TITLE: HALFWAY TO ANYWHERE
GENRE: Women's Fiction
ARI
Tonight was meatloaf. It was quiet and just our forks.
Then Mom said, "I think I'll give her a call later."
Dad didn't answer.
Mom said, "What?"
Dad said, "These challenges are sort of par for the course to adulthood, don't you think? Maybe she could use a little space right now."
That was about Steffi. I looked at her chair that no one was in it.
Mom said, "I hardly think I'm being overbearing."
Dad said, "I know, hon. I didn't say you were."
Mom said, "It's not like I'm demanding to know what color her socks are, or, or, what she had for lunch."
Dad said, "Okay, Celie."
Mom put down her glass and did a sigh.
I said, "Is Steffi an adult?" I used to be the one in the higher grade, before my extra years.
Mom said, "In my opinion, eighteen is still very much part of adolescence."
Dad said, "Some would argue adolescence is an art fact." Then he looked at me. He said, "An art fact is anything made by humans. Like tools, or-"
Mom used her loud voice. She said, "Until Stephanie graduates from college and gets a job, she's not an adult."
Some people don't believe I'm older. When we moved in this house a girl came in our yard. Holly. Me and Steffi were digging to India because Steffi said it is better than China.
Holly said, "Hi."
Steffi and me both said, "Hi."
I'm honestly really confused. The dialogue seems forced and disjointed and without a lead in, it's really hard to know what's going or. I can't even give a voice to these characters right now.
ReplyDeleteThere are also quite a few things I don't understand, especially this line. "I said, "Is Steffi an adult?" I used to be the one in the higher grade, before my extra years."
Overall, I think this needs a lead in, something that tells us who the characters are and what they're doing.
Good luck on more revisions!!
Wow, I was surprised to find this genre listed as women's fiction. I had the voice pegged as middle grade, and I had the protag in my mind as mentally challenged (as in the movie "sling blade.").
ReplyDeleteI suggest rethinking this opening to match your genre. The first page is the most expensive real-estate you have.
Good luck!
I'm confused also. Maybe that's intentional, but if so, it goes on too long. I need to be grounded at least a bit to keep reading. This is written more like a script than a novel, which is not a style I could read for long.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but this is just my subjective opinion. Good luck.
I think if you change up your dialogue tags it would help. Instead of leading each one with Mom said/Dad said, give it some variety. Put it at the end, for one thing... "Okay, Celie," Dad said. That makes it read less scripty. Leave some of them without tags if it's clear who's talking, and on the ones you leave in, add some action or movement. Not on everything, but you need some variety to mix things up and feel real.
ReplyDeleteTo me, this reads more like a Dystopian YA. The dialogue is choppy and strange, and it leads me to think one of the 'family members' is really a robot, like in A.I.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue could use a little more action, but I'm aware of the word count restraints.
Nevertheless, I'm intrigued and would read more after a little spit and polish.
I like the way the family dynamic
ReplyDeletefeels - strained and slightly anxious, I think this is a good base to move forward in the story. I do think at this point that Steffi is a little bit of a mystery and thus intriguing, but the main character - she's what has me hooked.
Thanks!
Is the incorrect grammar and choppy phrasing a deliberate voice? I'm with others, I don't get this at all. Without the genre tag it might have worked better though I would have assumed it was YA.
ReplyDeleteThis could be a great angle, the (I assume) challenged sibling narrating the family life as she experiences it. But I'd need more grounding in that scenario for this style to work for me.
Nothing here grabs me - and the writing style makes me think of upper middle grade, not adult fiction.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, especially if this is robots. What a cool way to start an opening. I'd read more to figure this out. the only thing is, if this carried on too long without an answer I'd probably stop reading.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here - The narrator has Down Syndrome, which becomes apparent in the next paragraph. She narrates every other chapter. I hear what all of you are saying, and since the first page is so important, perhaps I should introduce the Down Syndrome information part earlier. I'll think about this. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I was confused at first. I kept wondering how it was women's fiction, but the more I read, the more I got into it. By the end, I realized the short choppy sentences and the stilted telling was intentional, that Ari was probably mentally handicapped, and I wanted more.
