Wednesday, February 24, 2010

8 Talkin' Heads

TITLE: "Carey On"
GENRE: Women's Fiction
EMOTION: Forgiveness/Acceptance

Quick background: Years before this scene takes place, Katie and Adam had a romantic relationship. It ended when Katie fell in love with Adam's best friend, Jay. For reasons too numerous to mention here (you'll have to read the book! LOL!), Jay has left Katie. This scene occurs when Adam, who is freshly divorced, shows up unexpectedly at Katie's house and finds her ruminating in the back garden. It's the first time the two of them have really talked since the break up of their love affair.

A brief shrug moved his shoulders. “Thanks, love. But it was going to happen. We should never have gotten married in the first place.” He turned his head toward her. “Now your turn.”

Katie lay back down, her hands on her stomach, and sighed. “I’m not okay.”

“I didn’t think you would be,” he said, his voice matter of fact. “You shouldn’t be.”

His was the first honest reaction she'd got since Jay decamped. She much preferred it to the constant refrain that she'd feel better in time, given in a tone usually reserved for those who've suffered the death of a loved one. She turned her head toward him. “Do you know where he is?”

“No, love, I’m sorry. I don’t.”

“Would you tell me if you did?”

He raised up on an elbow, and stared at her, his mouth open. “Of course I would, Katie! What do you take me for?”

“Sorry.” She shook her head. “I just have a hard time trusting anyone these days.”

“Especially me.”

Katie’s eyes darted to his face, but instead of peering down at her, he was looking across the garden toward the pool. Those ridiculous shades still hid his eyes, and she wished she could see his expression. “That’s all over and done with, Adam.”

He snorted, and waved a languid hand. “And yet the melody lingers on.”

“Not for me. Life’s too short for all that s***.”

His sunglasses looked down at her. “Really?”

She nodded. “Really.”


  1. I love the line "and yet the melody lingers on."

    I think you've captured a soft, yet slightly uncomfortable conversation. Good job!

    Not sure why HE'S the one she can't trust, when it was HER who ran off with his best friend.

  2. Smooth dialogue. The emotion comes through very well. I liked his reaction to her question "Would you tell me if you did?". It conveyed his honest character.

  3. I love the line "And yet the melody lingers on."

    The line "No, love, I'm sorry. I don't." feels a little bit awkward to me. I might shorten it--right now it kind of says no three times.

    I'd be careful of Eyes Darting, too. :) sounds painful. Maybe Katie glances at his face instead?

    Otherwise, this dialogue is pretty strong!

  4. This is quite good. You convey real people who have a past together, have grown older, and can talk to each other now.

  5. This feels as if the characters know each other well and are comfortable with each other, which is what I guess acceptance is all about.

    I wondered about him calling her 'love' twice in the same passage, since they were a couple so many years ago. On the other hand, it shows that he's forgiven her. Twice over, maybe? :)

  6. Very peaceful and forgiving scene. I think the fact that they are lying in the grass together indicates comfort with each other--especially if they hadn't seen each other in a while.

    Calling her "love" is a bit over the top though. IMHO. I don't use terms of endearment with my former lovers. Then again, that could just be me. :-)

    Good job!