TITLE: The Sweet Spot
GENRE: YA
They call it the sweet spot of the bat, the perfect place for the ball to make contact to allow as little vibration as possible, almost always ending in a line drive or home run. I found that spot in my last game, the one before my world turned upside down. The one before I started to question who I was. The one where I was just a grungy ball player named Sam.
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The smirk on the pitcher's face told me he was one of those guys who didn't think a girl should be playing on the boy's team. He went into a slow wind-up, making a big show of the ease at which he would get me out. I bit my lip and focused.
The ball came in. I judged the timing and location of my swing, then swung low.
"Strike!" the umpire yelled. Coach called time.
"Sam, what was that?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I tried to sound innocent, but I couldn't hide the grin. I eyed the pitcher. He looked gleeful, smug. I might have to slam the next one right at his...
"Are you listening to me?" Coach asked. His large face reddened. "Stop fooling around and play ball."
"Okay, Coach," I said.
"And Samantha, you hit this guy with the ball, you're benched for the rest of the game."
I sighed and moved back to the plate.
I'm not one for sports stories usually, but this one drew me in. I liked the initial few lines that discussed the concept of the "sweet spot" and that sort of mythical importance it has in a player's performance. Match that with a girl playing against some boys and I'm willing to keep reading!
ReplyDelete-Lauren Smith
Not my usual read, but you drew me in. I love the voice. Very well written. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening - the "sweet spot" and the explanation behind it. I think with a creative use of line spacing and such it can have a real powerhouse punch for the reader.
ReplyDeleteI also really like Sam - I am not sure how her life gets turned upside down, but I like her as a character, as a female character.
Good job!
Thanks!
I loved the voice right off the bat (grin). And the explanation and analogy of the sweet spot. I like Sam and the concept of the story. I'd want to keep reading to find out how her world is turned upside down. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteI liked the story--good job integrating action and dialogue at the beginning. I found this part of the second paragraph unwieldy and I had to read it slowly twice to get what you were saying. "ease at which he would get me out." Maybe you could say "He went into a slow windup, clearly thinking I would be an easy out" or something like that.
ReplyDelete(Not that my sentence is better, but maybe rework that a bit--it was hard to figure out.) Great job, though.
Very, very good voice! I honestly don't agree with the above me, I like it the way it's written now.
ReplyDeleteFantastic start!
I love the confidence of the character and your voice. A girl playing baseball in a boys' team? I'm sure it presents several challenges and I'm automatically in. In addition I want to know how her world is turn upside down..
ReplyDeleteWish I could read more.
I liked this except for one thing: I don't think a baseball coach would say "you hit this guy with the ball" because a pitcher would catch the ball before it hit him.
ReplyDeleteOTOH, even if it's unrealistic, it would be funny and give the MC an implied history if you changed this just a little. Move the sentences starting with "I eyed the pitcher" after "Okay, Coach," I said. Then you could pick up the coach's line like this:
"Okay, Coach," I said. I eyed the pitcher. He looked gleeful, smug. I might have to slam the next one right at his...
"And Samantha, you hit this guy in the nuts and you're benched for the rest of the game."
This way, you've increased the tension and added some humor, IMO.
Overall, I'm hooked.
I liked this all around. There were a couple of phrases that felt a little clunky to me, but given that you're writing in the first person, from the POV of a female, probably high-school age protagonist, "fixing" those might make the voice too adult.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the one place I would recommend a change is the piece about "the ease at which he would get me out" because it should be "the ease with which he would get me out" (or strike me out - she knows so much about baseball that it seems odd for her not to use the proper term).
To respond to the commenter above: I played baseball for seven years (grades 5-11) and adult softball for two, and I saw a pitcher hit with a ball on numerous occasions. One time it was a line drive that literally sent the coach (who was pitching in practice) to the ground. The idea that Sam could hit the pitcher intentionally, and hurt him, is realistic to me. I say that not to start an argument but just to confirm for the author that the scene works (at least for me).
I really like this. But I have a soft spot for tomboy stories. I would definitely turn the page, just to see if she listened to her coach or hit the pitcher.
ReplyDeleteYou pack so much in such a short amount of words. I get a sense of who this girl is, the world around her that she has to work against, and her passion for baseball.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start! If the rest of the book reads like this, i would keep reading :-)
Cute idea. Watch so you put the tag for the coach with what he/she says, not on a separate line.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a bit more description of people and setting would make this more powerful.
