TITLE: Amber and the Whispering Willows
GENRE: M/G - Y/A Fantasy
Car lights flooded the Esplanade as limo after limo pulled into the circular driveway of the the Mayor of Helmsdale's mansion. Falling snowflakes created delicate shimmers of light on the nearby pine trees as elegant ladies, draped in furs, entered through the columned portico, escorted by gentlemen in tuxedos.
On the edge of the village, Paul Sanders paced in his living room. He rumpled his sandy-blonde hair in frustration and clicked on the television; New Year's Rocking Eve blasted into the room. "This is no time to celebrate," he muttered and switched off the set. Picking a book from a nearby shelf, he flipped to the first page, then tossed the book onto the sofa. Why her? Only twenty-two and now I'm raising our child alone!"
Three years ago this very night, it happened. He would never forget how long he had waited downtown. Just before midnight he received a call; a drunk driver side-swiped his wife's car. She swerved into oncoming traffic and died instantly.
Punching his fist into his trembling hand, an image of an ethereal woman streaked through his mind. She had been there to comfort him that tragic night. If it hadn't been for her, he never would have been able to cope with what had happened. "Where is she now?" he blurted out.
As he sat on the couch, thoughts of Elena haunted him. Their many years of friendship had grown into so much more. Paul adored his wife, but Elena owned his soul.
I liked the fact that it turned out Elena wasn't his wife. Nice twist.
ReplyDeleteBut I wondered why you started with the Mayor's house since we don't see what is going on there, no one is mentioned by name, and then you immediately leave the scene.
We go from the Mayor's house, to Paul Sanders, to his wife's death - three different scenes in as many paragraphs.
I thought the last paragraph was the strongest and would like to have learned what he is so upset about now. Why does he need Elena to be there now? What is his current crisis? It seems that should be the focus of your opening.
I would echo Barabara int he confusion at going from the Mayor's house and then to Paul - though I think we may be meant to assume that Paul is the Mayor?
ReplyDeleteI also like the twist, it makes it suddenly very interesting in a heart thudding kind of way.
I think I would like more flow from scene to scene, but I admit I am intrigued by the start of this story.
Thanks!
The MG/YA classification confused me. Is the adult in this opening scene your main character? If not, I'd worry about this as an opening, it distances us from the main character right from the beginning. If the adult is the mc, then I'm not sure how that would work in YA at all.
ReplyDeleteBut there's some great imagery here. Though, like the others, I felt a bit disoriented not exactly sure where I was or who I was supposed to be focused on.
Love the twist at the end, though.
Two immediate thoughts:
ReplyDelete1. I’m positive there’s a better title out there.
2. You should figure out whether your genre is MG or YA—even if there’s crossover potential, it’s going to be really tough to place something that straddles the line.
Your text:
Car lights flooded the Esplanade as limo after limo pulled into the circular driveway of the the Mayor of Helmsdale's mansion. Falling snowflakes created delicate shimmers of light on the nearby pine trees as elegant ladies, draped in furs, entered through the columned portico, escorted by gentlemen in tuxedos.
Between this paragraph and the next, you skip whatever connects the two scenes—I’m jolted out of the text (and would have passed on it already if it were a query). It’s completely unrelated to anything else that happens in the beginning.
You’re also playing with potential POV issues—be careful that you either narrate the text in an omniscient POV (the narrator sees all) or 3rd (the narrator can see only what your MC sees).
On the edge of the village, Paul Sanders paced in his living room. He rumpled his sandy-blonde hair in frustration and clicked on the television; New Year's Rocking Eve blasted into the room. "This is no time to celebrate," he muttered and switched off the set. Picking a book from a nearby shelf, he flipped to the first page, then tossed the book onto the sofa. Why her? Only twenty-two and now I'm raising our child alone!"
This feels like a prologue now, considering that an adult usually shouldn’t narrate YA or MG—I would just skip right into the bulk of the story, the scene where there is immediate tension (the scene without which the story couldn’t exist).
Scenes like this—in which the character is simply existing and thinking, not really doing—are really uninteresting, and I’m not sure what I should latch onto here and why. Again, skip ahead.
Three years ago this very night, it happened. He would never forget how long he had waited downtown. Just before midnight he received a call; a drunk driver side-swiped his wife's car. She swerved into oncoming traffic and died instantly.
We know nothing about Paul, so—though harsh, it’s true—I don’t know why I should care. You need to hook me into the life of your character and the story that is unfolding before you start dropping background information.
Punching his fist into his trembling hand, an image of an ethereal woman streaked through his mind. She had been there to comfort him that tragic night. If it hadn't been for her, he never would have been able to cope with what had happened. "Where is she now?" he blurted out.
As he sat on the couch, thoughts of Elena haunted him. Their many years of friendship had grown into so much more. Paul adored his wife, but Elena owned his soul.
Okay, so finally we see something interesting . . . I’d guess there will come a scene in which it is crucially important—life-or-death important—for Paul to find or understand this ethereal world. Or perhaps there’s a scene in which his wife’s death changes the course of his life, and this leads to something or other—start with that scene. Start with the scene that begins your story, not the scene that sets up why something that happens in the story is important.
I’m not hooked.
You have a lot of elements here, and they’re interesting elements, but I would be concerned about the disjoint in your first few paragraphs, the adult character wondering about adult issues in a novel that is for kids and/or teens, and the lack of immediate tension.
