TITLE: Dark Side of the Moon
GENRE: Futuristic Romance
Some days the bad guys just didn’t get it. Some days the only thing they got was a swift kick in the a**.
In a perfect world, she’d be out of a job. But, this wasn’t a perfect world. Hadn’t been in centuries, if ever. Long before she was a speck in her father’s eyes. Long before the continents split into chunks of land whose residents took the opportunity to separate from the United States and set themselves up as Commonwealths.
Selene leaned over the crumbling concrete ledge, her fingertips digging into the soft stones. Here in the Basement, the cesspool of the Commonwealth known as New Pacific, no one cared about power struggles. Only about themselves. Her lips twisted. Like the thugs below her creatively trashing the old couple’s store.
In better days, long time ago better days; the tattered and graffiti-tagged storefront had beckoned for patrons. Now, it served as a come-and-get-me beacon for the Basement’s nastier element.
Selene could work with that.
She’d arrived just in time to see the thugs finish with the store and drag the old couple’s daughter into the alley. The girl’s cries, echoed by her parents, bounced off the walls. Furtive noises and the slamming of doors hinted at the minds of the nearby residents.
If it didn’t have anything to do with you, ignore it.
Selene extended her arms, the full wings of her jacket fluttering in the breeze. She threw herself off the roof and glided to the garbage strewn surface.
This is well-written, but there's a lot of setup here, and I'm not sure how much of it is important for the opening. She's about to go kick some bad-guy butt, which seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, but you take great pains to explain why.
ReplyDeleteYet she also watches a girl get dragged into the alley and does nothing about it - I'd prefer a little more explanation about that than the 'MYOB' sentence. Clearly, she's powerful - can leap off a roof without thinking about it. So why not save the girl? I'm rambling a bit here, but you run the risk of her becoming unsympathetic if you don't tell me why she's abandoned this girl to her fate right off.
I agree with Burrell here. There seems to be too much setup, though it is good, just not for the hook.
ReplyDeleteI would remove paragraphs 5-7, change it to having her actively see the bad guys drag out the girl, then jump off the ledge to go save her. Instant, sympathetic, root for her, kick-butt heroine.
Second paragraph goes on too long, stop after the third sentence.
ReplyDeleteThird paragraph, kill “…Only about themselves. Her lips twisted...”
The last paragraph, “…glided to…” made me sit up and say, WHAT? GLIDED? Cool.
Moderately hooked.
Good Luck!
The title was what caught my attention first with this entry. It gives the impression of a tense, conflict driven story.
ReplyDeleteThe opening was OK but this sentence intrigued me - "Long before the continents split into chunks of land whose residents took the opportunity to separate from the United States and set themselves up as Commonwealths." - it made me think of a post-apocalyptic/natural disaster setting and I wanted read on.
"Selene leaned over the crumbling concrete ledge, her fingertips digging into the soft stones." I liked the sensory description, it's the first in your piece and gave it texture (no pun intended) but then you launch into additional backstory and by now I'm wanting to get to the action. It's not until the end that the action begins.
While I found the set-up interesting and I can see why you've put it in there, I think the proportion of backstory outweighs the action. Action is what drags a reader in.
I'd suggest the author take another look at how you could balance this better.
Any way you could turn this paragraph - "She’d arrived just in time to see the thugs finish with the store and drag the old couple’s daughter into the alley. The girl’s cries, echoed by her parents, bounced off the walls. Furtive noises and the slamming of doors hinted at the minds of the nearby residents." - into the present tense rather make it the passive action scene it is in its current form?
Hooked. Good job.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but only toward the end. As several others have mentioned, all the details about your world were off-putting - I couldn't keep track of all of them, so instead of giving me a frame of reference, they just confused me.
ReplyDeleteI'd start with the action, when Selene spots the thugs and the girl. I do love the line "In a perfect world, she'd be out of a job," though, and would like to see you roll that back into this opening action somehow.
Good luck with this.
Well written and cool, but I ended up not liking the main character because she sat there and watched the girl getting dragged into the alley instead of going right to action.
ReplyDeleteThe discription of the new world is clear and interesting, but I suggest having it come after the rescue.
I liked it but it also reminded me a lot of Batman - balancing on a ledge, watching the streets below.
ReplyDeleteIt reminded me of Batman too, but in a good way. I'm hooked, mainly because of the last paragraph. That was a very cool visual.
ReplyDeleteI did get a bit lost in the details of the separation from the United States, and I was wondering about the Commonwealth. Does the actual Commonwealth exist in this world? Is this a newer version, or an alternate version? Also, the sentence, 'Her lips twisted' should be moved to the end of the paragraph. At the moment, when you say 'Like the thugs...' it's referring to the lip twisting, when it should be referring to the people only caring about themselves.
Still hooked though.
Agree with the too much set up. Either start with paragraph 3 and weave in the telling of paragraphs 1 and 2 or start with the last one, with her flying.
ReplyDeleteAlso, beware of independent body parts: fingers digging, lips twisting. Maybe, She twisted her lips into a sardonic smile or something like that; She dug her fingertips...
Dont nee adverbs like creatively; either show me or just use trashing, which is fine by itself.
A good idea, just needs tweaking...
A lot of world-setting details at the beginning that kept me from getting into the story. At "She'd arrived just in time to see the thugs..." I started to get interested. Might make a good opening line. Not sure I would read on at this point, though.
ReplyDeleteThere was too much set up here for me, and the writing could use more punch. Thugs are trashing the place below her and attacking people, and she's standing above them reminiscing.
ReplyDeleteAs others have suggested, start with the action, with her diving off that ledge. That's what is the most interesting, and get all the back story in later.
And maybe reconsider some of your description. Her fingers digging into 'soft' concrete.
Her lips twisted. Like the thugs below her etc.
She would twist her lips, and it seems the thugs below really only care about themselves, but where you have it, they're twisting like her lips.
I'd consider eliminating the first paragraph, which feels like it tries a little too hard to be catchy. I also wonder if the opening tries to cram in a bit too much exposition into the beginning. It seems like some of the information that's conveyed here could be worked in much later, and it's hard to connect with Selene.
ReplyDelete