TITLE: Magic
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
The cab came to a screeching halt. Alys lurched forward in the backseat and dropped the phone she'd been fumbling with in the hope to get a reception. "Geez. I thought only London had a reputation for bad drivers."
"Ye'll have to get out now," the driver said.
"I'm sorry, what?" She glanced out the window, then back at the driver. This wasn't where she asked him to take her.
"I said, ye need to get out now, lassie."
She stuffed her cell phone back into her over-spilling handbag and glared at the man's hooded eyes in the rearview mirror. "I'm paying you to take me all the way up there." She pointed up the winding country lane.
The driver shrugged. "I'm 'fraid I canâ't, Miss. 'Tis too dark now and I doona want to be here at this time of day."
Alys cringed at his Scottish accent. She didn't get half of what he said. "It's only seven."
He shrugged. "'Tis all dark."
"What's the deal? Do cab drivers turn into pumpkins once it's dusk? You should've told me at the airport."
The driver turned to stare out of the window. "Yeâ're paying me for driving, not answering questions."
Grabbing her handbag she opened the door. No point in arguing with him because it seemed like a lost cause already. A chilly wind ruffled her hair.
Hm ... interesting. I like where this is going, though I wish there was more detail in it.
ReplyDeleteI like the accents, too - I can hear it in my head so much easier.
Thanks!
Hmm. I'm not sure about this one. This is a lot of back and forth, but no character development. Perhaps, if I could suggest, maybe you could evaluate if the dialogue is really necessary, or if it's just an instrument to describe how creepy the atmosphere is. A cab ride could be a good time to reflect on where she's going - just the kind of brainless activity where musing is accepted.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked. Keep revising and good luck!
Where is she and what's up the hill? Why is she there? Those are things I wanted to know, that I felt should have been in these 250 words.
ReplyDeleteA bit of description could also help set a mood here. The cab driver doesn't want to be there after dark, which hints at eerie things, so maybe describe a bit of the scenery so it feels a bit spooky.
And I was immediately reminded of the scene in Dracula where the coachman refuses to take his passenger any further.
In the end, there's no problem, other than that Alys will have to walk up the hill. Not compelling.
This one didn't go anywhere. I feel like what I just got out of those 250 words could have been expressed in 25 and something more exciting could have happened to catch my interest.
ReplyDeleteThe accents are great though. But it's a weak opening.
Gah! What happened to my comment? It posted -- I was sure of it.
ReplyDelete*grumbles*
Will be back soon to repost it. :)
Hopefully this posts -- and stays! :-)
ReplyDeleteRE: title—you should probably find something that is more specific to your novel, something that perhaps hints at the romance and/or the paranormal (both, if possible).
As for the text:
The cab came to a screeching halt. Alys lurched forward in the backseat and dropped the phone she'd been fumbling with in the hope to get a reception. "Geez. I thought only London had a reputation for bad drivers."
“came” is a weak verb here. Any way to rewrite that first sentence to use a verb that immediately implies the screeching halt?
"Ye'll have to get out now," the driver said.
"I'm sorry, what?" She glanced out the window, then back at the driver. This wasn't where she asked him to take her.
"I said, ye need to get out now, lassie."
She stuffed her cell phone back into her over-spilling handbag and glared at the man's hooded eyes in the rearview mirror. "I'm paying you to take me all the way up there." She pointed up the winding country lane.
The driver shrugged. "I'm 'fraid I canâ't, Miss. 'Tis too dark now and I doona want to be here at this time of day."
Alys cringed at his Scottish accent. She didn't get half of what he said. "It's only seven."
He shrugged. "'Tis all dark."
All of this is fine. I would like to see a little bit more on Alys’s part, in the sense that I’d like to hear her thought process and see a bit more of emotion. What is her reaction to all of this? Is she flustered in an overdramatic sense? Or is she just not getting that something out of the ordinary—something scary—is going on here?
I feel as if the entire scene could be rewritten to make this driver’s refusal to drive all the way up the hill a greater and more immediate sense of tension.
"What's the deal? Do cab drivers turn into pumpkins once it's dusk? You should've told me at the airport."
Not sure how to read this—is she spewing all of this? Are there awkward silences between the questions? Does she go from joking to serious? Feel free to break up dialogue with brief descriptors that help set the pace.
The driver turned to stare out of the window. "Yeâ're paying me for driving, not answering questions."
Grabbing her handbag she opened the door. No point in arguing with him because it seemed like a lost cause already. A chilly wind ruffled her hair.
There should be a comma after “handbag.” Otherwise, this is fine.
I’m actually not hooked by this scene—the one judgment I use when deciding whether to keep reading or to pass is whether I’m invested in the scene that is unfolding and in the character whose story is being told. I’m not invested in anything here because there is no recognized tension. You’re trying to make the scene tense because of the driver’s reaction(s), but obviously your character isn’t getting it (she seems a bit of a fluffy character to me), so I would either skip to where things start getting freaky and interesting or rewrite this.
You can always reference this dropping off incident later in the story.
This needs a more intriguing title, I feel. Magic is very generic. Come up with something specific to your book.
ReplyDeleteI am not a fan of overdone dialect. Dropping the gs on a few words doesn't bother me. Constant, oddly-typed dialect jerks me out of the story. You mentioned that she can't understand his Scottish accent most of the time, and that would be enough for me, both to let me know that he has one and to give me a hint of where she is.
I wanted more of a sense of where she's going and why she has to take a cab to get there. If you want me to believe that a cab driver would stop simply because it's dark, I need an idea of why this is a bad place to be once the sun's set. I'd rather know about that than the business with her phone and purse.
I'd read on to see just what's waiting for her at the end of this drive.
You can tighten this - and add more of her frustration and perplexedness (I think I just made up that work) but I like it.
ReplyDelete