TITLE: The Keeper
GENRE: Middle Grade
Chasing a legend can be dangerous. Finding out it's real can be deadly when Jack's sanity is on the line, he's stuck searching for clues with someone he barely knows, and his fate - sealed by ancestral bloodlines - is to protect the Daylight Stones, fabled to destroy the world...all before he turns thirteen.
Honestly, I can't decipher this. At first, I thought there was some misplaced punctuation after "deadly" maybe. Now, I'm thinking this is supposed to be a clause sequence. That is, you're trying to say when a) his sanity is on the line, b) he's stuck... If that is your intention, it isn't working well, I'm sorry to say.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, that second sentence is way, way too long. I read the sentence about ten times, and I still have no clue what you're trying to say here.The idea of being fated to protect something that is supposed to destroy the world is really, really interesting, but it's lost here. That is the plot of the story. Pick that one plot and write to that.
Focus on Jack, something like: Jack learns the hard way that chasing down a legend can be deadly when his discovery of the truth of the Daylight Stones legend compromises his sanity....only better
ReplyDeleteThe language here seems a bit overwrought, especially for middle grade (the phrase 'sealed by ancestral bloodlines' stuck out).
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to clarify exactly what the stakes are? What or who is he protecting the Stones from? Can he stop protecting them after he turns 13? I agree with the above comments, it's hard to get a proper grip on what is happening here.
I feel like this is a little back-to-front (I often have this problem myself, it's hard to think in terms of how other people need to see this). It might help to think in terms of cause, effect, cause, effect - in that order.
ReplyDeleteSomething happens to threaten Jack's sanity and THEREFORE he must search for clues to whatever it is he hopes will save his sanity.
BECAUSE his ancestral bloodlines do something to seal his fate, he's stuck protecting the Daylight Stones that will destroy the world. IN ORDER TO stop this, he must something something.
This doesn't flow well for me. The very end is great about Jack needing to find the Daylight Stone. Focus on that part of the story and then go into his struggle for searching for clues.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest problem with this (aside from it being a bit confusing) is the passive nature of the goal. You say he's stuck searching for clues and his fate is sealed. Both of these items make is sound like Jack is just a puppet in his own story and you don't want this. Jack must choose to enter this conflict and you must tell us why!
ReplyDeleteSo much is going on that it's difficult to follow. The Daylight stone sounds interesting. Perhaps focus and give us his goal, conflict, and consequences.
ReplyDeleteYou really do have too much information here that might make sense to you, but just seems like random insertions to me. I think I've got this problem too, so I feel you! But yeah... work on focusing your logline to the main conflict (and I will too!)
ReplyDeleteThe bit from 'Chasing a legend' to 'deadly' is nice but I feel it's too vague to be at the start of your logline. If you want to use it, weave it in among the description.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure whether his sanity is on the line and thus he goes searching for clues and finds out about his ancestral fate, or whether it's the searching for clues and discovery of his ancestral fate that challenges his sanity. I'm guessing the former but I'd try to make it clear in the logline.
'Someone he barely knows' doesn't seem to add much to the query, so I'd drop it.
I would step back and try to decide what a reader really needs to know in order to be hooked. You've got all the ingredients (must protect stones that could destroy the world) and I like the touch of voice at the end, but it needs to be set out more clearly than it is now.
I thought the problem here is due mostly to lack of punctation and grammar issues, which makes me wonder how well the story is written. You don't want an agent wondering that.
ReplyDeleteAs is, it's unclear if Jack is searching for clues to save his sanity, or if he may lose his sanity by going on the quest.
It's also unclear as to whether he's searching for clues to save his sanity, or searching for clues to find the legend.
And it's unclear as to whether his fate is to solve all this before he turns thirteen, or if all this is happening to him, and he hasn't even turned thirteen yet.
Consider periods and commas rather than em dashes and ellipses.
"Telling us why" said Holly: I hope you don't mind, me playing with your excellent story as an example of the why (only).
ReplyDeleteJack never thought a hobby of digging up clues to harmless legends would get him in trouble. Get this, he has to save the world from the curse of the Daylight stones, all before he can enjoy his thirteenth birthday cake, chocolate please.
I liked the first two sentences. -Chasing a legend can be dangerous. Finding out it's real can be deadly - After that it got confusing. What's his goal? To search for clues(for what?) or is it to protect the stones? What's the consequence if he doesn't do it before he turns thirteen?
ReplyDeleteThis was confusing for me. I think there's too much world building info. that adds questions. It sounds like a pretty good story.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments. It was confusing and the plot isn't really clear. I don't think we need to know that he has to find clues with someone he doesn't know.
ReplyDeleteThe plot is unclear, and the character sounds as if he has no part in his own fate. You need to make Jack the focus of the lines. What he wants and what the stakes are if he can't get what he wants. Oh, and use commas....
ReplyDelete