Wednesday, February 24, 2010

23 Talkin' Heads

TITLE: The President’s Daughter
GENRE: YA Contemporary
EMOTION: Romantic Tension

Chelsea is a high school sophomore, on the swim team and has a best friend, Justin. Justin is interested in another girl and Chelsea is jealous. Logan is beginning to show interest in Chelsea. Here is the scene where she realized he is interested in her…

“How many events do you have today?” Logan asked as he finished his stretches and sat down on the bench. Chelsea felt the bench give as he sat down and even that tiny bit of non-contact made her stomach do a flip.

She rolled her eyes as she sat down. Get a grip! “Five. The 100 and 200 meter, breast, back and the 400 IM.”

“I think you’re fine with the breast and back,” he said, giving her a look from top to bottom. Chelsea nearly fell off the bench. She tried to answer him, but all that came out was, “Ggkay…”

Thankfully, the buzzer went off at that exact moment and Logan couldn’t hear her verbal blunder.

“What?” he asked.

Chelsea cleared her throat and at least partially snapped out of her hypnotic state. “I’m swimming the IM for the first time, and I’m sure I’m going to make a fool of myself with the butterfly.”

“Naw,” he said. “It’s easy.”

“Easy for you,” Chelsea answered. “You’re the district champ.”

He shrugged as if to say it was nothing. “Butterfly is just about the thrust.”

Oh, my god. She was going to become a big love sick puddle right at his feet. “The thrust?” she managed to croak.

“You know,” Logan said as he stood and extended his hands and arms straight above his head. He brought his arms down and pitched his chest forward, muscles rippling from his shoulders down his torso and thighs to his calves. “The thrust,” he said when he’d finished the demonstration.

“Uh huh,” was the only thing Chelsea could get out of her mouth as they called her first event.

She stood, pulled on her goggles and began the ritual she used to adjust them into the correct position. “Do you want to get something to eat after the meet?” Logan asked.

She usually got ice cream with Justin to either celebrate her victory or mourn her defeat. Either way, there was ice cream involved. She found him in the stands with her eyes as she tried to decide what to do.

Justin seemed to be deep in conversation with none other than Madison Arnold. Chelsea turned to Logan and answered, “I’d love to.” It looked like Justin would be busy enough.


  1. Good teen voice and the tension was certainly there! The thrust discussion made me laugh out loud.

    Couple things:
    'and sat down on the bench' could go from the second line because we're told he sits in the third one.

    There should be a new paragraph at 'Chelsea nearly fell off the bench'

    The tag 'Chelsea answered' isn't needed. We know she's the speaker. There are quite a few other asked and said tags that aren't needed either. You've got good action beats going, rely on those instead.

  2. LOL. Ok, I need a smoke now.

    Overall, I liked it very much; the tension was good if a bit predictable. You might consider using one less instance or phrase of the play-on-words, but, dang, I liked it just like it is, and I feel you hit the mark with the romantic tension.

  3. The romantic tension you did well. I'm a little ambivalent about it overall, though, partially from some confusion.

    In the second paragraph, you say "she sat down," but how did she feel the bench move when Logan sat down in the first para if she wasn't already on the bench...?

    I had to read the list of her events twice to figure out you mean 100 and 200 meters for both breast and back.

    ...Honestly, I don't know why the thrust conversation would melt her into a lovesick puddle, especially if she took that like I think she took it... it's just a little gross to me ;) But that's also personal taste.

    And finally, why is she falling for Logan at the drop of a hat if she's jealous that Justin's interested in another girl?

    The writing itself was good overall, though, and your characters were interesting.

  4. When he tells her she's fine with the breast and back, instead of looking at her from top to bottom could he glance at her breasts--since he just mentioned that part of her anatomy. I don't know--maybe that would be out of character. But it would kind of go with the thrust stuff later. I like this dialogue--very clever.

  5. Great job with the tension. Very cute. Although, it seems like she has a crush on Logan instead of the other way around.

  6. I thought this was really well written! I liked the dialogue and it sounded very realistic. I definitely got Chelsea's attraction to Logan. Great job. This sounds like a fun read!