Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Logline Critique Session Three #18

TITLE: Obsidian
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy

Aspen---a skydiving, rock-climbing, bear-cuddling---adrenaline junkie, finds herself in real danger when she unwittingly ensnares the heart of Obsidian, the dragon king.


  1. How does attracting the attention of the dragon king place her in danger? What is the specific risk here?

  2. Yeah, I don't understand the stakes or the choice involved. Or how a dragon king fits into a contemporary setting. And is the punctuation there around the em dashes correct? It confused me that adrenaline-junkie is outside of them.

  3. I don't think we need to know that she's into skydiving, rock climbing, and bear cuddling. I think it's enough to say that she's an adrenaline junkie.

    Plus getting rid of all those descriptors will give you more room to say what kind of danger she's in by ensnaring the heart of the dragon king.

    Is this a romance? Does she fall for him too? Or is she trying to avoid his advances?

    I'd like some idea of what the overall conflict is and what she plans on doing about it.

    I like the concept of thus, I just need more information to be fully hooked.

  4. This is a good start (although I agree you can leave it at just one adjective such as skydiving), but it needs the rest of the elements. What is she in danger of losing and why?

  5. what is her goal and the stakes is the only thing i wasn't clear on.
    i would suggest dropping the part between the '--' as those are all things that can be said by the next part adrenaline junkie.
    it sounds unusual, at least the little tidbit you did show us.
    i want to know what's so bad about snaring the heart of the dragon king so i know what she's up against.
    like the mc's name, too

  6. I think everything used to describe Aspen other than 'adrenaline junkie' can be cut. Also, the conflict needs to be clearer and the consequences should be stated. Otherwise, I am intrigued and I would read on!

  7. Perhaps say what she is in danger from, since, I'm guessing, if she captured the heart of the Dragon King, he wouldn't be out to harm her. So who or what is?

  8. I actually didn't mind the adjectives. I thought they gave the logline a sense of voice. I do agree that the em dashes are misplaced though. The last one should come after 'adrenalin junkie. You also need an extra sentence describing her goal and consequences.

    eg. Now Aspen must... or else....

    The dragon king is in love with her, but what is Aspen's goal? And what will happen if she doesn't achieve it?

  9. I too like the descriptors (but go with the pro) and would move the second em-dash.

    I see the irony and it's blooming, but just a bit about her true goal would work well.

    I'd read on because I like fearless heroines.

  10. Strong heroine. Interesting twist. I'm hooked. All you're missing are the stakes. Why does ensnaring the heart of the dragon king endanger her?

    I don't mind the descriptions of Aspen, either. I think it gives me a sense of who she is and how she'll handle the situation she's in.

  11. Y'all rock. Thank you for the help.

  12. I'm not sure there's enough information in this one. How does this character come into contact with the fantasy dragon king? What is her goal or quest? Why is she in danger?
    Also, you've got a misplaced em-dash in the first sentence. An em-dash (two dashes together, not three) is used to indicate an interruption of some sort, and the second em-dash completes it. You've got it too soon:
    Aspen--a skydiving, rock climbing, bear cuddling, adrenaline junkie--finds herself... (Also note, you don't need the hyphens in rock climbing and bear cuddling.)
    Hope this helps!

    God bless,

  13. I think what you have is great, but I want more...

  14. I think it doesn't give us enough info. How does she ensnare him? Is him a him or a dragon? Why do we need to know that she's an adrenaline junkie? I think maybe more info on conflict and stakes.

    Good luck.

  15. I am left wanting to know more about the relationship between Aspen & the dragon king & what kind of danger she is in. It does have my interest & I would read on based on what u have. ;-)T