TITLE: Primigenio
GENRE: paranormal romance
EMOTION:
In this scene, main character powerful vampire Eamon Rutherford is
stressing over how to continue to appear human to his love
interest. He's discussing it with another vampire, Marta Jimenez
de Castillo. I'm trying to convey anxiety and Eamon attempting to
overcome his, pushy, overbearing ways.
“I have to start doing things to appear more human to Amelie,” Eamon said to Marta as she sat down on the sofa.
“Why?”
He took a drink of his scotch and then frowned. “What do you mean why?”
She smiled at him. “Doesn’t it seem more sensible to tell Amelie the truth rather than keeping up this illusion?”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m not ready to tell her and until I am, I’ll continue on as I have.”
“I still feel you would be better off being honest,” she said with a sigh.
“I didn’t ask for your opinion in this.”
She flipped her blonde hair and laughed. “I’m giving you a woman’s point of view.”
“Save it. I’d like you, cousin, and Isabelle to accompany Amelie and me to lunch at the Yacht Club.” It was more of a decree than an invitation. He loosened his tie and frowned.
“Lunch? I despise going out during the day. It gives me a headache.” She frowned and dug the toe of her shoe in to the rug. “Cousin?”
“Yes, cousin. I don’t care. Wear a hat. You know what I mean and I want you to do this.” He considered how he sounded and then took another drink. Eamon blew out flustered sigh. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ask like that.” An uncomfortable moment passed for him as he took on a more courteous tone. “Will you please help me?”
The element of anxiety is conveyed through Eamon's directness. It's like he's so concerned about putting up his front that politeness has gone by the wayside. His change of tactics at the end is redeeming because it shows he realizes his mistake and shows the audience he's not that way all the time.
ReplyDeleteSo the dialog DOES work to convey the emotion you intended! :-)
I can visualize the scene. You did a good job and I think you accomplished your goal.
ReplyDeleteWow. I had no idea vampires drank scotch or went to lunch at yacht clubs. A welcome change from the whole blood sucking side of vampires. :-)
ReplyDelete"Wear a hat." great response to the cousin's headache issue.
I think this conveys a sense of uncertainty on his part and he realizes he's pushy and changes his approach.
Good job!
Your dialogue is well written. A few comments:
ReplyDelete-You are head jumping in the first line. You should not describe another character's actions while a different character is speaking. It would be better to move, "She sat down on the sofa" to before the "Why?"
-"She said with a sigh" should probably be "She sighed" since you can't actually speak and sigh at the same time.
-Maybe it's just me but I feel like I hear the word "cousin" too many times at the end. Do these characters really call each other cousin all of the time? Or is cousin someone else? I'm not entirely sure.
-IMO, you don't need to say "a flustered sigh". A sigh by definition implies the fluster.
I don't understand the bit about "cousin" - is Marta the cousin? She seems confused by it, too.
ReplyDeleteEamon comes off as kind-of a jerk here - I read him as domineering and selfish, not anxious. He's perfectly happy to lie to his girlfriend, then bullies Marta his maybe-cousin. He does apologize at the end, but it doesn't read too sincere to me, it reads as if he's afraid Marta won't help him so he gets "nice" to manipulate her.
I know it's standard in paranormals to have the tortured hero hide his otherworldly-ness from the heroine, but it's a hard line to dance to make him sympathetic and a liar at the same time.
I don't mean to sound harsh if I did - the writing is good. Good luck!
Marta is not his real cousin. He told his girlfriend that she was because she showed a bit of female curiosity about her. Eamon tells her that she is a distant cousin, not a 400 year old vampire that a former companion of his made.
ReplyDeleteI know, it's convoluted.
The cousin thing confused me, but if you've read the earlier info it would be clear. Apart from that, I felt there were too many actions accompanying the dialogue. I know it's good to include some actions to keep a sense of place and so it's not just two people talking in a blank room while doing nothing, but for me, it broke up the dialogue too much.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bron, there is way too much sighing, smiling, and hair-flipping. It ends up being distracting to the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteBut besides that, This was a very strong scene! The 'cousin' thing threw me for a few lines, but when Eamon confirms it in the last paragraph I understood that it was a lie to explain the other vampire's presence. I completely buy Eamon as a guy who has been telling lies and pushing people around for so long, but now he's trying to make better. Amelie must have had quite an effect on him. I want to read the next section, and see if Eamon is able to make the changes he knows are necessary.