And how old is Samantha?
Good start...
I am surprised to say I was disappointed it is a girl instead of a boy. I love baseball and I liked it until then. It is well written.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and I love the premise. I don't play baseball (and I'm not familiar with some of the terms) so I'm a little confused as to some things that happened...
ReplyDeleteFor example, right after she hit strike, why did the Coach get made at her? From the words, I get the implication she tried to hit the guy - but you might have to show this at the same spot as 'The ball came in... swung low' -- the motive (to hit the guy) has to be around there somewhere.
Also, another line that confused me was 'the slow line-up, making a big show'... this might be a technical baseball thing though (maybe line ups aren't meant to be slow, which is why a slow one makes it clear that the pitcher thinks he can get her out easy?)
Other than that, it is tone and pitch perfect. I'd definitely read more.
The ease line was a bit off for me to. Maybe something more like:
ReplyDelete"...making a big show of how easy it was going to be to strike me out..."
Otherwise, great job!
I enjoyed this. I loved the twist that it was a girl playing on a boys team. I'm not into baseball too much, but it drew me in immediately. You have a very smooth way of writing. This excerpt has good tension and flow.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I really enjoyed the voice in this, and Sam's character is fabulous. One of the comments above mentions how a pitcher would catch a ball before it hit him...false. I've seen plenty a line drive hit a guy in the chest (or nuts). So, your setup is flawless there. Just a few minor things that I hope are clarified in the story.
ReplyDelete1. It's hard to aim a ball you are hitting right at a pitcher (it's hard enough to aim one over the fence, which is why there are so few home runs; a fence is a larger target).It all depends on the pitch, where the ball collides with the bat, etc. So I'm curious as to how Sam can have this reputation; obviously she's hit pitchers before. If this is truly YA, she must be in high school, and that's when pitchers start throwing fast. In little league, I'd accept the fact that she could aim her hit at the pitcher if the pitch was slow; in high school, not so much. So again, I hope there's an explanation for how she's so freakishly precise with her ball (precise enough that coach is right in saying she does it on purpose).
2. I went to a small high school. Girls still weren't allowed on the men's baseball team. Once you hit a certain age, at least in PA, girls play with girls, boys play with boys. So, I'm curious: is this girl-on-a-guys-team normal where you're from, or is Sam young enough to still be on the boys' team? If she's young enough, then this is MG not YA.
I ask only because young readers who play baseball will ask these questions, and as that's your target audience, you'll want to explain that ASAP. Maybe you do, though. This is only the first 250 words, after all. Good job.
I liked it and thought it worked pretty much as is. Perhaps cut the beginning paragraph about the sweet spot, because it reads basically like a back of the book blurb which readers will have already read.
ReplyDeleteIn the second paragraph, perhaps -
He went into a slow wide up, making a big show of how easily he'd strike me out.
I like, and appreciate, the fact that this is a girl on a boys' team, and that she is confident and capable. I'd read more.
RE: title—the title is fine, especially since it connects so well to your central “theme” or topic here, etc. It fits the YA genre, too.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
They call it the sweet spot of the bat, the perfect place for the ball to make contact to allow as little vibration as possible, almost always ending in a line drive or home run. I found that spot in my last game, the one before my world turned upside down. The one before I started to question who I was. The one where I was just a grungy ball player named Sam.
I like this.
I think that the first sentence can read more efficiently or clearly—i.e., “They call it the sweet spot of the bat, the perfect place for the ball to hit, with the least vibration—almost always ends in a line drive or home run.” I stumbled over a few phrases, that’s all.
The last sentence should be, “The one IN WHICH I was just a grungy ball player named Sam.”
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The smirk on the pitcher's face told me he was one of those guys who didn't think a girl should be playing on the boy's team. He went into a slow wind-up, making a big show of the ease at which he would get me out. I bit my lip and focused.
“Told” is a very weak verb—any way to rewrite the sentence to strengthen the meaning?
You can also get rid of the passive/awkward voice—“…those guys who doesn’t think a girl should play on the boy’s team.”
“Making” is a weak verb, too—any way to restructure the sentence to add more strength to it?
“At which” should be “with which.”
The ball came in. I judged the timing and location of my swing, then swung low.
"Strike!" the umpire yelled. Coach called time.
