TITLE: PECULIAR MAGIC
GENRE: YA/Fantasy
Fifteen year-old Ruby lives in a Podunk town in Alabama. Irish, poor and the object of school yard bullies, Ruby unwittingly uses magic to get even when she causes potato roots to spring from the face of the most popular girl in school. Without warning, Ruby's mother announces the family is moving to Ireland. Ruby hopes that this will be the end of all her troubles, but it's only the beginning.
It seems like most of your logline is backstory since they move. Also as it stands the move to Ireland seems unconnected to what happened in the school yard (which i'm assuming its not). I don't know your story of course, but I couldn't help wondering if the logline should start somewhere else and focus more on what the rest of the book will be about including what are the stakes for the MC and consequences (i'm assuming of using and learning the magic) since she leaves Alabama and so all those bullies are unimportant to the rest of the story (i'm assuming).
ReplyDeleteThe potato roots springing from the girl's face was funny and original.
Best of luck and thank you for sharing!
This logline is all backstory and it's missing the mark. What it needs is Ruby's goal, motivation for that goal, and the conflict keeping her from that goal. Right now, the only semi-goal I can see is her getting back at bullies, but that's neither strong enough to carry the whole story nor the central conflict since they move away from the bullies (thus removing that conflict). The one good thing you have in there is the inciting incident, which is the potato magic. I'd keep that and rewrite as something along the lines of:
ReplyDeleteWhen fifteen-year-old Ruby unwittingly uses magic to cause potato sprouts to root in the face of the most popular girl in school, her mother forces them to move back to Ireland. Separated from the life she knew, Ruby must [goal] because [motivation], or else [consequences], but [conflict that's keeping her from getting the goal].
Author here..I'm not understanding what u mean by backstory since the story is set in the present. The bullying is the biggest part of the decision to move to Ireland, not the magic. Sorry that it's not clear. I will re-work it. Thanks for the Help ;-)
ReplyDeleteI fill like this is a set up and the story begins in Ireland. What happens once she moves there? What are her troubles?
ReplyDeleteThough the potato magic/bullying may be a main part of the story, to me at least, it's not clear what Ruby wants (other than we can presume not to be bullied anymore) and what it is about moving to Ireland that gets in the way of what she wants.
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is hard. Condensing your 200-400 page story into a sentence or two.
I think what Shannon and K.Cooper were saying is that the first two sentences cover mostly background details that are not the thrust of your story. You state in the final line that the move to Ireland is only the beginning - so surely you should start there?
ReplyDeletePerhaps: When fifteen year old Ruby unwittingly uses magic against a school bully, her mother whisks her away to Ireland. Instead of solving her problems, however, the move . . . fill in conflict and stakes here
It's difficult - even that might be too much background detail. Best of luck with the re-writing!
Is this version better??
ReplyDeleteFifteen year-old Ruby lives in a Podunk town in Alabama. Irish, poor and the object of school yard bullies, Ruby, who doesn't know she is part fairy unwittingly uses magic to get even when she causes potato roots to spring from the face of the most popular girl in school. Ruby is happy when her mom announce they are moving to Ireland. She thinks she is leaving all her problems behind, then she discovers the family secret.
I agree with the others in that most of your log line tells about what happens before the move. It seems most of the story takes place in Ireland, but we don't know what happens when she gets there.
ReplyDeleteWhen 15 year old Ruby is whisked away to Ireland after using magic to get even with a bully - - -
Then gives us an idea of what happens in Ireland. What happens in Alabama doesn't matter so much because they leave. The story doesn't take place there.
I read your improvement and totally get both readings. This is about the girls struggle with her special powers and it doesn't matter where sh'e is. Perhaps all you need do is stress that, (and keep the word fairy).
ReplyDeleteI also see another conflict with her mom, who thinks moving will correct the problem.
I just bet the mom had the same problem and knows the cure or will be the Mentor. Boy, yours is complicated. Luckily in a query, you'll have a little more space to lay it out.
I'd read on.
Alright,the information has seeped through the thick bone in my head and reached my brain. What you are telling me is that I don't have to start my logline at the beginning of the story. I'm learning, thanks ;-)
ReplyDeleteThe first line caught my attention. But the second is very longwinded with too much back story. The premise is great, but we need to know who Ruby is. You have three sentences and I only have seen loglines have a maximum of two, and it some cases just one.
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise. If you cut down that second sentence and incorporate the third into it, your logline will be much stronger.
You might want to say ... Ruby unwittingly uses her magic against the bullying most popular girl.
You don't need the potato roots part. Keep it simple.
Good luck
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI know zilch about critiquing loglines, so I will just give you my thoughts. I love the image of potato roots springing from the girl's face. I don't think you need to say anything about where she's living at first, just that she does this thing with the potato roots and then her mom whisks them off to Ireland, where [conflict happens].
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. Here is the re-write.
ReplyDeleteWhen 15 year old Ruby is whisked away to Ireland after unknowingly using magic to get even with a bully she discovers the family secret; she is half fairy. But there is more, she uncovers the true idenity of the Dark Fairy and can't tell anyone because that secret could destroy her family.
Thanks Mai, after reading ur comment I'm gonna try again. I like the potato roots too. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI can see the progress you're making with your rewrites, but now you've introduced the Dark Fairy, which, from the sound of it, seems to be the antagonist? Who is he/she? What makes his/her true identity so important?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm missing the conflict here. I understand Ruby must cope with all of these discoveries, but I don't see how that could be the main conflict. Is she being hunted by people/other fairies who want to find out what she knows? If so, mention that. Otherwise it just seems like she spends the entire book trying not to be a blabbermouth.
