TITLE: Minus Me & You
GENRE: Women's Fiction
“Mom!” Grace yelled down the hall impatiently, “Why in the heck did you save all this stuff?”
June Parker approached her daughter's old bedroom and calmly answered, “I saved it all because I knew you'd want it one day.”
Grace surveyed the room crowded with hefty storage totes, an empty bed frame and an old dresser. Her whole childhood was contained in those totes, carefully separated into categories of artwork, report cards, awards, and pictures. Preserved memories hidden away in the attic, waiting for someone to care.
“Any chance you want to take it with you?”
June rolled her eyes and sighed.
“If you don't want it then throw it away. But I really think you should at least go through it first. You never know what you might find.” She said before walking out.
“That's what I'm afraid of.” Grace said quietly to herself.
She sat herself down in the middle of three big totes, feeling like she did as a child when she and her brother would build fortes out of anything handy. Why is it children like to feel boxed in, she wondered.
Avoiding items that looked like letters or pictures she began by sorting through a container of favorite toys and dolls. After saving only one cherished teddy bear, she moved onto awards and report cards. Elementary track and field ribbons could go, state finalist track and basketball trophies she'd keep. This wasn't too bad, she reasoned.
Cool title. Also, I love the line, "Why is it children love to feel boxed in."
ReplyDeleteI can tell there's something she's avoiding / doesn't want to find, and I think that's compelling and could potentially lead to some tension on the second page - which would be a good thing, as we need some tension to draw us forward.
Be careful of grammar / spelling. Check "fortes" - should be "forts" and there is a comma needed (not period) before, "she said before walking out." A few other places where I saw commas missing as well.
Last note, I'd drop the word "impatiently" from the first line. Since she yelled, we can assume it was impatient.
Clear and easy to read. The scene is painted well and I could picture Grace and her mom in this very typical situation for young adults who've moved out of their childhood home.
ReplyDeleteWhat's missing for me is any idea of what this story will be about, what the MC's challenge will be. Right now it looks like it'll be about a woman sorting her old stuff, but I suspect it's far more than that. So I wonder if you're starting the writing too far before the actual story starts? Because the writing is clearly skillful.
I agree that we need a sense of the conflict. Is Grace going away to college? Moving to the big city? Has someone died? You're obviously a great writer. I think even one line as to the problem would help with this issue. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the way this flows - I wasn't sure at first, but by the time June rolled her eyes, I was in the rhythm of it and I enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Ditto the other comments and nicely written.
ReplyDeleteI have some pickies:
The POV seemed confusing to me. I think you're in both heads and maybe you want that.
You can drop she wondered, since she is wondering, but either way is okay.
Consider changing: This wasn't too bad she reasoned. with Choosing what to keep wasn't so painful. (the she reasoned is unnecessary, since we're in her thoughts and we know she's reasoning.
I'd be hooked if I knew the conflict, so I'd read on a little further to find out.
I thought Grace was a child (teen) until she thought back to when she was a child, and after that, I couldn't place if she was a grown woman or maybe a kid just out of college. It's also not clear until almost the end as to who's POV this is. I believe it's Grace's. And as others have said, there's no conflict. Right now it seems to be about a woman/girl afraid to face her past. Perhaps give us an idea of what it is in her past that she's afraid of.
ReplyDeleteSolid writing. I don't really get a good sense of the characters, but I like the way you sent the scene, and the dialogue reads naturally.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing a good job setting up the situation in which she finds something that rocks her world, but the voice sounds much more YA than Women's fiction to me. I really see Grace as seventeen or eighteen, and I'm pretty sure she's not supposed to be. FWIW.
ReplyDeleteThe comment above mine voiced my main concern. After I read this excerpt, I rechecked the genre because I got the sense Grace was, at most, just past her teens.
ReplyDeleteMaybe since I read mostly literary, I have no problem with the first page not making clear the conflict. I like this set-up. I like the bit of tension, knowing she's going to find something in these boxes she would rather not.
I'm hooked.
I agree with the other posts. The POV is a little off, especially on the line.
ReplyDelete"Why is it children like to feel boxed in, she wondered."
I like that you leave the reader wondering what the MC wants to avoid in the boxes.
People keep telling me that the first paragraph is the most important one in the entire ms. You have to have conflict, action, and something to keep the interest of the reader. A mild conversation isn't exactly explosive. But I can see where it would fit in Women's Fiction.
Good job!
I've been in exactly this situation, so I can empathize with Grace. :) But this would be more compelling if there were some sensory details and hints of emotion from the point of view character (that's Grace, right? at first it seemed like we were in the mother's, but then the mother leaves). How does Grace feel about the fact that her mother seems to have saved it all? Is there a part of her that's eager to see what's in there? Is she resentful that she now has to sort through it? Does she dread what she might find there?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wasn't sure who was saying "Any chance you want to take it with you?" At first it seemed like the mother, but then the mother rolls her eyes and sighs.
RE: the title—LOVE IT. Def. a women’s fiction or romance title; fits the genre. Would definitely pick up the book based on the title alone, and I think there’s a lot of potential for a cool cover. Best title so far, possibly. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
“Mom!” Grace yelled down the hall impatiently, “Why in the heck did you save all this stuff?”
You can convey impatience in dialogue.
