TITLE: The Bearers of Life
GENRE: Paranormal/Romance
EMOTION: Stress/Relief
Jordan (our female heroine) needs to bring Ethan (who just became an immortal himself) back to the City of Immortals before they are attacked again. They had just survived an attack by another immortal sent to kill Ethan, and Jordan is on edge.
A moment passed, then two. Just as he called out for her, there was a loud crash and she reappeared, slamming a shadowed figure into the ground at his feet. A ball of black flames erupted in her hand and the unseen stranger began to struggle harder.
“Wait!” he said, putting his hands up in surrender. “It’s me.”
“Geez, Duncan. You should know better!” she yelled.
“Jordan, would you mind?” he groaned. “Preferably before you rip a whole through my chest.” She was half tempted to let him have it anyway, simply as payback for sneaking up on her.
“Fine,” she said begrudgingly, extinguishing the black flames as she got up to help him off the ground.
“Thanks,” he sighed with relief as he stood up.
Just like Jordan’s black flames, a ball of white light began to glow in Duncan’s hand, finally casting some light on their surroundings.
“You look like hell, baby girl,” he told her.
“Hey as least that’s a change for me. You always look like crap.”
“You’re just jealous,” he snarked back with a smile.
“You wish,” she laughed. He was one of the last few remaining bright spots in her life, and she hadn’t seen him nearly enough lately.
“So what was with all of the secrecy before you left? Where did Dianara send you?” Duncan asked looking over to Ethan for the first time.
“Sorry, Duncan this is Ethan – Ethan, Duncan, the Bearer of Light.”
“Sebastian’s replacement?” Duncan was surprised, but Jordan didn’t answer. Instead she glared cruelly at her friend and then walked away. “Sorry. I didn’t mean…”
“I know.”
Her actions show her stress more than the dialogue does but I do like the playful dialogue in the middle. Relif is clear there. :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as nitpicking, watch for over explaining in the tags. Such as: 'she yelled' - not needed. Her dialogue conveys her tone.
'she said begrudgingly' - better conveyed through the dialogue and her actions. Not needed.
'he told her' - they are the two speaking so I gather he's talking to her.
'he snarked back' - I love snark, but not used this way. :) Try showing his tone with something like: He smiled. "You're just jealous."
',he sighed with relief' - He's not sighing the dialogue. There should be a period there.
How does it look to 'glare cruelly' as opposed to just glaring? I'm not picturing a difference.
I think you've got a good story working here and I like the dialogue. It flows in a realistic fashion. Ditto Jean on the rest.
ReplyDeleteFrom the Author....
ReplyDeleteIronically enough, I hadn't noticed exactly how many tags were in this section of dialogue until I posted it up!
ThIs is definately something I would like to read. I especially enjoy the playful banter.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else, the dialogue flows...except this line.
ReplyDelete“Preferably before you rip a whole through my chest.”
She would rip a HOLE through his chest.