TITLE: Morgantown
GENRE: YA (Urban Fantasy)
The hotel room was eerily clean. It was a change from the past few days; all the blood, dirt, heat and fear had pervaded my senses. Now the artificially cold room seemed foreign to me. I dropped my bags to the floor, throwing the car keys on the bedside table as I let down my hair from the tight ponytail it had been in all day. It was late and all I wanted to do was fall into bed.
Unfortunately, Kerrie had other ideas.
She flipped on the television, dropping onto the bed on the left while I retreated to the bathroom for a shower. I peeled off my clothes, a thick layer of sweat remaining from the long drive. I cursed Henry’s car for not having a functional air conditioner, though wearing a hoodie in the middle of June may have contributed to the heat. There was blood too, sticky and bright red from wounds that had just barely scabbed over.
The lukewarm water soothed my sore muscles, but it hurt to wash up; every time soap grazed a wound, I winced in pain. After rinsing, I turned off the hot water completely, enjoying the cold numbing sensation on my skin.
When I was done in the shower I combed through my stubborn hair, a black extra-large t-shirt hanging loosely to my knees. As I brushed my teeth, I couldn’t help but do what I’d been trying to avoid; I glanced at my reflection in the mirror.
I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm worried you're getting ready to tell us what she sees in the mirror. This ranks up there with beginning a book w/someone waking up as a "please don't do this!" If she's just going to say something like, "She looked as bad as she felt," then okay. But if she's going to go into detail about her blue eyes or sloped nose, "please don't do this!"
As for what you have, I really like it. I want to know what happened over the last few days. I want to know why she has Henry's car but no Henry. I want to know who Kerrie is and why she wants to see what's on TV right now.
This is definitely a vivid scene and I'm interested to know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteMy nitpicks- there are a fair number of adverbs and the three descriptive paragraphs don't propel me forward as much as they could. I struggled with this with my intro- every unnecessary word has to get cut.
I think with a little tightening this could be awesome! Good work!
This had little things here and there that kept me from being hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe third sentence seemed redundant. The fourth sentence should be part of the next paragraph.
I have no idea where the blood is, that "sticky and bright red." Is "there" the bathroom, the shower, on her clothes, in her hair, or in the car?
Every sentence of the fourth paragraph (except the first) starts with a phrase. "Every time soap grazed a wound..." "After rinsing," "When I was done" "As I brushed my teeth..." It just started to feel sing-songy as I read.
So there's nothing really wrong...but I wasn't hooked either.
This is good, and I think with a little tightening, it could be great. Gotta agree with Stephanie that cutting a few adverbs can work wonders.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, the first sentence didn't hook me--I tend to hope my hotel rooms will be clean so I never think of that as something that's eerie.
You brought us in, that's for sure. I'm hooked, I want to know more. I would tighten things up a bit though. Some of your sentences seem a bit choppy ... I know you want us to follow your character as they do each step, but perhaps you could tighten your third paragraph up a bit.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I thought this had potential, but as written, it felt too 'telling' to me. It's all presented in a rather bland way.
ReplyDeletefirst parg - you mention the errily clean room and contrast it to blood and dirt, then use 'cold' to describe it, rather than the things that make it 'eerily' clean, things that would contrast with the blood, dirt.
There's another person in the room with her, but we get nothing from, or about her.
She has sticky, bleeding wounds, but you don't say where they are, how bad they are, or where she got them. (although I can see witholding the 'where' for now.)
And then she cleans up and that's all told to us, too. Show her washing and wince as soap hits her wound. Maybe describe a wound.
Try to kick the writing up a few notches, so that it's just as interesting as your premise.
I'll have to pass. There's nothing wrong with the writing, just nothing that right or original about it, either. I get no sense of identity from the mc or the other character. The blood is the most interesting thing, but by the time we get to the toothbrushing, I'm sick of waiting for some sign of identity from the mc.
ReplyDeleteWhat is she feeling other than dirty and hot and sore? If she's not feeling anything, I'd like to know why.
Sorry, not hooked yet.
I'm curious about the wounds and what happened. However, the scene in the hotel room doesn't quite have enough action. You don't need to necessarily outline everything the MC is doing from dropping down her bags, the car keys and taking down her hair. I think if you start with her doing something with more action, I'd be drawn in more.
ReplyDeleteI like the first line, especially if you're telling me that normal for her means seedy flophouse or the like.
ReplyDeleteMy tightening suggestions:
The hotel room was eerily clean. The artificially cold room seemed foreign to me. I dropped my bags to the floor, throwing the car keys on the bedside table as I let my hair down from the tight ponytail it had been in all day. It was late and all I wanted to do was fall into bed.
Unfortunately, Kerrie flipped on the television.
I retreated to the shower. A thick layer of sweat remained from the long drive. Henry’s car did not have a functional air conditioner, though wearing a hoodie in the middle of June may have contributed to the problem. There was blood too, sticky and bright red from wounds that had just barely scabbed over.
Anyway, this is good, just in need of tightening, IMO.
I think it was very good and full of rich texture, vivid snapshot descriptions that gave me just enough but not too much and lots of voice. I'd read further.
ReplyDeleteYou've hooked me and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that it needs tightening, but others have covered anything I might mention. And I second Bobbie on the matter of what she's about to see in the mirror.
And I agree with Sarah. I really like the first line. I can actually empathize with going into a room or area that is perfectly clean after you've been looking at and covered in dirt, blood and/gore. It's almost like stepping into another dimension until you get cleaned up again!
I really like your descriptions. Your voice is easy and natural as if someone is telling a story. Not trying to hard, a plus with most aspiring writers.
ReplyDeleteA bit of tightening and you are there.
This opening seemed quiet and slow for what I suspect is something more thrilling. Peeling off bloody clothes and scrubbing wounds; something tense has been happening. And yet we start with winding-down: washing, changing, watching TV. This is well-written and engaging, but I'm much more curious about how the MC got to her/his current state than how she/he unwinds from it. I might read on to see if the action picked up.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jessica. It seems we've come in after all the action has happened and we're seeing the not-so-exciting aftermath. It's hard to judge from 200 words of course, but that's how I feel after reading this.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with those who say it could be tightened. I'd rather get to something happening, rather than her just cleaning herself up. Though I did like the 'eerily clean' hotel room. I get that it's eerie because she's obviously been somewhere very dirty and mucky and so it's the contrast with the hotel room that's eerie, not the fact the room is clean.
I'm afraid I found the writing in the opening paragraph a tad awkward, and that prevented me from getting sucked in. Hotel rooms are usually quite clean - I'm not sure how one would be "eerily" clean, and then, I wasn't sure what was "a change from the past few days" - there was blood, dirt, and heat in the hotel room? Or just in the character's life? I'm also not sure about the use of the verb "pervaded" or why the room was "artificially" cold. Then I found it confusing about who "Kerrie" was, and since the opening paragraph described the room without mentioning another person I found it confusing to find that there was suddenly someone there.
ReplyDeleteI think the last paragraph is the best one - the narrative gets into a better flow, and I like the idea that she had been trying to avoid looking in the mirror, but I think the first three might need some adjusting.
Thank you so much everyone for the comments! I really appreciate the feedback.
ReplyDeleteI'll definitely be revising my opening in the near future :)