TITLE: Chameleon
GENRE: Young Adult
"I saw that Miss Davis," snapped an unforgiving voice from the front of the classroom.
Brynn Davis looked up from behind the shelter of her chemistry textbook and sighed. She reluctantly rose from her seat and crossed the room to the corner where the wastebasket stood, her long, honey-brown hair flowing behind her, and spit a small piece of ravaged, pink bubble gum into her hand before tossing it into the basket. It hadn’t even lost its flavor.
"I don't know how many times I have to tell you people. Chewing gum is unacceptable in my classroom." Ms. Manning’s gaze narrowed on Brynn before scanning the breadth of the room. “It is distracting, crude, and extremely impolite.”
Brynn cast her eyes to the floor as she returned to her lab station at the back of the room. “So stupid,” she mumbled under her breath.
"Miss DAVIS! What did you just say?" Ms. Manning rounded on Brynn, her sharp face coming to even more of a point as she pursed her thin lips together in a combination of disappointment and growing rage. A swell of smothered gasps and whispers relayed from one end of the room to the other.
"Nothing,” said Brynn. “You can go on with the lesson. I didn't mean to be distracting or crude or impolite."
"Well, you were all of those things Miss Davis, popping your gum like some sort of deviant, and talking back is certainly not earning you any points with me," Ms. Manning growled.
I'm not sure if I'm hooked. I like this setup, but the chewing gum thing doesn't immediately draw me in. Also, I would suggest you don't use "Miss Davies" so often. It seems odd for the teacher to call her that in every sentence. I'd also suggest you try not to "tell" the teacher's feelings. For example, you need to show that her voice is unforgiving (which you do by using snapped) and you need to show that she is disappointed and enraged (which you do with her pursed lips). If you let these actions show these feelings, this will be much stronger.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if I'm hooked or not, either. I've read 250 words and I have no idea what this story might be about. I'm guessing it's not entirely about gum-chewing in class or getting reamed by an annoying teacher. I'd like a little more hint as to what this story is going to be about.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one, and I think it's because of the early dialogue. Maybe I don't know what the story is about, but I do get a very good sense of who Brynn is, and that will keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice but didn't really connect with the character. She seems kind of like a snot! And I don't know about the "long, honey brown hair flowing behind her" - if this is your MC and its from her POV, I don't know that she'd talk about that yet...
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked. I think the writing is good (I especially liked "It hadn't even lost its flavor.") but like someone else said, I have no idea what's going to happen in this and so I'm not feeling compelled to read on.
ReplyDeleteAs it is now, I'm wondering how old Brynn is. The whole gum issue feels more like junior high to me than high school. The teacher seems a bit like a stock character and I didn't get much of a sense of who Brynn was either.
With this setup, I know more about Ms. Manning than I do Miss Davis. Gum chewing seems like a very trivial offense and if Ms Manning is that bent out of shape about it, gives me the impression this story isn't present day.
ReplyDeleteMiss Davis comes off as rude and disrespectful and not very likable.
You do paint a good picture. I can see all the actions.
Best of luck
I wondered about the 'when' of the story. I couldn't see a teacher today going on like this about gum, and I couldn't imagine today's kids gasping. They'd probably laugh about the whole thing which would make the teacher even angrier.
ReplyDeleteI also had no sense of where it might be going. There are no open questions that leave me wondering. The only issue we have here is the gum chewing, and that gets resolved when she throws the gum away and apologizes.
Maybe some internal dialogue that gives us a sense of what she's really thinking about the situation and how it relates to the bigger story might help.
I'm somewhat interested in where the story will go, but I'd need something more happening over the next few pages to keep me reading much more.
ReplyDeleteAlso, some parts of this felt overwritten to me. "Snapped an unforgiving voice," for example. And "a combination of disappointment and growing rage." Those are a lot of words spent on feelings we can pick up from the dialogue and subtext.
One thing I did like, though, was Brynn finding shelter behind the chemistry book! That told me a lot more about her than most of the dialogue did.
I agree with the others, not to sure about the gum thing, but I love the dialog. I would like a hint of what the story is about in the 1st 250.
ReplyDeleteI'm not completely hooked by this and it has me wondering if this is where your story starts. Think about what is your first big plot point and when this happens after this class.
