Me likey! I think this works very well and sounds very interesting. Maybe if anything you could say why he didn't choose her. Like "a new woman (insert her problem) blocks his way. Or something. :o)
I'd like to see more specifics. Right now it's very general, and I think the details are what might help this stand out in a crowd.
How does he run from life? What about her makes her someone she wouldn't have chosen? How does this woman block his way? Or even, what kind of person is he? How does he deal with her blocking his way?
It's a broad subject, so show us what makes this different from other books about a grieving man reluctant to face a second chance at love, what makes THIS the book to read.
I'd like to see this infused with the personalities of the characters. Why is she blocking him? What is it about her that conflicts with his personality? I think those details would really set this apart and make it less general.
Love the title here, but I want to echo what some other people have said. How does she block him? I'm assuming she's the source of external conflict, and that needs to be in the logline. How to they rub against each other's personalities? Why wouldn't he have chosen her? I think I've said this a couple of times, but not even romance novels have love as their central conflict; there is always an external, physical conflict, too. So, get that in here.
I, too, love the title, but "blocks" gets us far enough to ask the questions, but not far enough to evoke the rest of the story. It makes me stop and think, "What does that mean, 'blocked'? What does that mean, 'chosen her'? Does that mean he's going to fall for this woman?" After second reading, I think I understand what you're getting at, but I do think you need more details to make the story stand out.
This was very generic, I thought. How does he lose his soul mate? What does 'run away from life' mean? Does he move to a mountaintop and become a hermit, or does he just refuse to connect with people? And who is this new woman and why would he never have chosen her? How does she block his way? What does that mean specifically in this case?
I'm not sure if it's common for women's fiction to have a male MC... could be wrong though! Either way, I wish I knew more about what Jalal's is or if 'soulmate' is literal or just a significant other that he felt was LIKE his soulmate. Also, how does this new women block his way and why?
I agree with everyone else. We need to know what happens after he meets this new woman. Does she stop him from running away? Does she make him realize there is more than one soulmate for everyone?
I love this concept, but shouldn't it be from a woman's POV? to fit the genre? I sense his name Jalal leads us to a Moslem/Jewish? romance? but it should be explained.
Try: Jalal decides to run from life (although saving words here isn't primary (you have 27), but with all the other comments you may need to. in any case, I think it reads better.
I feel like there should be a second sentence to further explain the conflict. Something like: Now, Jalal must decide if he will betray his soulmate or deny himself the opportunity to love again.
Also, your logline as it is now seems much too vague like others have said. Maybe explain who this new woman is in relation to Jalal, and how exactly he lost his soulmate (did she die? Did she leave him? Did she move away?).
Hmm... not sure there's enough information here to set this book apart. The idea seems to be one that I've seen quite a lot, either as a young widow or a spurned lover. What's unique about this character's situation? How exactly is he running from life? How does the woman block him? Another issue, though, is that you've got a male protagonist in a book you're calling women's fiction. I'm a YA writer, but isn't a female protagonist standard in women's fiction? Is this a hero/heroine casting like romance? Could you perhaps take the woman's point of view in your logline?
I've read this novel, and it's every bit as beautiful as its title is. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in about the 'male protagonist' question—perhaps it is unusual for the genre, but I thought it worked quite well with the way the author decided to tell this story. It's subtle, rich, and lovely, and I hope everyone gets a chance to read it one day. :)
I do agree that the logline is a bit vague, though. It's a true enough picture of what happens, but it doesn't yet do justice to the unique qualities of this story.
There's another entry in here that's women's fiction with a male character. I commented there that perhaps it doesn't matter, as long as the story is one that will appeal to women.
Anyway, from Kayla's comment this logline doesn't seem to live up to the story. As it is now, this wouldn't grab me (except for the title). Is there a way you can infuse some of the subtlety and richness from the story into the logline? Not an easy ask I know :-)
Thank you all for the feedback. I agree, it's too sparse, so I'll be revising.
And for those wondering about the appropriateness of a male MC in women's fiction, that depends on your definition of WF. A male MC is quite common in novels written under the broader umbrella of fiction that appeals mainly to women.
OK, he is blocked in his running. Now what? Is the conflict he can't run and he wants to, or something else?
ReplyDeleteMe likey! I think this works very well and sounds very interesting. Maybe if anything you could say why he didn't choose her. Like "a new woman (insert her problem) blocks his way. Or something. :o)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck~
I'd like to see more specifics. Right now it's very general, and I think the details are what might help this stand out in a crowd.
