TITLE: Courting Greta
GENRE: Contemporary fiction
If reclusive, crippled programmer Samuel Cooke can survive a year as a long-term sub, he knows it will give him the strength he needs to leave his abusive father for good. Then he meets butch basketball coach Greta Cassamajor and discovers mere survival isn't enough-- not when it comes to falling in love.
'Crippled' strikes me as an old-fashioned and unattractive word - can you think of something else. 'Butch' is also a bit off-putting. Not sure what you mean by sub, but am guessing substitute teacher. Anyway, it needs something more to make me want to read about a romance between two awkward types.
ReplyDeleteWhat is a long term sub? without that, don't understand what is going on.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't know what a long term sub is and I thought "butch" was unnecessary. What does that have to do with anything? And I don't really get what "survival isn't enough--not when it comes to love" is supposed to mean. It just makes me confused, not interested.
ReplyDeleteHasn't "crippled" become a bit derogatory? You might want a different word in there. I thought he was a sub in a programming company, but school sub makes more sense. Why did he get the job if he's reclusive?
ReplyDeleteI would substitute disabled for crippled, and I'm not sure what "butch" has to do with anything ... other than being a stereotype.
ReplyDeleteI think you could make his conflict clearer. I understand that he wants to be independent, but how will working for one year do that? After the year is up, won't he be without a job again? And sorry, I'm also not sure what "survival isn't enough--not when it comes to love" is supposed to mean.
I'm assuming "long-term sub" means long-term substitute teacher, especially once I read about the coach, but it could use clarification for sure. And being the mom of a child with Down syndrome, I agree with "crippled" and "butch"--very evocative, but definitely off-putting (like the "R" word applied to kids like my daughter). Unless that's the voice of the story. But even then, I'm not convinced it's the best choice.
ReplyDeleteI agree, a few words are off-putting, but I felt sorry for this guy. The "sub" made me pause too, and figured sub-teacher?
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the conflict here. If he's old enough to have a job, why hasn't he left his father before? "Strength" isn't really the type of thing that stops a person from something like this. You need to be specific. Does he need money? This is the only thing I can think of that connects the job with the result (leaving).
ReplyDeleteWe don't need Greta's full name or adjectives. Also, this part of the logline isn't connected to the beginning. How is meeting Greta going to help him leave his father?
unless you have someone say these words in dialouge to show what kind of person he/she is, i would avoid using them. it's off-putting to most, when i don't think that's what you're trying to do. disabled would be a better word, and maybe gruff instead of butch.
ReplyDeletebut it definitely sounds like a different type of romance, so you've got that angle down.
i'd read it out of curiousity.
I wouldn't use disabled, because that could mean a lot of things. Perhaps say exactly what it is that's made him crippled. Is he a paraplegic, Polio victim?
ReplyDeleteYou might also substitute courage for strength and that would let the reader know his fear is preventing him from leaving as opposed to not being able to support himself.
And I agree with Holly about the missing connection between the first sentence and the second. Does Greta help him find his courage?
Sam Cook was a famous R&B singer. You mihgt want to consider a change. Cassamajor, tells me you have fun with names as I do. (Major (on his) case, right?)
ReplyDeleteThese guys struggling and forced to live with parents is an attractive theme and certainly something the heroine would work on. I-don-know, is tomboy exceptable these days?
I'd read on.
Tough to sell a guy as a romantic hero if he's afraid to leave his father. Too weak, too passive. That's the most urgent fix here.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I think you need to clarify what a 'sub' is. After the mention of the basketball coach I'm guessing you mean a substitute teacher (as opposed to a subcontractor for example). If that's the case, I'd leave off the mention of him as a programmer as it has the potential to be confusing and left me wondering why he needs to spend a year as a sub when he already has a job.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is good and gives us a clear idea of what the story will be about.
I don't have much to add except I think the first sentence needs work. The second sentence "butch" isn't pc. Aggressive, tom-boyish, no-noncense could work. Is she a lesbian? He may not know.
ReplyDeleteA totally different type of love story.