"Sam, what was that?" he asked.
"What do you mean?" I tried to sound innocent, but I couldn't hide the grin. I eyed the pitcher. He looked gleeful, smug. I might have to slam the next one right at his...
The first part of this is great.
Nit-picky things:
Show that the pitcher looks gleeful, smug—does he have his arms crossed casually? Or what?
That last sentence shouldn’t end in ellipses but should end with an em-dash.
"Are you listening to me?" Coach asked. His large face reddened. "Stop fooling around and play ball."
"Okay, Coach," I said.
"And Samantha, you hit this guy with the ball, you're benched for the rest of the game."
I sighed and moved back to the plate.
More nit-picky things:
“His large face reddened” is cliché—I would prefer one or two details SPECIFIC to this guy (or more specific, I guess) to place his anger. (Also, the reaction is kind of melodramatic—it might be worth it to tone it down a notch.)
Cut “I said.” It’s clear who’s speaking.
Overall, I’m intrigued, but it seems as if the novel definitely could use a line edit, or someone with an eye for grammar, to look at it more closely. I’m usually not into sports stories, but I have a feeling that this will be interesting in a few ways—you have a girl character on a boys’ team (don’t see that often) and the first paragraph gives this text a literary kind of feel, which is good.
I don't know what I can add. I think this is well done. The first sentence could be more active. Maybe you could add a little heckling from the other team?
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
I really liked it, it made me laugh. My teenage daughter who is very well read was reading over my shoulder and she liked it too! One comment said you should change a word to "which" but I don't think a teen would talk that way, so I think your inner dialogue was spot on.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot! I like baseball stories and the fact that your character is a girl pulls me in even more. The title is great.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I have some comments:
They call it the sweet spot of the bat (snip) always ending in a line drive or home run.
I like this, but I think you can tighten it up. Also, hitting a ball in that sweet spot doesn't guarantee a good hit. So many other factors come into play, and I think anyone who knows baseball will ding you for this right away.
Additionally, I'm not sure this is the best way to start your novel, because there's no character yet. No tension. Nothing to really draw me in (unless I'm someone who will read anything having to do with baseball). I could be wrong on this, but I'd start with the character, not the information. Also, the whole "prologue" seems to set up a book-long flashback. How old is the character now? In YA, it's not a good idea to give the novel any sense of an adult looking back on her youth, because young readers don't want to be preached to. So watch out for that.
I found that spot in my last game, (snip) where I was just a grungy ball player named Sam.
All this foreshadowing of events in the story doesn't work for me, although I like the last ling about the grungy ballplayer (one word, not two). Additionally, I didn't get any impression that this character is a girl from the opening. Thus when I got to the part where you revealed it, it forced me to revamp my earlier impressions of the character. Not a good idea, IMO.
The smirk on the pitcher's face told me he was one of those guys who didn't think a girl should be playing on the boy's team.
I'm not sure a smirk would do that. Wouldn't the pitcher smirk at anyone he thought was an easy out? Maybe you could have some dialogue here, some nasty chatter from the parents in the stand, and then go into Sam's thoughts (keep it brief!) about why she's being picked on more than a guy might be.
The ball came in. I judged the timing and location of my swing, then swung low.
It's unclear to me whether she swung low intentionally, or whether her judgment was wrong. Intentionally tells me she's good and she's faking the pitcher out. Getting it wrong tells me she's a lousy hitter. With different motivations involved, I think you need to make it more clear.
"Sam, what was that?" he asked.
Can you add in some action here and get rid of the dialogue tag? Maybe stop your previous paragraph where the umpire calls strike, then have the coach walk--lumber, jog, stride, shuffle through the dusty clay with his hands in his pockets. Let the quality of his action say something about him and his attitude at the moment--out to the plate, then follow with his dialogue. This method is called an "action beat," where the character speaking does something, and that serves to identify the speaker as well.
"What do you mean?" I tried to sound innocent, but I couldn't hide the grin.
The strikes me almost as a point-of-view slip. She can't see her own grin. It's not bad, but you might want to go with actual sensations instead.
I eyed the pitcher. He looked gleeful, smug. I might have to slam the next one right at his...
What is he doing that makes him look smug? And why is she looking at the pitcher rather than at her coach? I do like the deep POV narrative, though. (Sam's thoughts.)
(to be continued)