I would have said: “Mom, why in the heck did you save all this stuff?” (This is an example of how much you can do with dialogue—work with all of your options and be careful with adverbs.)
Boom.
June Parker approached her daughter's old bedroom and calmly answered, “I saved it all because I knew you'd want it one day.”
You will definitely have to go through the entire manuscript and get rid of adverbs and dialogue tags and better use actions to show movement and emotion.
I would have said: June Parker approached her daughter’s old bedroom and shifted her weight to her right foot, a grin on her lips. “I knew you’d want it one day.” (It’s a suggestion only, but it’s stronger—the calmness and relaxation comes through on the page. “Calmly” means nothing and words like that should be used only when there is nothing else you can do, only when descriptions will bog down the text.)
Grace surveyed the room crowded with hefty storage totes, an empty bed frame and an old dresser. Her whole childhood was contained in those totes, carefully separated into categories of artwork, report cards, awards, and pictures. Preserved memories hidden away in the attic, waiting for someone to care.
I think it’s fair to assume that this is a room, so cut “the room crowded with”—“…surveyed the hefty storage totes, empty bed frame and old dresser.” Cut “carefully.”
“Any chance you want to take it with you?”
June rolled her eyes and sighed.
“If you don't want it then throw it away. But I really think you should at least go through it first. You never know what you might find.” She said before walking out.
The first two lines—great.
That last miniature paragraph needs a little bit more placement. I want to see how June says this—is it stern or is it suggestive in that soft, typical motherly way? Then make the walking out a bigger deal than it is, because it’s important that she leaves, especially considering the next thing that is said.
Here’s an example: “If you don’t want it, throw it away.” June steps into the room, picks up a teddy bear, and runs her fingers over the soft fur. “But I really think you should at least through it first. You know what you might find.” She smiles and heads toward the door, leaving the teddy bear on the dresser before she’s back in the hallway and gone.
That example tells us a lot about the characters and shows, via action, why June’s suggestion is important and kind and considerate.
“That's what I'm afraid of.” Grace said quietly to herself.
Period should be a comma, if you keep the tag, but I don’t think the tag is necessary since you establish that June leaves the room, which means that Grace is speaking with herself and we can assume she says it quiet enough for her mom not to hear because of the nature of what she says.
To be continued . . .
She sat herself down in the middle of three big totes, feeling like she did as a child when she and her brother would build fortes out of anything handy. Why is it children like to feel boxed in, she wondered.
ReplyDelete“Feeling” is a weak verb.
Last sentence should be: Why is it children like to feel boxed in? Italics make it clear that she’s wondering because that’s an internalization.
Either here—or the paragraph below—we need to get a better sense of what’s going on and we need to get a better sense of tension, otherwise this is the imperfect place to start.
Avoiding items that looked like letters or pictures she began by sorting through a container of favorite toys and dolls. After saving only one cherished teddy bear, she moved onto awards and report cards. Elementary track and field ribbons could go, state finalist track and basketball trophies she'd keep. This wasn't too bad, she reasoned.
This could use some reorganization. I’d start with “She began to sort through a container of favorite toys and dolls.” Then tell us that she avoids—and why, maybe. Or show that she’s uncomfortable, or whatever it is. The rest of the paragraph is great—it moves fast, etc.
I’m not hooked. I’m not sure how this is women’s fiction; reads more like YA so far. I think the writing in general needs to be cleaned up to read more efficiently and it can be more effective. I wouldn’t have stopped reading since I want to know how it connects—to see if it does—but I’m not actively hooked, per se.
She sat herself down in the middle of three big totes, feeling like she did as a child when she and her brother would build fortes out of anything handy. Why is it children like to feel boxed in, she wondered.
ReplyDelete“Feeling” is a weak verb.
Last sentence should be: Why is it children like to feel boxed in? Italics make it clear that she’s wondering because that’s an internalization.
Either here—or the paragraph below—we need to get a better sense of what’s going on and we need to get a better sense of tension, otherwise this is the imperfect place to start.
Avoiding items that looked like letters or pictures she began by sorting through a container of favorite toys and dolls. After saving only one cherished teddy bear, she moved onto awards and report cards. Elementary track and field ribbons could go, state finalist track and basketball trophies she'd keep. This wasn't too bad, she reasoned.
This could use some reorganization. I’d start with “She began to sort through a container of favorite toys and dolls.” Then tell us that she avoids—and why, maybe. Or show that she’s uncomfortable, or whatever it is. The rest of the paragraph is great—it moves fast, etc.
I’m not hooked. I’m not sure how this is women’s fiction; reads more like YA so far. I think the writing in general needs to be cleaned up to read more efficiently and it can be more effective. I wouldn’t have stopped reading since I want to know how it connects—to see if it does—but I’m not actively hooked, per se.
Hmm, I was sure I'd left a comment on this entry, but I must have done something wrong.
ReplyDeleteIt seems a bit redundant now that the secret agent has given you such extensive feedback, but the main gist was this:
You do a good job showing us that there's something she wants to avoid in the letters or pictures, but the last line killed the tension for me. If it's not so bad, what do we have? A kid who is sorting through stuff in her room. I'm guessing it takes a turn for the worse within a line or two, but I'm not super hooked from this excerpt alone.