TITLE: Whisper
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
EMOTION:Mutual Attraction
Rain is surprised when rich boy Chase shows up at a house party full of the type of people he would usually consider "trash" (herself included). After taking care of some business he approaches Rain, who he has never even bothered to speak to before, and starts hardcore flirting with her. After noticing that she's not having a good time at the party, he offers her a ride out of there. She grudgingly accepts. This conversation takes place in the car.
“You know how to get to the Haven Ridge Trailer Park?”
“Do I look like the kind of guy that hangs out in trailer parks?” He started the engine and navigated his beast of a vehicle around the other cars in the yard.
“You know you’re an asshole, right?”
He smirked. “I’ve heard that once or twice.”
“I live across the street from the entrance.”
“What makes you think I’m taking you home?”
The tiniest flicker of fear ran through me, but I shook it off. He was probably too lazy to attack anyone. “Chase, we both know I’m not your type. You don’t want to hang out with me.”
“Maybe you are my type. I’m sick of rich white girls. I wanna try something new.”
“Is that supposed to turn me on?”
He pulled up at a stop sign and grinned at me. “Does it?”
“Oh, yeah. I love the idea of being your science experiment. I’m still half white, though so you wouldn’t really get that full on ‘different’ experience you’re looking for. Maybe you should try a guy.”
“You’d have a lot of fun.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
He smiled – a real smile, not his usual slimy one. It changed his whole face. “Alright. At least let me buy you something to eat.”
Something fluttered in my stomach. “Why?”
“Why not? It’s Friday night, we’re out.”
“No offense, but I don’t really want to be seen with you. Bad for my rep.”
He burst out laughing. “Your loss."
I didn't think I would at first, but I liked this a lot. I like the way that her words try to deny her attraction while he's trying to come on to her and making an ass of himself.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue feels real and natural. Well done.
My only negative is that, in this case, I *did* feel a bit like ti was talking heads in parts as there wasn't much going on outside of te talking.
Good job though :)
Love the banter. Love it. Really nice job! My favorite line was:
ReplyDelete"You know you're an asshole, right?" LOL!
I love the line 'Maybe you should try a guy'. He comes across as totally obnoxious though, so you'd have to work hard to convince me to accept him as love interest.
ReplyDeleteUsually this set up comes across as sterotypicak but this was actually fun to read. Snark is always welcome. :D
ReplyDelete"You know you're an asshole, right?" is my favorite by far,
This is a fun exchange. I would work on the dialogue about her being a science experiment. Put the comma after though so it reads more smoothly and I stumbled over the words "that full on different experience" and had to read it a couple of times to understand what you meant. And I would have him react to her statement about trying a guy which is great but I would think he would at least make a face or something.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun read. The dialogue flowed naturally and there was just the right amount of humor. I didn't, however, get mutual attraction from it. It was clear that they didn't truly dislike each other, despite their words. But I didn't get the feeling they were romantically attracted to each other.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line? "Is that supposed to turn me on?" Especially when he replied, "Does it?"
This has some good lines, and it moves along, but I didn't get the feeling of mutual attraction.
ReplyDeleteHe's coming onto her with too many hard lines, in my humble opinion.
I don't get the feeling that she is attracted to him at all. She has a flicker of fear, tells him he's an asshole, and that being seen with him would be bad for her rep.
I would include more about her private feelings and thoughts. She could say one thing and think another, for example, or have flutters in her stomach not from fear.
The problem with these 250-word excerpts is we don't get to see what comes before or after, so you might have covered this.
Nice, flows well, reads out loud well. I really get the feeling of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteGood work.
It is hard for me to find anything negative to say about this piece. I like the flow, the dialog feels real.
ReplyDeleteThis part tripped me up a little bit: Oh, yeah. I love the idea of being your science experiment. I’m still half white, though so you wouldn’t really get that full on ‘different’ experience you’re looking for.
But I loved the last line: Maybe you should try a guy.
I feel like Chase should have some reaction to the above line.
Aside form that, I think this is great.
The first part felt a little stereotypical or stilted to me, but I liked how the conversation flowed as it went on.
ReplyDeleteI felt a spark between them.
I thought your dialogue flowed smoothly and I liked this exchange. I didn't get the mutual attraction though. I can feel him flirting, but I thought that she didn't like him much. I agree that some insight to their personal thoughts would help. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI love the snark in this piece. Mutual attraction? Ehh ... Not exactly. But I can see how this could grow into that.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog flowed well, except for the paragraph about the science experiment and her being half-white. Maybe if the sentences were broken down a little more? People don't talk in big, contraction-type sentences as much as we tend to write them, so it comes across as stilted. I had to read that paragraph a couple of times, which was very unlike the rest of piece (all of which I thought flowed nicely).
p.s. I didn't get a paranormal vibe from this at all when I was reading it. I actually thought it was YA contemporary (I overlooked the category up top). That's not to say anything negative about your story--quite the contrary, actually. I felt very grounded.
ReplyDeleteThis really left me wanting more...in a good way! I really want to know where the paranormal comes in. The verbal parrying was quick and funny.
ReplyDeleteBoth of these people didn't seem very attractive, especially to each other.
ReplyDeleteThis has been done so many times that I'd be very careful. Rich guy coming onto "poor girl", gets rejected cause he's an ass, starts to woo her, tries to use his money to claim her, she sees him with his kid sister and her heart melts, etc. But he's still an ass.
Use her thoughts or his character or something to make this truly yours, truly original; a story that needs to be spoken in your own words.
This was a fun read. Didn't get the feeling of mutual attraction, but I did enjoy their banter and see that it could go that direction eventually.
ReplyDeleteFun stuff!
Dropping in on a brief set dialogue piece is hard. But our brief is how good is the dialogue. Yes. Yes. Yes and Yes. Ticking off all good dialogue boxes.
ReplyDeleteJust that what disturbed me was a few questions arising for this short piece.
I am confused - Rain is male or female... you say he she in emotions
I am disturbed whether the ethnic card isn't a little tired...
There is a moment of fear which given this conversation, is too fleeting.
And is he a sleezeball? If he's a sleezeball, why is she in the car so readily.
Look I know these are really questions I shouldn't ask based on the short excerpt but just as a few points for you to think on that's all.
Good luck :-)
I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI felt that you had two distinctly different voices. Even though several lines of dialog didn't give a clue as to who was speaking, I always knew how was talking.
As for the emotion, I didn't really get mutual attraction. At least I didn't see it with the words that were said. Maybe if I could hear the voices I could see the undertones of mutual attraction. His smiles made him seem fake or slimy. The fluttering in her stomach made it seem like she was getting sick.
I hope this helps.
This is really good. I love the "maybe you should try a guy" line. Not sure about the "science experiment" line. I think if you cut that line, the rest of that section would work better. I get who these characters are and their dialogue is realistic.
ReplyDeleteI think your dialogue flows really well, and it was fun to read. I didn't get the feeling they were attracted to each other though. Maybe that's okay, though? I mean, what happens here could lead to that later on.
ReplyDelete