TITLE: Seeing Alex
GENRE: Women's Fiction w/Paranormal Elements
Starting over at any age sucks, but at forty it sucks the life out of you.
This thought danced around my brain on the six-hour drive to Bethany from Dallas. I second-guessed my decision for the ninety-ninth time, eying every exit ramp as a potential escape hatch. As we got closer to my home town, in a Ford Escort with no air conditioning and my sixteen-year-old daughter hanging her naked legs out the window to dry her pretty little coral toes, I felt the options slipping. One by one.
Not that I wasn't grateful to have a destination. My dad loves me, and he's never judged. But this time was no visit. It was the real deal, with bath towels and CD collections, and everything that would fit in a U-Haul trailer. My head started banging out a rhythm just thinking about it, but I knew it was the smart thing to do. Despite how many times I pushed reality aside, it kept waving at me. I had Riley to think about. I had to keep a roof over her head, and a small town like Bethany doesn't get touched by declining economies. We would be okay.
I glanced over at her, jamming with eyes closed to whatever her iPod was pumping into her head, and I prayed she wouldn't be tainted by association with me.
"So, when do we get to Podunk?" she asked after we passed Restin, the nearest big town.
Not big like high rises. Big like it has a Walmart.
The voice is great. I instantly felt like I wanted to spend more time with this person. I also understood her concerns and fears. (I'm turning 40 this year too.) I got the sense she was going to live with her dad, and not just in her hometown. If this is the case then perhaps a little something about how the house she grew up in smells, or looks, or something that uses the senses to remind her this isn't "home" for a visit but now for a life. "There was going to be no Thanksgiving turkey on the table, instead I was this year's turkey." Or obviously something a little better than that. I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate with this character and the voice is great, although I'm trying to wrap my head around women's fiction with paramormal elements. I'm hoping that whatever she's done in the past (that her father doesn't judge her for), gives her the paramormal ability to win the lottery because no A/C in texas - seriously sucks. Kidding aside, you did a really nice job with this opening. I'd definitely be interested in reading more. Good luck!
ReplyDelete"I second-guessed my decision for the ninety-ninth time" is a really sweet phrase. It also hints at a cleverness to this character that makes me want to know more about what happened to her - and suspect that the "starting over" has a very good justification.
ReplyDeleteI like the fact that she seems to have a good relationship with her father - it's so common to have the starting-over woman move in with people who have always judged, or disliked her. This is a fresh spin and an interesting one.
The tension between mother and daughter is nice, too, and even though the "kid who doesn't want to go to a small town" idea isn't unusual, it's honest and realistic so it doesn't feel cliche. Hopefully you continue to avoid that as the book continues.
The only real critique I would make is that you might want to consider combining a couple of the paragraphs. The clipped style is nice, but I think it reads a little too clipped in places. Other than that, though, this is great.
Very nice voice...I'd certainly keep reading. A couple of words didn't ring as true as the others - "danced around my brain". I get what you mean, but something about that phrase didn't flow as well as the rest of the lines.
ReplyDeleteAnd "my head started banging out a rhythm...". I didn't quite get that part. Other than those two things - and it's all subjective - I found the writing rather smooth and the story intriguing. Good work!
I loved this. The voice is great. I especially love the details you include and the ones you don't burden us with. Fantastic.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that tripped me up was the observation about small towns not being affected by economic downturns. In my experience it's quite the opposite.
Still, this was fantastic. The last two sentences are a killer.
Great opening sentence! It really caught my interest, and the rest of the opening gave me enough set-up that I was immediately engaged in the story -- and wanting to know the questions posed.
ReplyDeleteI loved picturing the daughter with her feet hanging out the window, but thought the word "danced" wasn't the best verb to describe a thought about having the life sucked out of you.
In the next paragraph, I wasn't sure what you meant by "the real deal" at first -- isn't a visit a real deal? I know what you're getting at, though.
Loved the mystery about her daughter being tainted by her, and the last paragraph made me hoot!
Very nice!
Thanks to Awesome Authoress for fixing the computer bot's attempt at my entry! LOL. It originally showed as single sentences instead of the paragraphs, and she put it back right. (for those who read the earlier version)
ReplyDeleteI like this! I think it is very evocative of the "great American dream" redone, and I like that it is a mother and her daughter - that dynamic is always a great pull (see: Gilmore Girls).
ReplyDeleteSome of the sentences are a tad cluttered, but I think in this case it works for the reader since the voice herself is a tad chaotic.
Also, I love your descriptions! Especially the exit ramps as escape hatches. Classic!
Thanks!
Glad I stopped back by. You can ignore my "clipped" comment earlier - apparently that was the formatting glitch. I liked this as much the second time as the first - even more with the paragraphs right!
ReplyDeleteFrom the first sentence to the last (minus some thoughts above especially small town economics) you beautifully crafted one sentence after another. All flowing. The inciting incident was right up front.
ReplyDeleteIf you have the space consider adding after coral toes, (and save my nose).
Very hooked
Loved the opening line and the closing line! But what I liked most was that your MC came across as intelligent, and not self-pitying. I felt like a could spend a whole novel with her.
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed the writing. Some clever turns of phrase, nothing overblown and flowery, although I agree about 'danced' around my brain. You need a heavier word there.
I liked that her realtionships seem to be intact. She gets along with her dad and her daughter and it didn't bother me at all that I don't know why she's moving back home, and usually it would. The quality of these few paragraphs makes me comfortable that you'll tell me the problem at the right time. Nicely done!
The first sentence was great. I immediately began trying to guess why she was starting over (divorce, lost job, foreclosure, etc) and wanted to keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteI felt as if Riley could've been more upset about moving to "Podunk", which always refers to a small town with nothing to do. However, she seems pretty content painting her nails and enjoying her iPod on the way to her new (boring?) life.