The first thing I'd say is pick one genre. Middle grade varies greatly from YA in tone, voice, content, and more; agents who represent one don't necessarily look at the other. Pick one, or in the infamous words of the original Miss Snark, agents will want shoot you with a clue gun. I think I remember this title from the logline critiques (forgive me if I'm wrong about that), and I think everyone's consensus was this sounded like MG. Stick with it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, while the content may eventually be MG, this voice doesn't reflect MG or YA, nor does your focus character. I'll echo but not repeat what others said about confusion with the mayor's place not being in the scene beyond paragraph one. I'll add to that the fact that 1/2 of this is backstory. I understand that to set a scene you may need backstory on the wife's death and Elena's appearance, but I'd limit it to about 3-4 sentences max, not two full paragraphs. And, since Elena is the one still in the story, I'd focus on her, not how the wife died. It's enough for the reader to know at this point that the wife is dead. In an opening, we don't need the details of how it happened.
One final thing - often, the more powerful opening scenes start with the main character, which I'm assuming is Amber from the title, but she isn't even mentioned (at least not by name). She's not the POV character here, she's not clearly in the scene. So, is this the ideal starting point, or is this whole thing backstory in one form or another? Amber's absence leaves me wondering... I strongly recommend starting in the "present" of the story, i.e. near the inciting incident that drives Amber to action. (Even if your story is told in the past, the story has its "present" where the scene is happening and its "past," i.e. backstory.)
The writing itself is strong, though, and I remember liking this premise, so I hope you find a way to smooth out the kinks here.
Given the title and the mention of the ethereal woman in your last paragraph, I'm getting a sense that you've got a spooky/scary story planned for us. Also, your description of people going in to the Mayor's party was gorgeous. I saw the scene quite clearly.
ReplyDeleteBut (isn't there always a but?) you take us out of that world immediately and Paul's world is bland and uninteresting in comparison. Why is it important for us to see him pacing and frustrated? Is it because of the Mayor's party? Does he simply not want people to celebrate because his wife died on New Year's Eve? If that's the case, why is he this angry about it?
Also, like others have said, I'm
not sure how an introduction to Paul (who I'm assuming is Amber's father) serves your story. If it truly is either MG or YA, he's not the character we need to connect with right away.
I'm also a little confused by mention of the age. Was his wife 22? Is he 22? Either way, unless they had a child -extremely- young, she can only be four or so.
Needs some clarification, in other words, but you've got a great hand with the imagery.
I get it.. Here's a revise:
ReplyDeleteCar lights flooded the Esplanade as limo after limo pulled into the circular driveway of Helmsdale’s town square. Falling snowflakes created delicate shimmers of light on the nearby pine trees as elegant ladies, draped in furs, entered through the columned portico, escorted by gentlemen in tuxedos.
Crowds gathered. Midnight approached as bottles of champagne waited to be uncorked. Fireworks exploded in the clear sky, while the mayor and his wife hosted the festivities. “Not much longer folks!” he shouted. The fireworks began their glorious crescendo as the clock ticked to the new millennium.
A flash of light, unnoticed by the people of the village, illuminated inside the nearby tree grove. Onto the rocky path, a tall, slender woman appeared. The willow trees swayed in the gentle breeze as she glided toward her destination.
A moonlit pond came into view. The woman stopped and then waited. She began to pace as a buzzing sound echoed from across the water. A glittering jewel-bright dragonfly skittered along the pond’s edge. It stopped in front of her and began to spin, transforming into a handsome male fairy, glistening emerald and sapphire with each beat of his wings. His shiny black eyes reflected her curious expression.
“Why have I been asked here, Dak?” she asked.
“She will come forth in due time,” he said in a resonant voice.
Ignoring her stare, the male fairy turned toward the pond as an electric blue monarch butterfly floated across the water. It fluttered up to the woman, and a moment later transformed into a tiny female fairy.
I hope this takes care of the jolt and clarifies things. Thank you for your comments.
That you're rewriting this without hesitation - and this is rewriting, since only the first paragraph holds similarity to the original - that worries me. This is 'complete and polished' right? You have to believe in your own work.
ReplyDeleteYour writing in general is nice. You could do a little more in terms of showing instead of telling (for example 'resonant voice' - how is this resonating?)
However, you seem to be switching scenes a lot. One moment, it is the humans partying, then it immediately cuts to the fairies. This is the very first chapter, the very first scene. You want the readers to be able to familiarise themselves with the characters - and that's not possible if you keep switching the scenes. Pick the most important, pivotal scene that springboards the story - and that should be where you start. The delete button is your friend.
Good luck. :)
While your rewrite does solve the disjointedness, you're still starting with grownups and not with any action involving a child/teen. We also have no idea why the party at the Mayor's is important - why would a child/teen care about this opening?
ReplyDeleteYour quick rewrite shows your versatility, your willingness to learn from a critique, and your way with language. Bravo.
Commenting on the rewrite discussion after some consideration -- for me, it's a bad sign that you rewrote the first 250 words without taking a few days to think about my critique, which brought up four or five major issues with your opening, most of which are still a concern.
ReplyDeleteYou can't just rewrite the first 250 words and think all's good -- the implications of my critique should -- most likely -- transfer into the entire first chapter if not the entire manuscript.
I think you'll need to take the critique and see why some suggestions were made and then apply them to the entire manuscript.
I really liked it, especially the very first paragraph. It seemed so... real, like that was how it actually happened.
ReplyDeleteTypo check! Missed a (") somewhere in here...
"This is no time to celebrate," he muttered and switched off the set. Picking a book from a nearby shelf, he flipped to the first page, then tossed the book onto the sofa. Why her? Only twenty-two and now I'm raising our child alone!"