TITLE: Amid the Alien Corn
GENRE: Commercial Fiction
The bus stopped in the middle of the woods. She clutched her Russian phrasebook to her chest as if it held her heart in, and searched for a sign that this was where she would find her baby. While trying to dispel the hummingbird's wings in her chest, she descended the wide, dusty steps of the bus -- against which her white sneaker was nearly aglow. Outside, rows of trees that resembled prison bars obstructed a simple white-washed house.
A dark-haired man emerged with arms extended. “X-hello,” he said in a thick Russian accent. “Welcome to Detski Dom.”
Ten children stood in line facing a rusty jungle-gym, like little soldiers awaiting their orders. She hoped her smile hid the trembling of her lips as she went down the line. A girl whose smile was framed with baby fat, a boy whose freckles were washed in meandering tracks of sweat. Next, a beauty -- with messy auburn ringlets and winking dimples.
But her attention was riveted on another girl. She was slim and taller than the rest, with long blonde hair knotted from sleep. She had chiseled features, tender pale skin, and brooding sage eyes. Unlike the others with strained smiles, this girl's lips were down-turned. Her mind was elsewhere, perhaps suffering. This girl needed something; on her face was a call for help.
Was this the long-awaited sign?
She spoke the foreign, well-rehearsed phrase: “Kak va zavoot?”
To her surprise, the girl answered in deeply-accented English. “My name is Lena.”
Wow - I am instantly interested in this, particularly after that last line.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice would be to make sure your sentences flow, I found some a little choppy, but the story is great so far! I am really interested in it.
Thanks!
The fact that you start with "she" before we get a name left me a bit disoriented. Even something like "the girl" or "the woman" would have helped.
ReplyDeleteI loved the image of clutching the phrasebook as if to hold her heart in.
There were times I wasn't exactly clear on the setting but overall I liked where this was going and would read further.
Love the title!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence stopped me cold. I wondered how do you even drive a bus in the woods? It's obvious this bus is on a road, but not until after you read the next sentence, so perhaps rephrase it or start differently?
I also wondered, of all the things you could describe in this scene, you describe her white sneaker? Considering the locale, it might serve you better to describe where she is a bit more to set us firmly in the scene, give us a sense of the exotic.
Overall, I don't think the first paragraph works, but it did get better after that, and it was the last line that drew me in. All Lena does is tell us her name, but for me, it stood out from all the rest of it and drew me right in. I thought there was more in those last two paragraphs than the rest of the piece combined. Perhaps consider starting closer to that point. You don't really have to show her arrive. Maybe start with her looking the kids over and adding a bit of description here and there to give a sense of place?
I do think you have something here, although it's not quite there yet. I'd read more.
RE: title—“Alien” makes me think of the icky creatures from outer space. I don’t like aliens in 99.9% of the cases. I hope that this book isn’t about aliens. [If you’re talking the adjective “alien,” use a different adjective—really. :-)]
ReplyDeleteThe text:
The bus stopped in the middle of the woods. She clutched her Russian phrasebook to her chest as if it held her heart in, and searched for a sign that this was where she would find her baby.
“as if it held her heart in” --> “as if it could hold her heart in”
No comma.
Can you be more specific about the signs that this woman is looking for? The way the sentence reads right now makes it seem that she doesn’t know what she’s looking for—as if she doesn’t know what the signs could be—which is probably not true.
I think it would also help to hint at the setting in that first sentence—hint that there is a bit of civilzation here and that the bus isn’t driving among wild trees.
While trying to dispel the hummingbird's wings in her chest, she descended the wide, dusty steps of the bus -- against which her white sneaker was nearly aglow.
Her white sneaker was nearly aglow against the bus? Or the steps? It could be either here with the way you’ve written it—move the phrase to right after “steps” if that’s what you meant.
Also, that is the weirdest thing ever to describe.
It’s clear—from the phrasebook—that she is in Russia, so can you give us a one brief descriptor that characterizes this place, this country?
Outside, rows of trees that resembled prison bars obstructed a simple white-washed house.
You can make this read clearer: “Outside, rows of trees resembled prison bars as they obstructed a simple white-washed house.” Immediately, the metaphor is stronger.
A dark-haired man emerged with arms extended. “X-hello,” he said in a thick Russian accent. “Welcome to Detski Dom.”
Good.
Ten children stood in line facing a rusty jungle-gym, like little soldiers awaiting their orders.
Again, this could read clearer: “Ten children faced a rusty jungle-gym.”
(I pass a lot on solid writing because of little things like this—the writer has to demonstrate to me that s/he can write clean, effective sentences.)
She hoped her smile hid the trembling of her lips as she went down the line. A girl whose smile was framed with baby fat, a boy whose freckles were washed in meandering tracks of sweat. Next, a beauty -- with messy auburn ringlets and winking dimples.
Very nice! I really like this paragraph.
But her attention was riveted on another girl. She was slim and taller than the rest, with long blonde hair knotted from sleep. She had chiseled features, tender pale skin, and brooding sage eyes. Unlike the others with strained smiles, this girl's lips were down-turned. Her mind was elsewhere, perhaps suffering. This girl needed something; on her face was a call for help.
LOVE this! Excellent writing.
Was this the long-awaited sign?
She spoke the foreign, well-rehearsed phrase: “Kak va zavoot?”
To her surprise, the girl answered in deeply-accented English. “My name is Lena.”
Wonderful!
I am hooked, particularly by those last few lines, despite the few instances in which your sentences could be streamlined to read more effectively. I really like the writing and the imagery. I think that this woman’s quest comes alive, as do the setting and the children, right at the end.
Would keep reading!
I admit, I'm curious about the title. I expect it'd be explained, but right now I'm thinking either genre or literary fiction, and yours is commercial. Hm.
ReplyDeleteI found myself wanting more sensory information. Your character gets off a bus (does it rattle or run smoothly?) in the middle of the woods (are there birds singing or is it oddly silent?). Why does she look down at her sneaker and notice how clean it is? Is everything else dirty?
I'm not sure what the "X-hello" is meant to imply. Did the dark-haired man start to speak in Russian? If so, and he was going to say Zdrasvitya (bad Romanization alert!), I'd suggest using Z instead.
I didn't get a sense of connection between actions. How did she get to where the children are lined up? Were they waiting? Could she see them from the bus? Are they facing her -through- the jungle gym like another set of prison bars?
"On her face was a call for help" is a very awkard phrase, and I'm not sure it's needed. You've already proven that Lena is different enough that she stands out. I am intrigued by the fact that she answers in English.
A good start that just needs some polishing up. :)
Great start! I'm intrigued by this opening and would definitely keep reading--especially given the ending paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph sounded a bit forced to me, and I didn't get the white-sneaker-aglow comment. I liked the image of the trees resembling prison bars, but I think there's a better word than "obstructed" to use.
The descriptions of the children are lovely, beautifully written, and I'm very eager to find out if Lena is "her baby," and what exactly "her baby" is in this story!
Good going!!
Fantastic premise. Great description. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with Leah, I don't think you should start with "She." I would read stronger if we knew who she was.
The opening seemed a bit abrupt - as if I am jumping in at the middle of the story. Other than that, I would definitely read more!
ReplyDelete