TITLE: STRAPPED
GENRE: Christian Paranormal
"Can they get in here?" Carla whispered, with wide eyes and a face that appeared to change expressions in the soft flickering candlelight.
"I hope not," Dan replied, his breath floating out in white waves, cross-legged on the worn carpet and nervously looking around the circle.
"They can't," Paul lied, carefully chewing the partially frozen apple pie he had somewhat thawed out by the living room fireplace. He wanted to keep that fire going all night, but they'd see it for sure.
The snow covered farmhouse was deserted and drafty, caught in the frigid clutches of Iowa's snowiest winter in ninety-nine years. At least that's what Ed Wilson had said on the local news just a few days before all hell had broken loose. The nine-millimeter strapped to Paul's right leg was cold as ice but he couldn't feel it anymore. He would have to get them to warmer weather, and fast, because if the walking dead didn't get 'em, the freezing temps would.
Carla continued scanning the farmhouse's many windows while clutching her two young boys on the stained carpet. It made Paul paranoid. He knew what she was thinking and wished they were boarded up too, or at least had thicker curtains.
"Mom, are they gonna to eat us?" Mike asked.
"What? No sweetie, they're not going to eat us," she told him, rubbing his back.
"I don't wanna diiiiiiie!" Matt suddenly cried out too loud.
"Peanut, will you stop! You are not going to die.
Now, I am partial to a good apocalypse story - but I am so interested in finding out what happened with this! I mean, wow - the way you set it up!
ReplyDeleteYou're a tease! :)
Thanks!
I like what the characters are saying at the beginning of this but feel like I am a little lost on who they are. Each of the first three bits of actual talking are followed by a good bit of description that loses the urgency of what's being said for me. I'm certainly interested. I want to read more, and I know these are terribly short samples we provide, but perhaps a little more grounding of who what and when right out of the gate would help.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
Very interesting opening. This sounds like it could get very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it felt very choppy the way the structure of the first three sentences was exactly the same. And be careful about helping verbs. "continued scanning" would be stronger just "scanned." Also it seems to me that "cried out" is pretty much always too loud and that felt repetitious to me.
Other than that, this could go very well, I think.
This was an interesting excerpt, particularly in light of the listed genre. I don't think I've ever heard of a Christian zombie novel, and it's intriguing (though the theological integration will be interesting, not to say difficult, so I hope the author is highly familiar with the text of the Bible).
ReplyDeleteI agree with Leah that the helping verbs are distracting.
That said, several of the details are really nice. The partially frozen pie is an interesting character quirk, and makes me want to know more about Paul. Ditto the fact that he seems to know more about the zombies than the others.
I liked that you have only two Biblical character names and then used "Carla." Too often in Christian fiction, the character names read like a Who's Who of the Old Testament and overlook the fact that a lot of people don't have Biblical names - so major points for that.
The premise is interesting and the characters are too. Nice work!
The description is interesting, but I felt like I just dropped onto the scene. I am not a lover of starting a novel with dialogue. It threw me at first. No scene was set.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get intrigued until the very end, then I wanted to know more.
RE: title—good! I’m wondering, however, what a Christian paranormal reads like. I don’t think I’ve ever read one of those . . .
ReplyDeleteAs for the text:
"Can they get in here?" Carla whispered, with wide eyes and a face that appeared to change expressions in the soft flickering candlelight.
This is good—I’m not entirely persuaded that you need all of that description. The question poses a lot of tension, so the description almost stalls the progress of the story.
"I hope not," Dan replied, his breath floating out in white waves, cross-legged on the worn carpet and nervously looking around the circle.
Lots of newbie mistakes here—“cross-legged on the worn carpet” appears to modify “white waves,” which we both know it doesn’t. You’re also throwing new information at the reader—where is this circle? What is the circle?
What is already a bit more effective: “I hope not.” Dan’s breath floated out in white waves as he looked around the circle with a gaze that didn’t pause. (The goal is to be efficient and tense.)
"They can't," Paul lied, carefully chewing the partially frozen apple pie he had somewhat thawed out by the living room fireplace. He wanted to keep that fire going all night, but they'd see it for sure.
Notice that you have modified every single piece of dialogue from these characters in the exact same way—name, verb, phrase that tells us something about the character. Newbie mistakes! With this particular piece of dialogue, you can cut nearly everything—the fire is important, but you should separate that, make it a big deal.
