Wednesday, February 24, 2010

33 Talkin' Head

TITLE: In Darkness She Fades
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Delilah, sixteen, is the MC. She's following Jerald, popular senior at new high school, who claims that her hallucinations of demons (goblins) are real. She's about to find out that goblins are not the only thing to fear in the small town of Rosewood.

Delilah crossed her arms against Jerald. She shivered. Something’s wrong. Gazing up at the treetops, she squinted. “Jerald. The trees. They’re bending inward.” She backed up.

Jerald positioned himself behind her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. “ Shh ... they’re here.”

A high cackling erupted through the wind, making a shrieking sound that mimicked nails scrapping against a chalkboard. The bushes along the stone path shook. Gruff laughter echoed through hollow logs and trees.

“God, let’s get the hell out of here!” Swiveling, Delilah attempted to run back to the wall, but Jerald held her firmly against himself.

“Not until you’ve seen them up close.”

“Are you insane?” Delilah asked. Shaking her two-toned hair and struggling to break free from Jerald, she stopped when he jerked her hard.

“Delilah,” Jerald lifted her chin, “you need to see how dangerous goblins are. I want you to drop your interest in these demons.”

Delilah’s eyes widened. “Your teeth. They’re changing.”

Jerald grinned. “Theses are the laws of Rosewood – Never enter the Goblin Kingdom. Don’t consort with the goblins. Never disobey me. If you break these rules, you die.”

“What the hell are you?”

Jerald bent down. The wind spiked his raven hair and his eyes swirled electric violet. “Vampire.”
Delilah’s heart froze. She couldn’t breathe. Goblins popped their massive heads out from thorny bushes and trees. Curvy sneers and bat-like ears
poked out from around the edges of their skeleton masks. Delilah watched the goblins surround them and block off their only exit.


  1. The dialogue is really good and definitely created a feeling of fear for me. I wanted Delilah to run.

    A couple minor suggestions:

    I didn't understand what "Delilah crossed her arms against Jerald." meant. Is she leaning against him or taking a defensive pose toward him?

    I would drop the dialogue tag after "Are you insane?" because of it's repetition after the question mark. And in that same paragraph, "she stopped when he jerked her hard." feels like it should be a separate sentence, or maybe moved to the front of the sentence.

    Good job. I'd like to read more.

  2. Love the dialogue. In fact, first time through, I read only the dialogue and not the intervening stuff. Great job!

  3. You might want to just say, "Deliah crossed her arms and shivered." Crossing your arms in another person's presence is a defensive gesture. I don't think you need to state what would already be implied.

    The dialogue read smoothly. It bothered me that he touched her chin--that's a serious violation of her personal space--but now I think the action might be in character. You definitely conveyed her emotion.

  4. You definitely showed fear in the conversation. I like your description too, I would love too see more of this.

  5. This was good and creepy, especially Jerald's dialogue about the laws of Rosewood.