TITLE: FIRE IN THE SOUL
GENRE: WOMEN'S FICTION
EMOTION: NERVOUSNESS/EMBARASSMENT
Ella is the MC. She is a divorced mother trying to get her messed up life straightened out. She is not bitter, but she no longer trusts herself or men. Ella had a mishap regarding a pizza box, an oven and a fire where she first met our hero, Captain Jack Piper of the local fire department. She was intantly attracted to him, but mortified by getting caught directly out of the shower, and simply doesn't trust him. She lied to him about her name, thinking she would never see him again. Now, she runs into him at a bar during her best friend, Avery's, bachelorette party. Avery is trying to complete a checklist of naughty things, as well as "sell" the lifesavers on her t-shirt (men pay $5 to "remove" a lifesaver), and collect condoms for her hat. Jack knows Ella gave him a fake name, and he wants to mess with her.
Avery grinned at Jack, who returned the smile. Jack gently turned her head and tipped her chin up slightly to bare the base of her neck. He bent down and chose his lifesaver, removing it slowly. Avery let out a small moan.
“Wow. That was amazing,” Avery said as she swayed a little.
“Now, who is your friend?” Jack asked.
“This is Ella. Ella, this is...what's your name?” Avery said as she handed him her checklist.
“My name is Jack. Jack Piper. You look very familiar, Ella. I feel as though we've met before,” Jack said to me as he signed Avery's list and handed it back to her. He was going to make me suffer.
“I d..don't think so,” I stuttered.
“I'm a firefighter. Have you recently had an incident needing our services?”
“Sure you did. Wait...oh my God! Ella! Is this the guy?” Avery shouted.
Jack beamed. Now he knew I had told my friend about him. The ultimate male ego boost.
“Wait till I tell Claire!” Avery screamed as she ran back to our table.
“Thanks a lot,” I said trying to sound cold. It was next to impossible, especially considering I was really starting to feel all warm and fuzzy.
“Well, you can't be her, because her name is Susan. Susan Jefferies, I believe. In fact, I'm certain I just received an email from Susan. So she can't be you, but you look exactly like her, except with dry hair, make-up and clothes on instead of a robe.”
The beginning interested me, but I think the moan might be over the top. Why did Avery shout and scream? Was she far? Was the place loud? Also, I think "warm and fuzzy" would've been gone as soon as he recognized her, so I'd consider taking that out. I think she should seem more embarrassed. Lastly, I don't think the firefighter would mention the makeup. Men never notice things like that.
ReplyDeleteI think it was a nice mix of dialogue and thought.
This is fun!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I can hear the playfulness in his voice and the terror in hers! Plus, Avery is a strong side-kick character here. My only suggestions would be to get rid of extra words that don't contribute to the dialogue. I would take out "I stuttered." I can tell that from the dialogue, so there's no need to tell us she stuttered right after we just read she did. I like to use "she said, she asked", etc. as little as possible. Let the dialogue flow without those extra words as much as possible. When you have to interject who said what for clarification, that's fine. I might even take out "Avery shoted". You can tell she's excited from the use of the exclamation mark.
ReplyDeleteThis drew me in right away, and I'd like to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I had was that I didn't get nervousness or embarassment from the dialogue. I thought Ella was more irritated at Avery than embarassed at seeing Jack and having her cover blown.
Otherwise, I like this very much!
You did convey nervousness and embarrassment, so you get an A for that.
ReplyDeleteHowever, this would work better if you tinkered with Avery. The moan should go - it has the ick factor, too over the top, as someone else said. She could show she thinks the guy is handsome in some other way. Does Avery have the IQ of a houseplant? Is she drunk? No best friend would expose the friend's crush in front of the Object of the Crush like this:
“Sure you did. Wait...oh my God! Ella! Is this the guy?” Avery shouted.
Jack beamed. Now he knew I had told my friend about him. The ultimate male ego boost.
“Wait till I tell Claire!” Avery screamed as she ran back to our table.
I would drop-kick somebody who did that to me!
I didn't think the dialogue did the job. Like someone else, I got that she was more irritated with Avery, than embarrassed. And I didn't get a sense of how Jack was speaking. Was he angry? Was he being playful (that's what you said, but it didn't come across for me) Is he being snide? Without your explanation, I think his dialogue could be taken in any of those ways. Maybe add a smile or grin in that last parg. or something to hint at his mood.
ReplyDeleteApart from the dialogue, they both know the truth, so why would either of them pretend otherwise?
Avery comes through the clearest in this scene-- she sounds drunk and incredibly exuberant. Like she's having a great night. It works well for her characterization!
ReplyDeleteJack's final dialogue bit could probably be tightened. I'm not sure we need the repetition of the name, Susan. I can definitely tell that Jack is proud of himself for jerking her around a little bit, but I think we need more from Ella!
This is cute. I'm another one who didn't care for the moan. I also think there's a disconnect between nervousness/embarassment and the warm and fuzzy reference near the end.
ReplyDeleteBut I really like this, and the dialogue is great!
Excellent! I cringe for Ella!
ReplyDeleteCut the moan, but I like putting in something like an excited squeal or something. It opens up the possibility of her being jealous of Avery, or angry at her for getting his attention, and then for shouting like that and revealing everything. (She is obviously plastered, I got that right away. Still, I could, see Ella unreasonably blaming her for a while.)
I agree about cutting the 'make-up' part, unless she's wearing a LOT of make up. I'm a guy, and I never notice that. At least not enough to mention it.