Overall, great rhythm with a story that is easily relatable!
After you get past the first paragraph (had to read it over three times) it gets going, and the writing is good. That's what drew me in the most - the ease of reading.
ReplyDeleteClean up the first para. I'm not going to offer any suggestions as from the rest of the post I can see you know what you're doing. Ford Escort can be deleted though. Just 'car' is sufficient for an opener. We just want to know names, the problem, and get into the scene.
I'd keep reading!
I love the voice here. The character seems instantly real and easy to connect with and that's very hard to do in only a few paragraphs. I would like to see a little more detail about why she's making the decision she's making, though--even if it's just a hint to make me keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like everything about this. If I picked this up in a store, I wouldn't just keep reading, I would buy it. I love the last line about Walmart. I've been to places that believe they're big because they have a Walmart.
ReplyDeleteExcellent - my only issue is the very first line, which is by far your weakest on this page. Even if it were just "Starting over sucks" it would be stronger - the longer sentence and the detail breaks the flow and suggest self-pity, which doesn't do your main character justice. (And those who started over past 40 won't have much sympathy for someone doing it at that age.) But I would absolutely be turning the page.
ReplyDeleteThis is terrific, from start to finish--and I am proof that it's all about personal opinion, b/c I loved the first line. I thought the "sucks/sucks the life out of you" was very catchy.
ReplyDeletealmost being 40, i can totally relate to the first line. and i LOVED IT. it made me chuckle and had a wonderful voice right in the first bang. excellent.
ReplyDeleteokay just read the rest, and i'm really impressed. the writing was perfect. great verb choices like the ipod pumping music into her kid's ears. loved everything about this and would hope the rest of the MS was just as smart!
Couldn't help commenting again. When I look at the first line I see a writer who worked on an original way of looking at things and crafted a line that sells her character and story. Your entire 250 shows the same care and your love for words and what they can do. Very few can sustain that throughout an entire manuscript, but if I were an agent, I wouldn't care. I'd know that if I found a weak paragraph or two, or a chapter needing rewrite, it would be so easy to work with you, they'd hardly have to say more than look at chapter x...
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is pretty close to perfect. It really demonstrates what agents mean when they say it's all about the writing. If you said to me 'Women's Fiction about a 40-year-old woman starting over' I wouldn't be interested. But this just captivated me.
ReplyDeleteThere were two things that made me pause. The coral toes - I assume you mean her toenails were painted coral? And I have to agree with Leah about small towns usually being more susceptible to downturns. That's just in my experience though, which certainly has not been in Texas, so I'm willing to give you that one.
Oh and I vote to keep Ford Escort. I was at a writing class a year or so ago and the author said it was details like this, i.e. writing Ford Escort instead of car, that really made a manuscript because Ford Escort tells us a lot more about the person than just car. I do get what Lia is saying about space on the first page being valuable, but given it will only save you a word and I think you've hooked everyone anyway, I'd keep it.
This was wonderful, I was completely sucked into it, and dying to read more. You do a great job of bringing the character's feelings and attitudes to life.
ReplyDeleteRE: title—I’d be wary of using adverbs in the title. Not to say it hasn’t been done before, but I think there’s likely something stronger.
ReplyDeleteAlso, thanks for the great genre categorization—helps me place this right off the bat.
As for the text—
Starting over at any age sucks, but at forty it sucks the life out of you.
I like this—immediately get a sense of voice.
This thought danced around my brain on the six-hour drive to Bethany from Dallas. I second-guessed my decision for the ninety-ninth time, eying every exit ramp as a potential escape hatch. As we got closer to my home town, in a Ford Escort with no air conditioning and my sixteen-year-old daughter hanging her naked legs out the window to dry her pretty little coral toes, I felt the options slipping. One by one.
This is terrific—great voice, great detail.
Not that I wasn't grateful to have a destination. My dad loves me, and he's never judged. But this time was no visit. It was the real deal, with bath towels and CD collections, and everything that would fit in a U-Haul trailer. My head started banging out a rhythm just thinking about it, but I knew it was the smart thing to do. Despite how many times I pushed reality aside, it kept waving at me. I had Riley to think about. I had to keep a roof over her head, and a small town like Bethany doesn't get touched by declining economies. We would be okay.
I’d change “banging” to “to bang,” if it fits with how you hear the sentence; also would change “how many” to “the number of.”
Otherwise, LOVE this—again, terrific, terrific voice.
I glanced over at her, jamming with eyes closed to whatever her iPod was pumping into her head, and I prayed she wouldn't be tainted by association with me.
"So, when do we get to Podunk?" she asked after we passed Restin, the nearest big town.
Not big like high rises. Big like it has a Walmart.
LOVE THIS. I’m salivating. Those last two sentences = terrific.
To say that I’m hooked is an understatement. Probably the best excerpt so far.
(Also, I see what Sara J. Henry is saying—the first sentence, in the end, gets the voice across to a degree, but later the voice has the most punch in short bursts of attitude, so there might be a benefit to making it more consistent. I thought it worked fine.)
Lovelovelove.
LOVE.
Love!
(Author) Wow...on so many levels. Thank you! I appreciate the time you take to do all these critiques...it's just amazing. I agree with the points you made on what needs fixing, and I'll incorporate them. On the LOVE...I am just in awe, you made my day, my week, my month...thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to Anonymous Author for winning! (I don't think you have to be anonymous anymore.)
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU!!!! Wow, I'm so overwhelmed and so excited. What awesome writers there were in this round! And some of my faves won as well, gotta go check out who they are now! LOL.
ReplyDelete