ReplyDeleteIt may not work well as a stand alone 250 words with no explanation, (although, on some level it does since at least half the commenters like it) but if you were submitting with a query and/or synopsis, (which would explain) I think it works as is. I'd say, don't be too quick to change it. It's a different approach and it works (IMHO)
In 250 words (very simple words) we have family dynamic, a good portrayal of each family member, (including the sister who isn't even there)the beginnings of a problem and are getting a good understanding of Ari.
I'd definitely read more!
If I was an agent and picked this up expecting Women's Fiction, I'd probably put it down after these 250 words. Because this voice is middle grade. The words are MG. The structure is MG. And I'd have to assume the writer was off in the genre, and perhaps other things, too. Also, the dialogue is a bit choppy. After a while, since the conversation is just between Mom and Dad, you can drop dialogue tags. If only two people are speaking, it's naturally assumed their lines alternate.
ReplyDeleteSo, my two recommendations:
1. Smooth this out a bit as far as sentence structure and flow. It won't take much, you're almost there.
2. As another commenter said, those first few pages are expensive real estate. You better use your opening scene to show the voice of your genre, and it better have your POV character. If this kid (maybe she's older, but your narrator here is definitely a kid mentally) is the main POV character, and this is the right opening scene, then consider very carefully which genre you think this is. You might have it labeled wrong. But, I think you picked the wrong scene because no matter what, I don't know what the goal of your narrator is, I don't know what the conflict for this main character is, I only know what the sister's conflict is, and that's the wrong focus for an opener, given the POV.
Note: after reading your comment about how this narrator has Down's, I can tell you that including that info earlier won't make this voice or opening scene any more Women's Fiction than it is now. I'd start with the other POV character, as I'm assuming that will fit more appropriately with the genre and have the necessary elements (goal, conflict of the POV character) that this current scene is lacking. That's not to say that alternating chapters with the POV of Ari won't be compelling, because I definitely think it will and it has me intrigued. I'm just saying that opening in Ari's POV isn't coming off as the strongest option for this genre.
RE: title—I really like it, and it definitely could be a women’s fiction title. Nice, nice!
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
ARI
Tonight was meatloaf. It was quiet and just our forks.
Then Mom said, "I think I'll give her a call later."
Dad didn't answer.
Mom said, "What?"
Dad said, "These challenges are sort of par for the course to adulthood, don't you think? Maybe she could use a little space right now."
That was about Steffi. I looked at her chair that no one was in it.
Mom said, "I hardly think I'm being overbearing."
Dad said, "I know, hon. I didn't say you were."
Mom said, "It's not like I'm demanding to know what color her socks are, or, or, what she had for lunch."
Dad said, "Okay, Celie."
Mom put down her glass and did a sigh.
I said, "Is Steffi an adult?" I used to be the one in the higher grade, before my extra years.
Mom said, "In my opinion, eighteen is still very much part of adolescence."
Dad said, "Some would argue adolescence is an art fact." Then he looked at me. He said, "An art fact is anything made by humans. Like tools, or-"
Mom used her loud voice. She said, "Until Stephanie graduates from college and gets a job, she's not an adult."
Some people don't believe I'm older. When we moved in this house a girl came in our yard. Holly. Me and Steffi were digging to India because Steffi said it is better than China.
Holly said, "Hi."
Steffi and me both said, "Hi."
I . . . don’t get it.
Perhaps a query letter would help me place this, but—either way—text needs to stand alone.
As I read, I thought this was maybe literary fiction told from the POV of a child or a disabled character, for example, a nontraditional storytelling format—which could work, of course. (Or MG, but it’s not evocative or fast-paced enough for MG.)
I don’t see why you would want to try anything like this in women’s fiction.
Considering I’ve no idea why you would want to write it in this format—or write something so uninteresting (at least to someone who cannot place themselves in the story beyond what we’re given on the page)—I can’t say anything more.
You’re starting in the wrong place.
This is jumpy, like a screenplay.
It doesn’t evoke a world, a setting, a story . . .
Feel free to email me with questions afterward.