I like the premise -- there's no doubt about that -- but if you can include those details, I'm sure I'll like it even more.
The re-write is better but you still need a goal here. What is she trying to do? Is she trying to find the family secret or does it just fall upon her?
ReplyDeleteAlso, what is the conflict here? Is the Dark Fairy trying to stop her from finding out the family secret? Or is her family trying to stop her?
This was so interesting, I loved reading the evolution of the logline. You've made excellent progress.
ReplyDeleteNow my two cents, I would take out the words "to get even with a bully." We don't need that info at this point. And you used the word secret twice, that's too much. I'm wondering about the half fairy thing, why is that significant?
I'm intrigued. Good job on the rewrites.
Dear Author - I've loved seeing your rewrites, and I have a better sense of your story than I did this morning (which sounds very cool!). You are getting closer. Keep at it!
ReplyDeleteI liked the first one, but your the last log line gave me the best sense of your story.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is a run on however. You can put a period after Ireland and start a new sentence with after or put a period after bully and start a new sentence she.
Regarding the first version: it may not be perfect, but it made me laugh out loud and want to read your book! So therefore, it did the job.
ReplyDeleteSure it could be more concise,but as I'm stuck in the Loglines For Dummies Class, I'm not the best one to make suggestions right now.
Potato roots- snicker!
Here is another re-write. I hope you all know how much I appreciate your help. You are amazing for sharing your time and offering me guidance. Thanks.;-)
ReplyDeleteAfter 15 year-old Ruby unknowingly uses magic causing potato roots to spring from the most popular girls face her mother whisks the family off to Ireland. Ruby thinks she is going loopers and struggles for answers when mysterious things continue to occur until she uncovers a secret her family kept from her; she discovers she is half fairy and everything falls apart from there as she is drawn into a battle for power and revenge that all began because of her great-grandmother a.k.a. the Dark Fairy.
After reading Holly's Blog I thought I'd try it this way.
ReplyDeleteBecause her family hides the truth Fifteen year-old Ruby must discover for herself the mysteries surrounding her heritage, or continue to secretly live in fear for her sanity. When Ruby learns fairy blood runs through her veins everything begins to fall apart and leaves her in the middle of a battle for power and revenge.
Alright, here is the last one. I hope. Sorry for so many re-writes. (I really need a critique partner.)
ReplyDeleteBecause her family hides the truth Fifteen year-old Ruby must discover for herself the mysteries surrounding her heritage, or continue to secretly live in fear for her sanity. When Ruby learns fairy blood runs through her veins everything begins to fall apart, and now she must put the pieces back together or risk getting caught in the middle of a battle for power and revenge.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear author,
ReplyDeleteI too have read your rewrites and see the progress on a great story, but you're lost in a sea of opinions. I recommend following Holly, of course, but also print out every logline tutorial you can find (of Holly's, Blake Snyder's, and David Macinnis Gill — what I have found). I'm asking this of you, because I noticed in your latest version that you didn't make concrete your antagonist and in fact you've softened many details that i believe the logline pros recommend against. It is more than alright to be explicit in every relevant detail.
So I hope you don't mind me playing with your words:
15 year-old Ruby unknowingly makes potato roots to spring from Miss Popular Girl's face causing her mother to whisk the family off to Ireland and divulge Ruby's half-fairyness. Ruby starts fooling with her powers and unwittingly insults the dark fairy who threatens the destruction of her family. She fights back, as best she can.
Locksley, I love that u came back to have a look & help me.Thank u. I like ur re-write, and I will take ur advise & check out the info u left. Thanks ;-) RubyRed0
ReplyDeleteAh, I wondered if you'd find it. Now I have a chance to correct my typos. Please get rid of the 'to' in 'to spring.'
ReplyDeleteAlso maybe a 'then' before 'threatens' flows better. Oh 'half-fairyness' (my goofy mind is always playing with words)...so maybe 'fairy-blood' suits you better.
In any case best of luck and if you'd like to correspond, try my blog 007rlocksley.blogspot.com.
Okay, so I lied. I'm doing another re-write after going back to Holly's page.
ReplyDeleteFifteen year-old Ruby learns that fairy blood runs through her veins after she unwittingly causes potato roots to sprout from the most popular girls face. Her mom whisks the family to Ireland thinking their problems will disappear but it only gets worse when Ruby discovers an enchanted realm where she must rescue a wounded fairy and escape dangerous creatures or be killed herself. ;-)T
When fifteen year-old Ruby moves to Ireland she unveils an enchanted realm where she must rescue a wounded fairy and escape the Dark Fairy's minions or be killed herself.
ReplyDeleteAnother lesson I've learned in this contest - log lines are really DIFFICULT!! Wordsmithing down to just a few lines (or even words for that matter) is almost painful because there's so much you want to say but shouldn't. Your latest revision is just about spot on. And it's so much different than the first one.
ReplyDeleteWhen fifteen year-old Ruby moves to Ireland she unveils an enchanted realm. After she witnesses a brutal attack on a fairy Ruby is compelled to rescue the tiny lady but ends up fighting for her own life when the Dark
ReplyDeleteFairy's minions come after her.