TITLE: Any Day But
GENRE: Young Adult
Around our house you had to be careful where you put your feet. Mom’s stacks of magazines had begun in the living room in organized piles, but now they spread like a cancer: down the hallway, into the kitchen, up the stairs to the door of my bedroom. Everywhere I walked, there they were. I picked my way down the stairs, squeezed through the kitchen door, and stepped over the pile at my feet so that I could stand in the same room as my mother.
Even then, after all that effort, she still didn’t notice me.
She sat at the table with her reading glasses on top of her head, her hair hanging in greasy tendrils down either side of her face. She chewed on the end of her ballpoint pen, her bathrobe drooping open so I could see the strap of her black bra. I tried to ignore the fact that our entire counter top was layered in two week’s worth of dirty dishes. I made a mental note to call the dishwasher repairman tomorrow. Mom would never get around to it.
I took a deep breath. “Mom, have you—”
“I’m right here, Thia. You don’t have to yell.” She fished a glowing cigarette from the ashtray at her elbow.
I knew I hadn’t been yelling. I always used a relaxed voice on Mom on mornings when I suspected she might have a hangover. “Did you see a pink envelope? It’s gone from where I left it.”
Great setting here and good insight into the mom's character without telling. Also, good writing. However I'd personally like to see a bit more conflict in this, but that could just be me.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, and although I might not buy the book based on the first 250, I'd stand in the bookstore a little longer to keep reading. I'm curious about the packrat obsession w/keeping the magazines. And I'm interested in the MC, so I want to know her better.
ReplyDeleteOne little thing: I think you can get rid of the hangover comment. When she tells Thia not to yell, we know Thia's not yelling and that her mom just has a hangover. You could even say something like, "I tried whispering this time" instead.
While there may not be overt conflict, I think the tension is there, in the way you show the family dysfunction and mentally unbalanced mother. I agree with Bobbie, that you needn’t explicitly indicate that her mother has a hangover; it’s evident from what you’ve shown.
ReplyDeleteI also love the irony of the last line.
I’d read more.
I like Thia already. I feel her despair - like she's buried underneath all those magazines. I'd absolutely read on!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bobbie, I liked the packrat angle... did make me want to find out what was going on.
ReplyDeleteInteresting beginning and strong voice. I'm curious in finding out whether Mom is a true hoarder or if the messy housekeeping simply stems from her alcoholic lifestyle. Hoarding isn't written about much but is a very serious and prevalent psychological dysfunction.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't hook me, but nothing turned me off either. The packrat is interesting, as is the pink envelope. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is good! I noticed a couple of sentence-structure issues that were very slight, but it's an interesting way to start a story. I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThis is well written, but I feel like it's missing the punch to hook me. There's tension in the second paragraph and I'm left wondering if the pink envelope is important. If so, maybe that's a better place to start?
ReplyDeleteI like the details too!
I wasn't really hooked by this, but I think that's because it's only 250 words. I'd keep reading to find out more.
ReplyDeleteThe problem (if you want to call it that) is the setup. There's just a lot of it. Mom's a chain smoking drunk who hoards magazines (and probably other things). Great. Thia knows how to play the game when Mom's hungover. Great. There's familial conflict here, but what's the story? I'd give it a few more pages to see what develops, but I need to have a better grasp of what's at stake, preferably sooner.
Good luck.
Not hugely hooked by the situation, but the writing is very nice -- polished, and just descriptive enough. I'd keep reading based on that.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. You can really write.
ReplyDeleteBtw-- I think the hook IS there. I'm really interested in this situation already: a girl living with what's obviously a mentally unbalanced wreck of a mother. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of great description that reveals both character and situation. I would keep reading. I want to know what's up with the Mom and what's in that pink envelope!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was okay, but it didn't grab me. I just kept getting pulled out of the story.
ReplyDeleteSome of the things that pulled me out --
After all that effort, she didn't even notice me. I was thinking, what effort? She stepped over magazine piles. A nuisance maybe, but no great effort.
And what maagzines were they? There was so much emphasis on the magazines, like they would prove to be important later, and it made me wonder what Mom read. Are they all years and years worth of one magazine, or a bunch of different magazines? Saying what they were could give some insight into Mom. On the other hand, I don't know if it's really important to mention the names.
And then Mom is sitting at the table smoking and chewing on a pen. Why? I could see her sitting there and doing nothing but having her morning cigarette, but why is she chewing on that pen? If there were a pile of bills in front of her, or a newspaper, book, crossword puzzle book, I could see the need for the pen. But I couldn't find any reason for her to be chewing on that pen, especially if she's smoking. I just got hung up on the significance of that pen.
I realize I'm probably not offering much here. I don't usually get caught up in stuff like this, but for some reason, I did with this piece. So maybe it's stuff you should look at, or maybe it's just me.
Good job. I'm reading on.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd keep reading. I can see the house, totally crowded with magazines.
ReplyDeleteI think you could alter the line about the hangover, but still have something indicating alcohol. Unlike several people who have commented, I, myself, wouldn't automatically assume it was a hangover if that wasn't there wasn't something hinting towards it. If there was no alcoholic connotation, I would think it was a migraine, considering that the mother obviously has at least one mental issue with the hoarding. Not that all people with migraines are hoarders. It's just how I would perceive the situation..
Nice writing (although there was one small thing: In the third paragraph, "two week's worth" should be "two weeks' worth," since there are two of them), nice voice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with other commenters who have pointed out a lack of conflict. We get a hint of it at the very end, with the pink envelope. I wanted Thia to be a little more preoccupied with it as she's navigating the magazine mess, especially since that's something she seems to do every day. But maybe that's coming in the next 250...
On the whole, though, I'd read on.
I'm hooked by the setting and characters. The tension and the hook are subtle, but they're there. A mom with issues and a daughter who knows how to carefully negotiate around them, both physically and not.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely would read on. This has lovely writing and a heartbreaking situation without being too heavy-handed.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a bit more to find out about the pink envelope. I did wonder why Thia hasn't done the dishes herself though. From the little I read of the character it seems the sort of thing she would do, instead of waiting for the dishwasher to be repaired and jamming them all in there. I get that it's adding to the scene, but it was something I wondered.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening, I love all your descriptions. The magazine piles are a great visual. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeletePersonally I think this is rife with conflict between the mother and daughter. It makes me feel tense just reading it.
Good work.
Amy K
I'm also hooked! Great writing. I love the way you describe the mom and the subtlety of her relationship with Thia. I'd keep reading. :)
ReplyDeleteI think there's strong writing here - I liked the physical details about the mother: the "greasy tendrils" and chewing on the ballpoint pen. I like that her mom interrupts her immediately to tell her to be quiet.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure about the "spread like a cancer" image, which seemed to be a bit of a weak simile, and I wasn't sure about the linw "Even then, after all that effort, she still didn't notice me." I wasn't sure what effort she was talking about since avoiding junk would be an everyday thing in this house and I doubt she'd expect her mom would notice it.
But other than that I think this is a strong opening.
This one has a lot going for it and I would read on. Your description of the packrat house hits all the right notes. I like how the MC is tippy toeing around her mother, both literally and figuratively.
ReplyDelete