TITLE: One Up
GENRE: Contemporary Middle Grade Fiction
For seventh grader Jace Evers, the new basketball season and the friendly rivalry of "one-ups" with his teammate, Owen, are welcome diversions from his deteriorating home life...at first. But when his parents' fighting intensifies and the rivalry with Owen escalates into malicious pranks, Jace realizes that in both situations he's the one who must come up with a way to stop things from getting any worse, even if he must risk splitting up his family or losing his only friend.
I really like this. I think is shows well what Jace is going through, however I do think both sentences are long and could be tightened.
ReplyDeleteI like this, especially since many middle grade readers can identify with friendships turned ugly. However, I'm worrying about how your secondary conflict plays in here. Jace can't make his parents stop fighting or get a divorce; all he can do is tell them he's miserable, right? Unless he plays a prank on them, which isn't in this logline. I guess, never having been in that situation, I might not fully understand what Jace is going through. But I just don't see how his parents' fighting becomes his conflict...it's bothersome, it provides emotional conflict, but suggesting he can do something about it to make it stop...Maybe I'd follow this better if I knew what he thought he could do to make them stop fighting. If you said he decides to prank his parents, that would be clearer. Also, I'm not sure the conflict with Owen is 100% clear, either, because the easiest way to stop the malicious one-upping is to tell Owen he wins, right? So, why doesn't Jace do that if he wants to keep his friend? When I think of it that way, it's sort of a non-conflict. I'm sure this rambling isn't helping you 100%, but maybe push this a bit further with a few more details of Jace's plans so we know what the conflict is, what plan of his could fail. As a reader, I want to know what physical conflict Jace must fight to overcome, and right now he can't physically overcome something for his parents, and he doesn't have to do much to fix the stuff with Owen, so I'm left wondering what's carrying this story.
ReplyDeleteI think this could be much leaner on the backstory.
ReplyDeleteBut my biggest problem was it leaves me with the sense of 'oh, all the adults are just kidding when they say your parents' divorce wasn't your fault. Actually, it was.' I think you need to give us some sense of why this child actually has that much power over his parents' marriage. Otherwise, it sounds like an awful message to send to kids; which I'm sure isn't what you're doing in the actual book.
I agree with Nicole - too long, otherwise good!
ReplyDeleteI thought this worked pretty well. I didn't have a problem with the parent issue, as I saw him in a sitaution where he perhaps confronts them and tells them they're ruining his life and he's tired of it and they either need to fix their relationship or get divorced. They don't have to listen, but he can voice his opinion.
ReplyDeleteWhat's missing for me is the connection between the two plots. Does he get involved in malicious pranking because that's what he sees at home? And which is your main plot and which is the subplot? Both issues seem to have equal weight here.
This logline is extremely well written. If I could suggest anything it would be the inclusion of the "why" he must act, while no one else will. I suppose to the whole qworld is falling apart seventh grader, it would seem he was elected (and only him) to make changes. Good MG mentality.
ReplyDeleteRight-on read-on.
I think the biggest problem here is that you are trying to tell us two stories. Focus on the outer goal (and he can't have two). Also "stop things from getting any worse" is not a tangible goal. "Stop the divorce" is. "Win the basketball season" is.
ReplyDeleteI think if you tighten this up and by cutting a lot of the excess out, it could be very good. Loglines should be is short as possible.
ReplyDeleteGood topics to explore! It'll resonate with readers. However, I feel the blurb is too wordy. You could consolidate some of the ideas. For example, you could say the basketball season helps Jace cope, but when a friendly rivalry with a teammate escalates to malicious pranks, Jace realizes... (etc.). Look for ways to tighten up the words to make the conflict pop.
ReplyDeleteHope this helps.
God bless,
Diana
This will definitely resonate with MG readers who are figuring out where they stand between their families and their friends, and who they are.
ReplyDeleteNice job. Sounds relatable for MG readers. I only thought it was weak when it came to the goal - I wasn't quite sure what he wanted to accomplish.
ReplyDeleteA little clarification and you're good to go!
Good, but long. I'd start with 'When seventh-grader Jace's parents' fighting intensifies'... or something like that, my wording is a bit messy. Phrases like 'that in both situations' can also go too.
ReplyDelete'Stop things from getting any worse' is a little vague, as others have pointed out.
But otherwise good.