Wednesday, February 24, 2010

21 Talkin' Heads

TITLE: Untitled
GENRE: Science Fiction

Intro: Two old friends with uncertain agendas burst into Vayen's home where he and 'Stassia have been hiding for the last four years.

Jey came up behind Merkeif. “We’re not done here quite yet. And when we are, you’ll be leaving with us.”

“I don’t think so.” I pushed ‘Stassia backward and signaled for her to run.

She was back beside me a second later. Damn woman.

Merkeif lunged forward. His fist caught me in the chin.

“Stop this!” ‘Stassia took a wild swing Merkeif.

He caught her wrist in his hand and pulled her away from me, swinging her into Jey’s awaiting grasp.

My heart seized. The inbred compulsion that bound me to ‘Stassia screamed in my head, demanding that I protect her.

Jey wrapped his arm around her squirming body. “We don’t want to hurt her, Vayen.”

“Let her go!” I punched Merkeif in the gut, intent on getting past him to reach Jey.

My efforts elicited a mere grunt from Merkeif as he slammed me up against the wall. The rough fabric of his armored sleeve pressed against
my neck. “You will come with us to Sere, and will show your face to reveal Kess’s triumphs as lies. Once he’s discredited, you can go.”

“They’ll never let me go. You know that.”

Little feet thudded down the stairs. “Daddy?”

Merkeif paled. He wrenched his head around to see where Daniel had halted halfway down the stairs. Ikeri stood beside him, her tiny hand in
his. His voice dropped to a whisper. “You didn’t tell me you had children.”

Uncertainty filled Jey’s voice. “Merkeif.”

Merkeif bowed his head. He let me go.


  1. You packed a lot in around 250 words. I got sucked right in.

  2. I think you convey the feeling of "threat" well. The reader feels it in the very first line and it's reinforced through the violence. The arrival of the child at the end and Merkieif's backing off relieves the tension nicely.

  3. The threat was evident, but it wasn't achieved through dialogue. I'd consider this more of an action scene than an example of dialogue.

    It is a good scene. I agree that Merkeif backing off when the child showed up was a great way to lessen the tension.

  4. I think the threat comes through both the action and the dialogue. Good job with this.

    One typo, "'Stassia took a wild swing at Merkeif."

    You set up just enough reluctance from the intruders to make the release at the end believable.

  5. I agree that threat is conveyed as much through the narration as the dialogue. Still, the dialogue is solid, showing the interactions of the characters without slowing the pacing. There was a lot to take in here, being dropped straight into the middle of the story, but even with all the names and relationships to keep track of, I was definitely interested.