’ve read in which this has been the case—I strongly believe that openings need to be entirely unique to the story (the entire novel should be, ideally, but beginnings particularly). Give me something unique to your character(s) and/or the world that you’re creating.
Beeping stole my attention for a moment. I couldn't tell if it was real, or just in my mind. My head remained fixed, eyes still blurred. What's going on? My arms struggled against restraints. How did I get here? My legs didn't move. Why can't I remember? The beeping at my side increased with my panic. Something poked me in the back.
I don’t like how these different things are happening to your character—your character’s attention can’t just be stolen. Your character should register it, hear it, and then choose to concentrate on it, etc.
You’re also doing a lot of telling here—panic is best shown, best felt. The novels I like the most in which there are scenes a la this one are the ones that draw me into the exact feeling of the moment.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught some small movement. A group of people clad only in white stood just a few feet away from where I lay trapped. Several of them wrote on what looked like small electronic devices.
Good . . .
One of them, a brunette, approached me, her eyes soft and almost calming. "Hey there," she said quietly.
Details need to make sense to the scene—the fact that this woman is a brunette doesn’t matter to the scene that is unfolding here. In addition, “her eyes soft and almost calming” is mostly telling—is there a brief phase that you can share that shows she is concerned?
I tensed, struggling to focus. She seemed familiar, but I couldn't remember why. A small tear rolled down her cheek. "Who are you?" I asked, my voice barely stronger than a whisper.
Hasn’t your MC been tense for a while? I would be, if I were in this situation.
Her eyes narrowed. "Janelle?"
Not sure here if this character is referring to herself or to your MC—it’s bothering me that I don’t know if this MC is female or male and at what age.
To be continued . . .
. . . continued:
ReplyDeleteI turned back and stared at the ceiling, closing my eyes against my throbbing head. The beeping just wouldn't stop. "Janelle?" Is that my name? I...
A sudden splitting ache ravaged my head.
The last sentence again makes your character passive—obviously, people can’t control whether or not they get headaches, etc., but at least they are aware of them and try to control them, try to mitigating them—can you show how your character is dealing, at least? Show us the pain—show us the fetal position into which your character goes, etc.? Telling us everything in a sentence like above is ineffective.
I’m not hooked—I think this needs some work to read cleaner and to be as tense as it should be. As I mentioned above, I’m not sure that this is the perfect place for you to start—it is nearly always a better bet to start in the scene in which this captivity is important to what your character wants. There’s nothing unique to this opening and to the captivity/laboratory setting. In addition, there are some awkward sentences others that could most definitely be stronger.
Seeing the genre on this piece got me so excited. I've been longing for a good science fiction!
ReplyDeleteI would take out the tags in your second paragraph. Let us just hear your character's thoughts without commentary. Gotta find a blanket. Get up, get up...
You don't need to tell us 'I couldn't remember my name.' The silence in the previous paragraph does the job for you.
When Janelle comes over, I wanted more emotion from her. She's crying. Does she take the main character's hand? Touch them somehow? Can the MC feel her touch? How does that make him/her feel? When Janelle gives her name, she narrows her eyes, which implied annoyance to me. Why? Does she look surprised instead? Or concerned? How does she look to the MC?
And the last line confuses me. You've just said the MC's head is throbbing, but now there's a sudden splitting ache? Intensify the pain, sure, but it can't be sudden if it's already there.
I love the title. I want to find out what it means. And despite amnesia being tricky to manage, I'd read on to find out what happened. Good job!
thanks, y'all. back to the drawing board...
ReplyDeleteI found this interesting but I want to know a little more about the situation. I don't think you need to go back to the drawing board, you might just want to add more details to what you have.
ReplyDelete