ReplyDeleteAlso, agree with above in the Miss Davis is used too much and you don't need the CAPS. Show don't tell. The exclamation point shows the shouting.
Great dialogue. Great description.
ReplyDeleteThe teacher seems over the top to me - off her rocker, over the top. And there doesn't seem to be the normal reaction to such over the top-ness.
This:
“You can go on with the lesson. I didn't mean to be distracting or crude or impolite."
struck me as an 'as you know, Bob' kind of statement.
Not caring yet about the gum chewing or the characters.
Your writing is good. Your voice shows through very clearly.
Some great phrases ("shelter of her chemistry textbook", "ravaged, pink bubble gum", "It hadn't even lost it's flavor"), but some that seemed unnecessary, ("long, honey-brown hair flowing behind her"). I like the voice but didn't get a strong sense of Brynn's character. The teacher's reaction to the gum-chewing and the class' reaction to Brynn's muttered comment put me in mind of a younger crop of kids than high-schoolers. Both reactions seem over-the-top for high school.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on a little more to see what it's about, but I'd hope to get a sense of story soon!
This felt younger than YA to me. Maybe it's the fact that she has to stand in the corner as a punishment and her muttering "So stupid" under her breath. Also, it seemed a little heavy on Miss Manning as the evil teacher. Unless maybe she's the true villain of the story, you might not want to use such a heavy hand with her.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Alright this is going to sound weird. I loved the imagery. I loved Ms. Manning. But nothing hooked me about it until the very last sentence. The ravaged, pink bubble gum was what kept me reading beyond the first paragraph. Otherwise I probably would have stopped.
ReplyDeleteI think you could drop the part about her hair. It makes the sentence too long and seems a bit out of place, since you've given us no other description of Brynn.
I HAD teachers like Ms. Manning. I think that's why I loved her. That said, I can tell you that in the schools I attended, there was never this sort of situation between students and teachers. Either the teacher was like Manning here, and you didn't mouth off because you knew damn well they were off their gourd and would go Exorcist on you. Or the kids ran the room. Or there was respect on both sides and everyone got along.
But the 'chewing gum like some sort of deviant'? Brilliantly done.
The first thing that caught my attention was the dialogue tag in the first line. Why call it an unforgiving voice? That's ambiguous, even though your MC clearly knows it's her teacher speaking, so name the teacher. ("Ms. Brynn said in an unforgiving tone") And, this has always been a pet peeve of mine, but voices can't call or snap or anything. People talk with their voices. It's a small distinction, but a distinction nonetheless. Try being more concrete.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I loved the dialogue. The teacher is a bit over the top, but I had a teacher just like that, so it seemed so spot on to me.
I'm afraid this felt a bit one-note to me. We learn that Brynn likes chewing gum and that Ms. Manning doesn't like gum, but they react for the most part as you'd expect a high schooler and a teacher to react in this situation. I wonder if more could be done to make this a bit more surprising, or if perhaps there's another starting place to this story. There was also some imprecision in the language (can a voice be "unforgiving," "her sharp face coming even more of a point") that I thought could have been smoothed out.
ReplyDeleteThis felt overwritten to me. Part of the problem was the teacher's reaction and dialogue was so over-the-top that it read like a cliche of an evil teacher, and not like a real person. This scene also gives me no hints about what the rest of the story is about, so I don't have a reason to read on.
ReplyDeleteYou also need to watch your use of non-said dialogue tags and POV (Brynn wouldn't describe her hair at this moment).
This didn't really hook me. I loved the voice and writing, but nothing really happened to make me want to read on. I have read a few entries on this blog in previous competitions that start with a kid getting bawled out by a teacher in class, so I guess I was looking for something a bit different to hook me.
ReplyDeleteThis has a promising voice and the writing's strong. But everything felt a little bit contrived for me, I'm afraid, so I wasn't hooked. Brynn behaved like a typical high schooler, Ms. Manning behaved like a typical evil teacher and they both felt somewhat caricature-ish.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I feel that while your dialogue is great, opening with Ms. Manning's line makes the reader initially see things from her POV. So starting with something Brynn says might be better, as I'm assuming she's your MC? Dunno.
Anyway, I'd probably keep reading for a page or two to see whether a more interesting event, that told me something about the rest of the story, occurred.