TITLE: Reta Morse and the Sinister Shadow
GENRE: MG Paranormal
Someone banged on the door so hard it rattled in its frame.
Reta jerked at the sound, and a huge pencil line sliced across the warrior drawing she'd slaved at for two days. Great. It was going to take hours to fix.
She tossed the sketchbook onto the couch and stormed for the door. Who could be knocking this early? Ryan, maybe. No, her friend always waited down at the corner. It was probably that annoying little kid from down the street, then. He had a thing about knocking on doors and running away. And stuffing mailboxes full of garbage. And egging cars.
She yanked open the door and leaned out into the cool morning. "Okay. Very funny."
Nobody. That kid couldn't have run off that fast. Unless he'd found a way to teleport.
"You're hiding behind the house. Come out or I'm tying your bike chains together."
She waited for a twig to snap or something, but it never came. Fine. She bolted down the steps of the porch. She'd go after him herself and--
"Ouch!"
Pain surged through her bare foot. Reta grabbed the railing, earning herself a splinter. The kid had put a huge rock right on the bottom step. He was probably laughing right now.
Okay. She was tying his bike chains after school and painting it pink.
Seething, she whirled around pick the rock up before anyone else got hurt. It was pointed, jagged...and holding down a folded piece of blue paper.
I can't say I'm hooked, but I'm intrigued. There's nothing really wrong with it, so I'd probably keep reading, but I'd be looking for a better hook than the mysterious note pretty quickly.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely has promise. The hook doesn't come until the very end, but I'd probably read long enough to get there, and then I'd want to find out what's on the blue paper.
ReplyDeleteThere's a few minor editing issues that you'll probably catch with a few re-reads. Also, I noticed you have a lot of very intense verbs - banged, jerked, sliced, stuffing, surged. There's nothing wrong with them individually, but when so many show up in just a few paragraphs, they tend to lose their punch. Use discretion when deciding which ones to include. I've found that reading it out loud can be helpful in pinpointing what works and what doesn't.
This seemed very ordinary. Nothing stood out one way or the other. The note seems to be the main point of interest. Perhaps bring it up closer to your opening or simply start with it.
ReplyDeleteI chuckled at "tying his bike chains after school and painting it pink." Great image!
ReplyDeleteI felt like she was a little too angry for someone knocking on the door and ruining her drawing, unless there's something else going on that we don't know about.
I'm curious about the paper, but I feel like I've had to wade through a lot of useless information to get to it. It's a tough thing to do, but you might want to present the 'mystery' much closer to the opening.
ReplyDeleteOK, I'm a long-time cyclist and worked in a bike shop - I have no idea what tying his bike chains means. A bike has one chain, and it's in a circle. You can't take it apart without a special tool.
ReplyDeleteOr am I being a dolt here and am missing something?
And the it in this sentence presumably refers to the bike itself, not the bike chains?
Yeah, this is nitpicking, but it stopped me cold. (But maybe it would make sense to middle-graders?)
My problem with this is that we have a main character who is just so pissed off. We haven't had a chance to get to know her yet, so... Since I don't enjoy being around angry people and tend to avoid the short-tempered, I'm not really looking forward to spending more time with her.
ReplyDeleteIf her reaction started off a little smaller and built up as things go wrong--annoyed at the interruption, then peeved when no one is there, but not angry until she trips over the rock--it would make her seem less unreasonably angry.
I got the feeling she was angry because she'd ruined her homework because of the prankster.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd read on to find out what the note was all about.
I loved the part about tying the bike chains, but maybe word it a little different.
She seems like she has anger management issues. I would keep reading to see what the note said, but I have to say I am already not liking the main character, and that isn't a great sign.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting your work on such a public form. That takes guts.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is so intense I wondered why she even bothered to think it might be her friend. I think she'd have gone straight to suspecting the annoying little kid.
I have no idea how to tie bike chains together?! I would keep it to painting the darn thing pink.
You also missed a "to" in the first sentence of the final paragraph. This type of error may appear 'nitpicky' to comment on, but with an agent reading the piece I think it's important for there to be no grammatical mistakes or typos.
Having said all that, I would be prepared to read on to find out what this mysterious notes says.
Good action at the beginning and good imagery and description--but I'm hoping the note is very different and strange.
ReplyDeleteShe's a little too intense about the drawing. It won't take "hours" to fix. Stuff like this puts me off.
ReplyDeleteBUT...
You got me with the blue paper.
I smell a mystery coming. Good job!
ReplyDelete