Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Logline Critique Session Three #25

GENRE: young adult urban fantasy

Sixteen year-old Dahlia Kennedy can't help but fall for the mysterious man in her dreams after being alone in them for the past ten years. But when she finds out who Rowan really is and he disappears, she must help find him or risk his world falling apart and losing him forever.


  1. A couple things confused me here. First "after being alone in them for the past ten years" was strange. I didn't know what this meant. Aren't we all alone in our dreams normally? And why was she alone before that?

    Also, the entire second sentence was confusing because you are being too vauge. Who is he? Why does he disappear? Who is she "helping?" Why does she care that his world is falling apart? What are HER stakes in this?

    My point is, I think you need a bit more here to let us know the heart of the story. You don't have to give away the end, but it's ok to give away the middle.


    On an unrelated note, my CAPTCHA word, is nutsorly. That's awesome.

  2. I'm afraid after reading this I was confused and not sure what the story is about.

    Like the poster above, the first sentence didn't make sense to me (..."after being alone..." portion in particular). The way this is set up it makes your MC seem passive especially phrases like "can't help but fall for" (which i'm sure she is not in your story). As a reader, i'm also not sure why she cares about HIS world. What are the stakes for her?

    The way the log line reads its more about this mysterious man than about the MC. Maybe shifting the focus and letting us know why the MC (and us) care about saving his world.

    Hope this helps and best of luck. thank you for sharing!

  3. The second sentence is confusing, is her discovery of who the bloke is related to his disappearance? If not, pick which of the two is more important. And why is his disappearance important to her? Why must she act?

  4. This was a little ambiguous for me. I'm not sure what you mean by "being alone in them for the past ten years" and I think you could be more clear on how his disappearance is a risk of Dahlia losing him forever.

  5. I'd suggest stating Rowan's name in the first line, as in "can't help falling for Rowan, the mysterious man in her dreams, after being alone for the past ten years. Then using "he" in the next sentence.

    Also, you might end with " find him or risk losing him forever." just to avoid too much wordiness...

    Actually, I think this reads really well and sounds very interesting. Best of luck~

  6. Agree with the above comments. Is he the man "of" her dreams or does this book take place whilst she is asleep? Did she not dream for the first 6 years of her life? Was she actually dreaming about men when she was 7?

    Also, the stakes ("risk his world falling apart") and not personal to her. This is Dahlia's story so we need to know what she is in danger of losing. "Him" is not enough unless you tell us why this matters (ie, because she loves him and can't live without him...)

  7. I like the premise of the story but I think this logline needs more information. We know nothing about Dahlia other than she met a man through her dreams. Could we know a little bit more about her personality?

    Sixteen year-old Dahlia Kennedy falls for the mysterious man in her dreams but when she finds out who Rowan really is and he disappears, she must find him or risk his world falling apart and losing him forever.

    I do think that the stakes need to be more personal to Dahlia.

  8. The first line is awkward, IMO. She's fallen in love with a man in her dreams... does he become real? (Anything is possible in fantasy.) Does she meet someone who fits the description? "...being alone in them..." In her dreams? "...for the past ten years." She's been dreaming of a man to love since she was six years old? Little girls don't really dream that way.
    She finds out who Rowan really is... Why should we be concerned about this? Can you give us a hint of the danger or conflict?
    When he disappears, it's his world that could fall apart... not hers. The only danger to Dahlia seems to be that she'll lose her boyfriend. Not sure that's a strong enough conflict for me to care about this character. In fact, the conflict seems to be with Rowan, and I wonder if he's actually your protagonist.
    Sorry to be so negative, but I think this logline needs some beefing up.

    God bless,

  9. Do you mean that she's been dreaming about this man and been alone with him for 10 years? As the others said, that part is not clear.

  10. I think your use of 'man' and ten years of dreaming of him when she is sixteen is too creepy. Would you consider the mystery boy growing with her in her dreams?

  11. You have the MC, the age, the inciting event. That's all good. Her goal is to find him. I'm confused about the consequence. How'll not finding him, cause his world to fall apart?

  12. Despite the above comments, this sounds intriguing and sexy. I'm hooked!

  13. I'm intrigued and I get a sense that you have a special world. Maybe the MC dreams herself into Rowans world? I think this would work better if you tell us a little more and trim the wordiness. "Can't help but fall" could be changed to "falls" and "mysterious man" could be changed to Rowan.

  14. I agree that the first sentence reads awkwardly. Possibly adding something about how or why he's in her dreams - are they literal dreams, daydreams, psychic dreams? - and also indicating whether she's dreaming about him because she knows him in real life, or whether she finds him in real life after dreaming about him - those were big questions I had after reading this.

    That said, I'm also curious about why his world is falling apart rather than "the" world - which is an interesting twist that I haven't seen often. Usually it's the protagonist's world or "the" world that's threatened - there's a good seed of information there that is interesting to consider.

  15. Thank you to everyone for your input - it is MUCH appreciated!!!!!


  16. I think fantasy writers can have a harder time with loglines because you have to try to explain your world as well as the goals and all the other things. Others have given good suggestions on clarifying it. I would suggest using less detail in the first sentence and more in the second. In the first sentence, all we need to know is that Dahlia has fallen in love with a man who appears in her dreams (at least I think that's what you mean). In the second, a few more details on what his world is might be helpful in hooking people. Good luck!

  17. I'm throwing in my agreement on the confusion with the 1st and 2nd lines. I especially like what Diana has suggested and I think you'll find some valuable insight there. But I also want to add that this logline has that "something" that intrigues me very much. Given just a little more clarity, I'd be totally hooked.