TITLE: LOUISIANA MONEY MOUTH AND KATRINA'S BIG BLOW
GENRE: THRILLER
The humidity hung like a noose around Arlen Phelp's sweat-stained collar. Just below him, cars packed with heartbreak and panic jammed the interstate. Arlen had a cell phone to his ear.
"Johnny, it'll be blowing before you get near a pump."
"Then hold my place in line," Johnny said over the phone.
Arlen glanced at the gas starved motorists behind him. His lips thinned with pain. The improvised bandage was too loose. Sweat was dripping into the bullet wound.
"They got a cop here, Johnny. Limit's twenty gallons per customer. Youâ're not getting fuel before she hits."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" Johnny said. "This damn thing came up out of nowhere."
Arlen frowned. Like everyone else around New Orleans, Johnny had expected Katrina's path to shift, hurricanes always did. Only this storm didn't jog and Katrina's fury was coming to the Big Easy. Nobody was ready.
A woman and child walked through the police barricades on the interstate's exit ramp. Arlen watched them head toward the gas station where he stood. The woman had a red gas can cradled under her arm like an out of fashion purse. She was pulling along a girl with sandy hair and freckles. The child was exhausted, an anchor with two legs.
I love "an anchor with two legs."
ReplyDeleteYou got me interested. I'm hooked. I'm wondering why there is a bullet wound...this is only a hurricane. So, nice doling out of information.
I like the first image of cars packed with panic.
LOve the images - the cars in a panic, the girl a two-legged anchor, the sweat and the anxiety - well done!
ReplyDeleteI was so confused at the beginning though - going from bullet hole to Katrina, but I like the twist!
Thanks!
This is really great and as a resident of hurricane alley, it's super-accurate! Nice work.
ReplyDeleteBut I esp. love the description of the woman with the "out of fashion purse" and the "anchor" w/sandy hair and freckles.
good stuff--I'd love to read more~
best of luck! :o)
P.S.
ReplyDeleteLove the injection of something *completely* different w/the bullet wound/police. This is going places~
I really liked it--I always wonder how much people know about this (being from Houston and seeing some modicum of what people went through) so in a query I'd include your familiarity with the events.
ReplyDeleteHow are the peeps in line planning to get 20 gallons into a gas can they're carrying?
Good point about the walks ups. People would usually bring more than one can and take all they could carry, but the woman in this story only had one. I do remember that the "walk-ups" were heavily frowned upon by those who were waiting in line in vehicles. The scum of the no gas world.
ReplyDeleteOK, it's probably just that I'm immature but putting Mouth and Big Blow in the title made me think of... well, anyway, it set my internal immature boy snickering. If you're not going for the innuendo, you might want to look at that again.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I thought this was very well done. Good choice of details and a nice pace. I know what's going on and who's there right off the bat. And I love the casual drop-in of the bullet wound.
RE: the title—it’s long, convoluted almost, and not reflective of thrillers, so I think you should probably find something more suitable. (And I’m with Leah, too!) :-)
ReplyDeleteAbout the text:
The humidity hung like a noose around Arlen Phelp's sweat-stained collar. Just below him, cars packed with heartbreak and panic jammed the interstate. Arlen had a cell phone to his ear.
Somewhere in these two sentences you need to give me a better idea of where he’s standing—a bridge? The third sentence doesn’t flow from the one before it—I was jolted out of the text.
I love the image “packed with heartbreak and panic.”
"Johnny, it'll be blowing before you get near a pump."
Can you say “it’ll blow”?
"Then hold my place in line," Johnny said over the phone.
You can cut “Johnny said over the phone.” We know who’s speaking and that he says it over the phone.
Arlen glanced at the gas starved motorists behind him. His lips thinned with pain. The improvised bandage was too loose. Sweat was dripping into the bullet wound.
Not sure what Arien’s glancing at the gas-starved (you’re missing a dash) motorists behind him has to do with anything—again, I’m a bit jolted out of the text.
Otherwise, definitely intrigued by this bullet and the bandage.
"They got a cop here, Johnny. Limit's twenty gallons per customer. You're not getting fuel before she hits."
"Then what am I supposed to do?" Johnny said. "This damn thing came up out of nowhere."
Cut out “Johnny said”—not necessary.
Arlen frowned. Like everyone else around New Orleans, Johnny had expected Katrina's path to shift, hurricanes always did. Only this storm didn't jog and Katrina's fury was coming to the Big Easy. Nobody was ready.
Love the voice here!
The second comma should be a semi-colon.
And I’m even more intrigued about the bullet now—not to mention who Johnny is and why he’s talking with Arien (or, more importantly, why Arien is talking with him).
A woman and child walked through the police barricades on the interstate's exit ramp. Arlen watched them head toward the gas station where he stood. The woman had a red gas can cradled under her arm like an out of fashion purse. She was pulling along a girl with sandy hair and freckles. The child was exhausted, an anchor with two legs.
Absolutely LOVE the writing and the images here, particularly “an anchor with two legs.”
This is terrific. I’m definitely hooked—I’d keep on reading. There are a lot of elements going on here—the hurricane, the bullet, Johnny, what I think Arien is going to do (and the reason he’s spotted this woman and the child). Great writing.
Very well done! I felt the heat and the panic! I agree with the secret agent about the title ... it's a mouthful.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely want to read more...this is excellent!
I thought the story worked but you might want to rethink some of the similes and maybe give us a bit more of the weather so we feel it, perhaps see the storm building, getting closer. I could really feel the sense of urgency.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph was great. There, the similes worked wonderfully. I'd read more.
The title strikes me as potentially comedic. It doesn't seem to jive with the excerpt, but that's not enough to put me off.
ReplyDeleteYour voice is fantastic! You've given us tension right off the bat, with Arlen's bullet wound and the cop at the station. I'm wondering if he's a criminal caught up in the Katrina evacuation. I was wondering what would happen when the officer saw him, but on a second read, I guess he's not the one in the car. That needs to be clearer.
There were lots of walkers, as I recall, when people tried to get out of New Orleans, so unless these are the only two people on foot, I'm not sure why they're important. I trust that they're going to do something to make that clear in the next few pages, though.
Good job.