TITLE: The Clown House
GENRE: Thriller
When his little brother is murdered, wealthy Silicon Valley lawyer Roger Steele returns home to Phoenix to ind strangely complacent detectives. Drawing on a network of high school friends--a judge, a politician, a prosecutor--Roger conducts his own investigation, only to discover his brother was a player in the harrowing world of Mexican drug cartels and the Arizona officials who protect them--including an old friend who orders Roger and the rest of his family killed.
I like this, and I think it's almost there, but not 100% as strong as it could be. There are elements in here that are throwing me off of the tone of this book. "Little brother" typically makes me think of a kid, and then we find out he's in drug cartels, so I'm assuming the murdered brother must at least be a teenager. Can you define the brother a bit more? Is he a teen? Is he a high school drop-out? Is he in college? What age is he that he's in this cartel and getting murdered? I'd cut the Silicon Valley because it's irrelevant here; he heads to Phoenix. Also, I'm wondering why you need to mention the network of high school friends here, as the important thing is that Roger conducts his own investigation since the complacent cops won't. Simplify where possible. I'd mention as few characters as possible to avoid confusion and overload. As it stands now, we have Roger, his dead brother, complacent detectives, a judge, a politician, a prosecutor, and the murderous friend, on top of taking in the idea of Mexican drug lords and protective Arizona officials...all in two sentences. Pare this down, and I think you'll have it, though. It certainly hits the mark when I think of a thriller, and I love the title.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an interesting story. I do get the sense of a lot of conflict and danger.
ReplyDeleteI would maybe leave out the judge, politician and prosector line and just list them as 'prominent figures', so it doesn't muddy up the waters and take focus away from the MC. If the brother is a teen or adult, you may want to say younger instead of little.
I think you have it all here. Just perhaps cut a lot of the extraneous stuff - little, Silicon Valley, Judge politician prosecutor. And you might consider changing the word harrowing (distressing, vexing) to something stronger. (deadly)
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ReplyDeleteBut what's the choice/specific problem to conquer? Just that there are murders out to get him? What choice does he face and what are the consequences? There was no hook here that left me with a question I wanted answered. I came away from this with a sense of "and...?"
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I admire that you tackled such a complicated story with an attorney's power to understand how to use the law and dealing with powerful friends.
ReplyDeleteToday, Holly Bodger listed more helpful ideas on loglines. One suggestion was to not list obstacles. I interpret that here as to not list the professions of your friends, rather say they're powerful and one of them is your Judas, thus highlighting the antagonist and at the same time showing irony.
Little things: corect the typo "to ind." I got the meaning anyway.
The premise is great! I just think you have too much. Try to simplify this by cutting out the excess,
ReplyDeleteYour first line could read...
When his brother is murdered, Silicon Valley lawyer Roger Steele returns to Phoenix to grill? (What's ind?) complacent detectives.
By cutting out the adverbs and some the descriptive words help strengthen a logline.
Good luck!
Very helpful comments everyone! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to give us the ending here. Just focus on the things that are making it difficult for him to solve the case of the murder. Also, I think we need to see some consequences for Roger.
ReplyDeleteI liked the fact that he had friends in those positions. it made me think that he had a team at his back - which makes the story a lot more interesting to me.
ReplyDeleteI think this is good. It's got all the elements - assuming the consequences are that his family will get killed. Work on trimming out the words you don't need, and I think you've got it!
ReplyDeleteThis is good, but could be pruned. You can take out things like 'little' in reference to his brother - they're both adults so it probably doesn't matter that the brother is younger. 'Silicon Valley' - I think someone else said it doesn't matter where he lives now as the story is set in Phoenix and you already have adjectives about him (wealthy lawyer). I'd also drop the mention of his friends, or just say something along the lines of 'His school friends help Roger investigate...'. Listing their professions does kind of make sense because you're demonstrating how they can help him, but given your logline is a bit long already, I think this can go. The part about Mexican drug cartels and Arizona officials is the part that will hook people in, along with the old friend who orders Roger killed.
ReplyDeleteI also wouldn't mind a hint of Roger's choice. eg. flee back to the safety of home, or stay and try to bring his killers to justice? I'm assuming they're his choices, but maybe something else is involved.
It sounds like a great story and I think you'd write an excellent query for it.
Sounds very exciting, but too long for a log line (as I've learned here). Cut most of descriptive details, stick to the guts of the plot and the consequence and always quadruple check your spelling, grammar, and puncuation (another lesson I learned).
ReplyDelete