TITLE: The League of Rogues
GENRE: Regency Romance
In a secluded room of a Gentleman's Club on Berkeley Street, a meeting was taking place between five men. To a casual observer they appeared to be nothing more than a dedicated band of friends who met during their studies at Cambridge, but these men of power and influence had a deeper bond.
Many years ago their enemies had dubbed them as "The League of Rogues" and the five men took the name with wicked delight. Each month, the League of Rogues met at their reserved room in the club to catch up on gossip, rile each other with threats of marriages and other activities that were often dubious in nature.
At that moment two of these rogues were engaged in a game of Ecarte, while another pair watched and betted on the game, the fifth member had not yet arrived.
"Charles...you did say Godric was coming," Lord Ashton Lennox, one of the two card players asked the other. As always, he was concerned with the matters of the other members. Godric's absence was unusual and Ashton was prone to worry where Godric was concerned. Godric was
the most volatile in temper of the league. Ashton was a thirty-three year old Baron with ash blond hair and blue eyes that could sparkle with delight or frost with displeasure.
A wonderful beginning to a regency romance! I love the comradeship of the lords and the way that they are so relaxed with each other, so friendly.
ReplyDeleteI like the hierarchy and the distinction between them and their names, of course.
Cannot wait to read the rest!
Thanks! :D
I like this story.
ReplyDeleteI have some fine tuning for you to consider:
In the beginning you say five were having a meeting and later you say one hasn't shown up yet, a minor descrepancy easily fixed by changing five to four in the beginning.
The last sentence was an inopportune moment to introduce Lord Ashton's physical features, since it wasn't prompted by anything. I'd stow it for a little later, perhaps from the viewpoint of some lovely heroine.
So if you drop the looks for now, you'd have space for an inciting remark. Lord Ashton reflects how Godric could get himself killed because .... or some such.
Best of luck
This didn't pull me in. The first three paragraphs feel like an info dump to me, and the last is a description of a man.
ReplyDeleteNothing comes out as to why these men are there. What is their purpose or intent? Which of them will be the MC? Lord Ashton gets the starring role so far, but I'm thinking the missing Godric will be the MC.
Rather than all the backstory, perhaps get right into the action. We can learn from actions and conversation that these men are rogues while they're acting and talking like rogues.
The first couple of paragraphs read more like a synopsis than the beginning of a novel to me. There's not much to draw me in, which is odd, considering the premise is something I would normally be quite interested in. I'd rather see the information come out through conversation between the members of the "club" rather than in a neat little package that gets everything out of the way upfront and leaves little to no mystery.
ReplyDeleteYou have an engaging voice, but without a clear MC, it's difficult to connect to the story. Also, there are too much backstory.
ReplyDeleteStill, I would read a few more pages to see where this is going.
I'm very interested in learning more about the League of Rogues and suspect their agenda could include all kinds of interesting plot twists in this novel. However, I agree that the sentence describing Ashton's looks doesn't add to the scene and, in fact, starts dissipating the tension created by the missing member, which could be built up to carry the reader forward.
ReplyDeleteI don't read Regency romances, so I may be off-base. But I do like the writing and the scene you've set up.
Their deep bond is ... catching up on gossip? If there's more to it than gossip, need a somewhat broader hint. If they're just meeting to gossip and play cards, I'm surprised it's not more often than once a month.
ReplyDeleteSome punctuation and grammar issues ...
I like the idea of a League of Rogues. :) But the first three paragraphs are an infodump. What if you started with the men actually playing, and then sprinkle all the information from the first three paragraphs throughout the scene as they interact?
ReplyDeleteRE: the title—I like it, and it definitely fits the Regency romance genre.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
In a secluded room of a Gentleman's Club on Berkeley Street, a meeting was taking place between five men. To a casual observer they appeared to be nothing more than a dedicated band of friends who met during their studies at Cambridge, but these men of power and influence had a deeper bond.
This is a weak way to open—you’re telling versus showing that they look like friends, and would be much better for you to engage us more directly in this scene, even if we are never going to see all of these characters together like this again. You’re telling us that they have a deeper bond—dialogue and actions (clapping each other on the back, etc.) will do it better.
Many years ago their enemies had dubbed them as "The League of Rogues" and the five men took the name with wicked delight. Each month, the League of Rogues met at their reserved room in the club to catch up on gossip, rile each other with threats of marriages and other activities that were often dubious in nature.
I think it would be interesting and effective—obviously I don’t know if it would work, but just thinking about the different possibilities—if you got into the bulk of this discussion, showed what we needed to know, etc., and then ended the scene with a sentence that said something like, “There was reason their enemies had dubbed them The League of Rogues,” I would be more hooked than you just simply spilling the beans without appropriately leading up to it.
At that moment two of these rogues were engaged in a game of Ecarte, while another pair watched and betted on the game, the fifth member had not yet arrived.
Start here, perhaps, and SHOW us these men, how they sit and interact with each other, etc. Create a greater sense of mystery.
"Charles...you did say Godric was coming," Lord Ashton Lennox, one of the two card players asked the other. As always, he was concerned with the matters of the other members. Godric's absence was unusual and Ashton was prone to worry where Godric was concerned. Godric was the most volatile in temper of the league. Ashton was a thirty-three year old Baron with ash blond hair and blue eyes that could sparkle with delight or frost with displeasure.
The first part of dialogue isn’t a question, so “asked” is the wrong tag.
You don’t need that second sentence because it’s obvious via the dialogue; show an expression on Lennox’s part, for example, if you want to make sure we get his character.
Everything else in that paragraph is tell not show (except for the physical details, which are irrelevant), and I’m still not sure why it’s important or urgent that we know what’s going on here. There is nothing about the voice or the narration here that engages me.
I like the writing, but the first three paragraphs are backstory and the fourth is all telling. I think there's a better place to start the story. You seem to have created an interesting world and characters, but they're not displayed at their best here.
ReplyDelete