TITLE: Gone Magic
GENRE: YA fantasy
I love New York at night. Somehow, I always feel less alone when lights sparkle in the darkness and the air rings with the sounds of the night. It doesn't matter if they're echoes of a fight or a car alarm; there's a whole web of pulsating activity out there, and the fact that it exists is enough to comfort me. Somebody is always awake in New York.
It's the days I don't love that much.
*
"Have you been staying up again?" Aunt Galina asked in the morning. "Your eyes look like blackberries."
"I'm fine," I said and spread my paper dolls on the table. "I'm going out."
"You're not going anywhere without breakfast. See, eggs, blinis, tea. You have to eat well for as long as we have the money." Aunt Galina threw a nasty look at Igor, who came in, speaking in his cell. He glanced at me, then the paper dolls I was sorting on the table, and his mouth tightened. I pretended not to notice him and gathered all the summer dresses together.
"From your mother." Aunt Galina tossed me a postcard with a picture of palm trees.
Greetings from the Bahamas! The weather is gorgeous and the food delicious. Some of Juan's business associates are here with us, and we've been having great fun together. Love, Natasha.
I threw the postcard away. Nothing new under the sun.
Igor flipped his cell shut and opened his mouth in my direction, but Aunt Galina was quicker.
I love the intro, but got a little pulled out of the story in the change of tenses once the story got going. The way the postcard was signed "Natasha" by her mother told me so much about their relationship.
ReplyDeleteYou've got me curious! :D
Really liked the phrases "eyes look like blackberries and "nothing new under the sun."
ReplyDeleteThe paper dolls made me curious. How old is she? Would read on to find out what that's all about.
Because this is young adult, the mention of paper dolls really made me curious. I would read more to find out what's going on with that.
ReplyDeleteNice scene setting - caught on to the atmosphere quickly - also made me curious - liked "It's the days I don't like much." Nice contrast.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading on, wondering why she likes days but not nights.
ReplyDeleteWe learn a lot here early, and I think that is a good thing, so much in fact, that I had to reread. I would keep reading. Like C-A, I liked the "eyes look like blackberries."
ReplyDeleteI would read on. You have me curious about the dolls, but even more curious about the mom that signs postcards "Natasha".
ReplyDeleteI would leave out the "somehow" in the second sentence. It takes away from what she's saying.
I'm also curious about those dolls, and Igor's reaction to them - not sneering disdain, but a tightening of the mouth. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence seemed off to me: "Aunt Galina threw a nasty look at Igor, who came in, speaking in his cell."
I think it should be "who had come in" and "speaking into his cell."
But I'm hooked.
Very good job of creating a sense of place. "Natasha" on the postcard spoke volumes.
ReplyDeleteThe paper dolls are intriguing. Her voice is much older than a child who'd play with dolls, so I'm curious.
The line: "opened his mouth in my direction..." If he's just going to say something, you might change the line. If he's going to do something wicked with a deadly tongue or something, you do a great job creating tension.
Best of luck
I dig the opening paragraph, but my worry is that a description of "the city that never sleeps" is something agents have seen a million times. the writing was good enough to make it unique to me, though.
ReplyDeletethe breakfast scene was pretty good, especially the hint that money was a problem and having food might soon be a problem. I'd keep reading.
Your opening left me with a lot of questions - a good thing. A teen playing with (or maybe not 'playing') with paper dolls, a mom who signs her name, a lack of money, a relative named Igor, and an MC who prefers the night (possible vampire?) There's lots to wonder about and lots of reasons to read on.
ReplyDeleteI really like this beginning. I got hooked, and I would keep reading. Part of me wanted more of the intro about New York, but I understand you want to get into the action.
ReplyDeleteLove Galina's comment about blackberries. Gave me a good depiction of character in very little space.
Pretty cool opening. I've clicked with your main character and would read on to find out more about her.