ReplyDeleteHow does he run from life? What about her makes her someone she wouldn't have chosen? How does this woman block his way? Or even, what kind of person is he? How does he deal with her blocking his way?
It's a broad subject, so show us what makes this different from other books about a grieving man reluctant to face a second chance at love, what makes THIS the book to read.
I'd like to see this infused with the personalities of the characters. Why is she blocking him? What is it about her that conflicts with his personality? I think those details would really set this apart and make it less general.
ReplyDeleteLove the title here, but I want to echo what some other people have said. How does she block him? I'm assuming she's the source of external conflict, and that needs to be in the logline. How to they rub against each other's personalities? Why wouldn't he have chosen her? I think I've said this a couple of times, but not even romance novels have love as their central conflict; there is always an external, physical conflict, too. So, get that in here.
ReplyDeleteI, too, love the title, but "blocks" gets us far enough to ask the questions, but not far enough to evoke the rest of the story. It makes me stop and think, "What does that mean, 'blocked'? What does that mean, 'chosen her'? Does that mean he's going to fall for this woman?" After second reading, I think I understand what you're getting at, but I do think you need more details to make the story stand out.
ReplyDeleteThis was very generic, I thought. How does he lose his soul mate? What does 'run away from life' mean? Does he move to a mountaintop and become a hermit, or does he just refuse to connect with people? And who is this new woman and why would he never have chosen her? How does she block his way? What does that mean specifically in this case?
ReplyDeleteA few details will make this unique.
I'm not sure if it's common for women's fiction to have a male MC... could be wrong though! Either way, I wish I knew more about what Jalal's is or if 'soulmate' is literal or just a significant other that he felt was LIKE his soulmate. Also, how does this new women block his way and why?
ReplyDeleteAnd then...?
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. We need to know what happens after he meets this new woman. Does she stop him from running away? Does she make him realize there is more than one soulmate for everyone?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love this concept, but shouldn't it be from a woman's POV? to fit the genre? I sense his name Jalal leads us to a Moslem/Jewish? romance? but it should be explained.
ReplyDeleteTry: Jalal decides to run from life (although saving words here isn't primary (you have 27), but with all the other comments you may need to. in any case, I think it reads better.
Your title is beautiful
I'm into it.
I feel like there should be a second sentence to further explain the conflict. Something like: Now, Jalal must decide if he will betray his soulmate or deny himself the opportunity to love again.
ReplyDeleteAlso, your logline as it is now seems much too vague like others have said. Maybe explain who this new woman is in relation to Jalal, and how exactly he lost his soulmate (did she die? Did she leave him? Did she move away?).
You're off to a good start. :)
Hmm... not sure there's enough information here to set this book apart. The idea seems to be one that I've seen quite a lot, either as a young widow or a spurned lover. What's unique about this character's situation? How exactly is he running from life? How does the woman block him?
ReplyDeleteAnother issue, though, is that you've got a male protagonist in a book you're calling women's fiction. I'm a YA writer, but isn't a female protagonist standard in women's fiction? Is this a hero/heroine casting like romance? Could you perhaps take the woman's point of view in your logline?
Just my thoughts...
God bless,
Diana
I have to agree with the others, more information is needed. I would cut it at life and work from there.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone. I would like a little more information.
ReplyDeleteI've read this novel, and it's every bit as beautiful as its title is. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in about the 'male protagonist' question—perhaps it is unusual for the genre, but I thought it worked quite well with the way the author decided to tell this story. It's subtle, rich, and lovely, and I hope everyone gets a chance to read it one day. :)
ReplyDeleteI do agree that the logline is a bit vague, though. It's a true enough picture of what happens, but it doesn't yet do justice to the unique qualities of this story.
There's another entry in here that's women's fiction with a male character. I commented there that perhaps it doesn't matter, as long as the story is one that will appeal to women.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, from Kayla's comment this logline doesn't seem to live up to the story. As it is now, this wouldn't grab me (except for the title). Is there a way you can infuse some of the subtlety and richness from the story into the logline? Not an easy ask I know :-)
Thank you all for the feedback. I agree, it's too sparse, so I'll be revising.
ReplyDeleteAnd for those wondering about the appropriateness of a male MC in women's fiction, that depends on your definition of WF. A male MC is quite common in novels written under the broader umbrella of fiction that appeals mainly to women.