The snow covered farmhouse was deserted and drafty, caught in the frigid clutches of Iowa's snowiest winter in ninety-nine years. At least that's what Ed Wilson had said on the local news just a few days before all hell had broken loose. The nine-millimeter strapped to Paul's right leg was cold as ice but he couldn't feel it anymore. He would have to get them to warmer weather, and fast, because if the walking dead didn't get 'em, the freezing temps would.
“frigid clutches” is almost redundant of “Iowa’s snowiest winter in ninety-nine years.”
“all hell had broken loose” --> “all hell broke loose”
The nine-millimeter on Paul’s leg doesn’t follow logically from what Ed Wilson said on the news.
Zombies? I don’t like them, but you do have lots of possibilities for tension here—keep at it. Tell us a little bit more, maybe.
Carla continued scanning the farmhouse's many windows while clutching her two young boys on the stained carpet. It made Paul paranoid. He knew what she was thinking and wished they were boarded up too, or at least had thicker curtains.
“scanning” --> “to scan”
I don’t get a sense of panic at all—it’s all told and observed. I want to see it. The clutching is a good start, but I want to see more—are they boys tucking their faces into their mother’s clothing, not wanting to look? What does her face look like? How does Paul demonstrate his paranoia?
"Mom, are they gonna to eat us?" Mike asked.
"What? No sweetie, they're not going to eat us," she told him, rubbing his back.
Give us a few more descriptors here—is Carla persuasive? How old is the boy? How serious of a question is it? How concerned is he?
"I don't wanna diiiiiiie!" Matt suddenly cried out too loud.
What is too loud? And just say “I don’t wanna die.” You don’t need to be grammatically incorrect—show us that he’s wailing or let us infer it from the dialogue.
"Peanut, will you stop! You are not going to die.
The first sentence is a question—“Peanut, will you stop?”
To be continued . . .
. . . continued:
ReplyDeleteI’m not hooked—not just because I don’t like zombies, if that’s what’s going on here. :-) This is pretty rough with a lot of newbie mistakes. I don’t feel any tension—you’re doing a lot of telling without bringing the tension and the paranoia in the scene alive.
I also don’t think that this is the best place for you to start.
If they’re going to make it alive—or without any problems—through this particular scene, there’s no reason for it to be in the novel (or, at the very least, the novel’s beginning). If something is going to happen, jump straight to that event—you can work in this scene (which can be summarized to a few words—“They had waited for the nightmare to begin”) later as background information.
I have honestly never heard of a Christian Paranormal. It seems like something of an oxymoron, but hey, they're looking for new stuff, right?
ReplyDeleteDialogue tags are good in moderation, but they're not required on every line. You can tell us a character's name when you give them an action just as easily.
Dan's breath appears to be sitting cross-legged on the floor. :) Be clear about separating actions.
I really like the paragraph that begins with "The snow-covered farmhouse". You've got good description there and some decent motivation to -do- something.
You're introducing a lot of characters in very little space, though, and I worry that with a cast this size I won't be able to keep track of them.
I have heard of Christian paranormal, but not with zombies. (Usually demons.) It does seem Biblically... challenging.
ReplyDeleteA few things jumped out at me right away with this piece. First, the opening dialogue with almost identical dialogue tags (as others have already pointed out), diminished the tension of the dialogue and set up a rhythm of the narration that bothered me. Try reading this out loud, and I'm sure you'll feel it. Action beats would help this to a degree. (An "action beat" is where you have the speaking character do something and drop of "so-and-so said." The action serves to identify the speaker.) Still, watch out for that annoying rhythm. Vary your sentence length to get rid of it.
Second, you've dropped us in a tense scene, but I don't know until several lines in who your point-of-view character is. I suggest starting with Paul. Set up the scene through his perception, perhaps tapping into one dominant emotion. (Keep that short. Short sentences and paragraphs serve to increase the feeling of tension in a narrative.) Look for details that will tell us something about Paul... something that will make us care about him.
Third, I'm old enough to remember the movie, Night of the Living Dead. This scene struck me as almost identical to a scene in that movie, where people are huddled in a farm house waiting for the zombies to break in and eat them. (It also reminds me of the movie Signs, which is the same scenario but with aliens instead of zombies, and a different way of killing people.) While zombies are zombies and maybe you can't get around the flesh-eating part (or maybe you can) I wonder if you can start your story somewhere else? It all just feels a little cliche.
Hope this helps!