ReplyDeleteI know that for the purpose of this contest, you couldn't fit any more in, but I wonder if the NY-at-night scene should be lengthened a bit. I feel like we got pulled too quickly out of the mood that created. Then again, maybe that's what you were going for!
You squeeze a lot in with so few words. Excellent double duty details.
ReplyDeleteFunny, but the blackberries pulled me out of the story. I pictured a bunch of little dark lumps clumped together and that led me to fly eyes. :-)
There's a bit of repetition of words Too close together here that bothers my editor eye.
Intriguing.
Some intriguing questions raised (What kind of mom signs a postcard with her name? Why are they running out of money? Why is a girl obviously old enough to go out on the town by herself playing with paper dolls?).
ReplyDeleteI admit that the blackberries line pulled me out too. On first read, I thought it referred to the color of her eyes. Don't really see it as referring to sleep-smudged eyes.
I also was pulled out a little by the two paragraphs at the beginning. They were well-written, but I wasn't convinced (at least in this 250 word snippet) that they added much to your opening.
I'd still read on for a little.
I'm hooked because of all the questions I'm left with. Right from the off I was surprised because the genre was listed as YA fantasy and yet it opened in New York. I like the opening personally. But it was mentioned by other commenters that such an opening might be something agents have seen before.
ReplyDeleteYou could always tweak it to make it more unique. Maybe take out first sentence entirely. Just say, 'I love the city at night.' The rest of the paragraph gives me a wonderful sense of what it's like and the last sentence tells you which city. But it sort of sneaks it in, rather than simply throwing it out there immediately.
I LOVE the 'eyes look like blackberries'. I'll concede that some might be confused by it, but I wasn't. It sounds like something my grandmother would have said to me. To me, it's catchy and different.
I adore how I already feel that the MC is adrift, with a mother off living it up. Her tone towards the MC is more that of a friend than a mother.
Oh, and Igor should either be talking 'on' the cell phone, or 'into' it, I think.
I liked the intro about the city at night, but I wasn't sure if you needed to start with it. I'd be more interested if you start with the MC interacting with Aunt Galina, and you can show us her love for New York at night later in the text. Jump right into the scene instead of giving us that kind of exposition.
ReplyDeleteThe interactions between your MC and her aunt and uncle are great, though, and her mom's postcard is very telling. It's a great way of starting a novel, because it gives me a lot to wonder about. I wanted to read on, if only to find out about the mother and why she's so distant. The paper dolls present a great mystery, too.
I think there is an engaging style to this opening. I worry a bit that this opening tries to do too many things - from New York to the breakfast table to the letter to Igor. It's okay to just start with one thing and give it sufficient attention. There are also times when the phrasing tripped me up (blackberries, "threw a nasty look at Igor, who came in, speaking in his cell.") But overall this has good rhythm and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I don't like the days either. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI love the paper dolls and was wondering why a teenager would still have them. Usually, they are used more by smaller children. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by the paper dolls and the fact that the family may soon not have enough money to eat while the mother travels in the Bahamas.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few bumpy spots in the writing that might keep me from reading on though. The repetition of 'night' in the first two sentences stuck out at me.
*Aunt Galina threw a nasty look at Igor, who came in, speaking in his cell.* -- I think this would read better if it was written in the order it happened: Igor walked in, talking on his cell, and Aunt Galina threw him a nasty look.
*Igor flipped his cell shut and opened his mouth in my direction, but Aunt Galina was quicker.*--This also seems like the action might be out of order. And depending on what the aunt does/says next, would the MC even notice Igor's action if it happens after the aunt's?
I really liked the New York paragraph. I agree with the SA that there's too much going on in the rest of it; there's a lot to take in. Maybe narrow the focus to one thing to start with. The writing on this is good (except for the cell line, which others have mentioned).
ReplyDeleteI like this opening a lot, especially the New York paragraph -- the style was pretty awesome, there. I must say that the sudden tense change getting into the next bit threw me, but the tone and voice kept me hooked.
ReplyDelete