TITLE: Faerie Fate
GENRE: Paranormal romance
Holly Reed paced the hospital corridor outside room 532, uncertain if she wanted to enter and accept the consequences. On the other side of the door lay the grandmother she had never met, apparently in the last losing days of her battle with cancer.
An orderly rushed by pushing an empty wheelchair, giving her a quizzical look. Across the hall at the nurse's station they'd watched her for the last fifteen minutes as she bit her nails and traipsed back and forth in front of the door.
"Can I help you with something?" one of the nurses asked, suspicion in her voice.
"Uh, no," Holly said, surprised by the interruption. "I'm fine." She'd have to make a decision now. Either leave and spend the rest of her life wondering, or go in and find out why her grandmother had waited until she was on her deathbed to make her only granddaughter's acquaintance.
She took a deep calming breath, squared her shoulders, and adjusted her purse strap. She was going in.
The door was already ajar, so she leaned into it, swinging it inward on its hinges. She entered the room on silent feet to find an old woman resting peacefully in the bed. Rather than being enshrouded by tubes and needles and monitors, she wore her own robe and only one lead attached to her chest, hooked to a machine that showed a readout of her heart rate and blood pressure.
Tiny nitpicky point--a lead can't show blood pressure--my hubby's a doc and he's confirmed that for me. It could show heartrate, though.
ReplyDeleteYou say the same thing a few times at the beginning--you could probably cut a few and move your action forward faster. For instance you say, "Holly paced unsure if she wanted to enter. Then you say The nurses station had watched her for fifteen minutes (again showing she's uncertain about entering), and then you have a nurse asking her if she wants to go in. Then you have Holly say she has to make a decision--one we already know--stay or go. Then she says, "Either leave and spend her life wondering or go in and see why she wants to see her." You could condense that and your flow would be better.
General rule of writing--don't tell your readers the same thing over and over in different ways--we have short attention spans and we get bored! But your language is good and I liked it--I wanted to know why the grandma in a battle for life seemed peaceful. I wanted to know why she wasn't hooked up to IVs and medicine, and maybe a breathing machine if she's dying. I'm assuming either she's not really dying or she's so far gone she's turned down care--although if she's really close to death, I'd assume she'd be on (at least) IV pain killers!
I was okay with the repetition. It makes it feel like real-time. It didn't drag on too long. Also, I get the impression that maybe Gram isn't really on her deathbed, which would say a lot about her character.
ReplyDeleteI like it! I like the idea that this is all shrouded in mystery and maybe some sort of secret must be passed down! A great start!
ReplyDeleteThanks!
I was okay with the repetition, too. I thought it showed her hesitancy. But I did think the writing could be tightened up.
ReplyDeleteI'm not feeling very connected to your MC. She seems a name on the page. I was more interested in the grandmother who is facing a far graver issue and handling it much better than Holly is handling her situation.
I'd read more because I want to know what Granny's going to tell her. But if Granny dies, you'd have to do something to make Holly more real as a character to keep my interest, even if what Granny had to say was something incredible.
This is well-written and I'm intrigued by Grandma (the title helped- I'm a fae freak)but, I did feel you took a few too many words to get in the door. I'd cut the second sentence-let us wonder a little what the consequences are. And I don't think we need both the orderly and the nurses questioning. I'd cut the orderly. He's just ornamental adding to the hallway where you already said she was; the nurse exchange gives us more info. And I really "saw" those nurses clearly- so good job.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph hooked me--that's a great conflict. I would have liked a little more sensory detail (other than visual) and a hint at how Holly feels about the grandmother. Was it Holly's choice not to meet her grandmother until now, and if so, what emotion motivated that choice? I don't need to know the exact reason, just the glimmer of an emotion to hint at what's going on.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem a little weird that Holly would be aware that the nurses have been watching her for fifteen minutes but be surprised that one of them would approach her.
I'm definitely hooked by this opening and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what others have said about tightening up the writing. For example, I have a hard time picturing an orderly "rushing" with a wheelchair, yet bothering to give a visitor (which is a frequent sight in hospitals) a quizzical look.
I think the opening paragraph could also be tightened by deleting the reference to cancer (at this point we don't care what she's dying from). A more direct approach, like "On the other side of the door, the grandmother she had never met lay dying." (Well, you can do better than that, but that's the idea.)
But I'm definitely interested in reading more!
RE: title—can most definitely be stronger, and it doesn’t really hint at the romance (though definitely hints at the paranormal).
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
Holly Reed paced the hospital corridor outside room 532, uncertain if she wanted to enter and accept the consequences. On the other side of the door lay the grandmother she had never met, apparently in the last losing days of her battle with cancer.
This is okay—there isn’t a lot of oomph to this paragraph—to the opening line, etc. I think your second paragraph could be a bit more efficient—it’s kind of wordy. Overall, though, this is fine.
An orderly rushed by pushing an empty wheelchair, giving her a quizzical look. Across the hall at the nurse's station they'd watched her for the last fifteen minutes as she bit her nails and traipsed back and forth in front of the door.
Don’t use so many –ing words, as I call them. Show versus tell the quizzical look. You can cut out the “her” after “watched”. I think this would be more interesting and dynamic if you have Holly react in a way that is unique and specific to her—can she have a tic that isn’t cliché?
"Can I help you with something?" one of the nurses asked, suspicion in her voice.
Show versus tell the suspicion.
"Uh, no," Holly said, surprised by the interruption. "I'm fine." She'd have to make a decision now. Either leave and spend the rest of her life wondering, or go in and find out why her grandmother had waited until she was on her deathbed to make her only granddaughter's acquaintance.
How does Holly say it? Does she brush it off with a ignore-kind of gesture?
There also isn’t a transition between the dialogue and the thought(s) that follow afterward. Say, “she was concerned now” or “Holly went back to wondering” (or something like that; more effective).
She took a deep calming breath, squared her shoulders, and adjusted her purse strap. She was going in.
Deep breaths tend to be calming. The entire image of her calming herself, etc., is cliché.
The door was already ajar, so she leaned into it, swinging it inward on its hinges. She entered the room on silent feet to find an old woman resting peacefully in the bed. Rather than being enshrouded by tubes and needles and monitors, she wore her own robe and only one lead attached to her chest, hooked to a machine that showed a readout of her heart rate and blood pressure.
I think you can bring out one or two very evocative details in this paragraph about her grandmother—wouldn’t she first look at this woman’s face, seeing whether she recognized either of her parents? Or curious about that? Perhaps she hears the quiet beeping of the machine or something.
Overall, I’m just concerned that this is rather bland—I would keep reading, but I’m not hooked, per se. For me, there is nothing immediately engaging or evocative or tense about this scene.